Well, if there’s one thing a Housewives show doesn’t need more celebration of it’s boobs, although I think Real Housewives Of Orange County gave us the first itineration of celebrating boobs that weren’t just used for sex appeal… that is until Braunwyn Windham-Burke whipped hers out at her No More Nursing fiesta.
The theme of this party made absolutely no sense. It was a boobs bacchanalia with strippers, a nipple cake, and dildos on the wall, but Brauwnyn called it a “weaning party” meant to celebrate the end of nursing after 18 years.
Braunwyn’s entire life is reliving the youth she never got to experience, which is ironic only in that Dr. Deb‘s desperation to capture a thwarted youth is the sole reason why Braunwyn resents and hates her mother. So maybe Braunwyn will go on to have an illustrious career as a plastic surgeon specializing in mommy makeover boob jobs? I just can’t with this exhausting woman and her constant need to show off as the hot, fun mom. Enough already!
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What I also don’t get is Tamra Judge. Like at all. In this episode, Tamra lied (again), lied some more to Braunwyn, lied some more to Kelly Dodd, lied about Braunwyn and Kelly, and was ousted from planning a boob bash. Then, she was somehow hiring strippers to shake their asses at said boob bash. Then, she pretended to be scandalized by the strippers she hired for doing what strippers do. I love how Tamra puts on her ‘faith face’ when her devil horns start to poke through.
Oh, also Shannon Beador almost got divorced!
Basically, this Real Housewives Of Orange County episode was all over the place.
Things begin with Tamra and Vicki Gunvalson meeting Emily Simpson for lunch to talk about Kelly. Emily knows talking about Kelly is the only reason these two are pretending to like her. Emily is smart like that. And she’s also smart enough to not say too much. So, Vicki and Tamra (who are not that smart) hang themselves out to dry. Emily is a very under-valued Housewife.
The story here goes that when Tamra was ‘having coffee’ with Shannon (aka gaslighting Shannon) someone at a neighboring table recorded their conversation (that person also happened to be wearing a badge that said “Production” – Evolution Media) and texted it to Kelly posted it on social media, where Kelly got ahold of it. The clip featured Tamra saying, among other things, that Kelly pushed her mother down the stairs. Kelly, predictably, over-reacted and started a social media maelstrom where she threatened to metaphorically eviscerate Tamra until all that remained was a pair of ancient silicone implants.
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Among the many attacks Kelly launched was to contact (via tweet) Jim Bellino, who is currently involved in a lawsuit with Tamra and Shannon over comments Tamra made on a podcast. Tamra claims she’s spent over half-a-million dollars defending herself against this phony defamation suit. Tamra has been making salacious claims about Jim (and others) for years, and Jim has warned her that he will sue. Well, he did. Shannon’s case was dismissed, but has now been dragged into appeal. So fun times with ChinBob Bellini.
Tamra is livid that Kelly never reached out to her for “context,” because in reality, she was only reciting things Vicki and the others said about Kelly at the tea party to illustrate why Tamra felt the need to defend Kelly against the other women’s attacks. OK, first of all, is this like when Tamra called Brauwnyn a liar while ignoring context? Second of all, YES, Vicki said the throw mama from the stairs thing. But, Tamra is the one started the train rumor and also told everyone Kelly got in a bar fight over Dr. Brian and potentially broke some woman’s hand.
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Tamra brought that up unprovoked because she wanted to make Kelly look bad. Then, when she got called out she tried to pin the entire thing on Braunwyn. Perhaps Kelly isn’t mad specifically about the stairs accusation, but a cumulation of parts? Kelly also knows that Tamra spends the bulk of her day talking shit about one friend to another friend and then going back to Friend A to repeat (plus embellish) all the shit Friend B supposedly said about Friend A.
Tamra believes none of her friends have glommed onto her little confidence game, and to be fair to her, with friends like Vicki – they haven’t. Emily is Team Kelly, though, so she doesn’t really say much at this lunch. But, when we head on over to another restaurant where Kelly is having lunch with Shannon, a whole lot was said!
First, Kelly calls her mom for the first time in 2 years, and they instantly apologize and make up. Then Kelly clarifies that she didn’t throw her mother down the stairs, but picked her up and moved her, this elderly ailing woman, and that the entire story was in fact started by her previously estranged brother, Eric. Why do the people on Real Housewives Of Orange County have such discombobulated family dynamics?!
The good thing about Tamra dragging Bobbi’s name into the mess is that this was the impetus for Kelly to take Emily’s advice and call her mother – if only because Bobbi absolutely HATES Tamra. So, now they can bond over that. Nothing – absolutely nothing – makes a mother forgive faster than when her child says “You were right…”
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Then, Shannon stumbles into breakfast and orders hot water with lemon and egg whites. Poor Shannon was up until 3 am and now she is consumed with believing that Tamra is right about her getting fat again so it’s back to her starvation diet. Ostensibly, Shannon was up all night stressing about court with David Beador. But, the reality is she was stressing about how she is going to appropriately defend Tamra in the onslaught of Kelly. It goes badly.
Shannon tries to tell Kelly that the video was out of context and that her reaction is worse than the crime. Kelly doesn’t care. Kelly is livid and she will scorch Chanel if it means Tamra burns in the tweed fires. That is probably the closest Tamra will ever come to Chanel, anyway, so she’ll gladly take the burns.
Kelly’s new fury is why “high intellect,” USC-educated Shannon continues to allow herself to be manipulated by “poor white trailer trash” like Tamra. I ask myself the very same question every time I watch Real Housewives of Orange County. And I blame David. The reason Shannon takes Tamra’s crap is because she has a pathological fear of being forced to stand on her own two feet and be alone. Therefore, she will subject herself to any amount of psychological torment in exchange for someone pretending to be in her corner so she doesn’t have to handle the hard stuff.
Kelly ends the lunch by informing Shannon that Tamra has also called her a drunk, and she has the texts to prove it. Then, Kelly storms off, stiffing Shannon with the check. Shannon sits there, lost and flustered, and just sadder than a pile of poor egg whites, which were undoubtedly trashed.
RELATED: Real Housewives Of Orange County Star Shannon Beador Calls Ex-Husband David Beador’s Naked Hiking Photos “Trashy”
Meanwhile, Brauwnyn has her own beef-ish with Tamra. Tamra thinks everyone is a drunk because she also apparently told Kelly this about Braunwyn. Tamra also insulted Braunwyn’s tea party dress. Brauwnyn isn’t sure what to think because she believed Tamra was her friend. Plus they have such a deep and intimate connection, but she also loves Kelly.
Braunwyn and Tamra meet for lunch where Tamra uses her gaslighting routine to masterly effect when she insists she wasn’t calling Brauwnyn a liar over who initiated discussing the Kelly boyfriend drama, but about something else entirely. What that “something else” is was not revealed.
Tamra complains that Kelly’s temper is frightening. Tamra doesn’t trust being around her so she might skip the anti-lactation celebration for her own safety. Brauwnyn decides she has no skin in this game – only tongue – so she cancels any potential anger at anyone. She begs Tamra to come to the party early, before Kelly arrives, so she’ll be in a safe zone to test the waters, errr… tequila.
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Then, we see Tamra on the phone ordering strippers – male and female. In the end, it doesn’t matter because Kelly decides not to come since she can’t stand seeing Tamra. Instead, Kelly gets drinks with her real girlfriends to celebrate the fact that Jolie got her period and Kelly demonstrated – on herself and Jolie – how to insert a tampon. Something Kelly shared on national TV with zero concern about the potential embarrassment to her teenaged daughter. OMG.
Meanwhile, Shannon wears the cutest pink suit to head to her deposition with David. They are battling over money and it goes badly. Shannon walked away worried she’d wind up with nothing despite being by David’s side as he built Beador Construction from a pipe dream operating out of the spare bedroom in his rented apartment, to a multi-million dollar company that built a 17,000 square-foot wifi-free house with crystal walls.
And it all led to an affair that Shannon thinks started in none other than Key West where Braunwyn invites all the ladies on a trip so they’ll understand her better. Apparently, Braunwyn makes more sense in Miami…
Vicki is not excited about this boob party. She doesn’t understand it or Brauwnyn. Vicki only supports revealing boobs when she yanks them out at a dinner table in Ireland. Vicki also doesn’t get Braunwyn’s request for inappropriate gifts and that this party is being held at Braunwyn’s sex pad. Basically, Vicki thinks boobs and Braunwyn are equally gross.
RELATED: Vicki Gunvalson Claims She Won’t Return To Real Housewives Of Orange County Unless She Comes Back Full-Time!
Emily and Gina Kirschenheiter go inappropriate gift shopping together. Gina tells Emily that after a fabulous weekend in Palm Springs ‘dating’ Dr. Hottie, Matt is so jealous he cried and begged Gina back. More than ever she’s entertaining the possibility of putting her family back together, but Emily is so bored of this conversation she barely even engages. That’s what Gina wants though – Emily to be her friendselor, and nothing else. They buy Braunwyn a sex swing and some lube, which is a popular gift since Tamra gets the same thing.
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Shannon forces herself to the party after a trying deposition. She is rewarded by being trapped on an ugly velvet sofa by a stripper’s shaking ass and an invitation to revisit the site of the destruction of her life when DAAAAVID started the AFFAIR, aka the ruination of her life as a Newport trophy wife. All that warding off toxins led straight to toxicity!
Shannon is also gearing up to go to trial for her divorce which will ultimately decide the long-term financial settlement, all of which is predicated on what Shannon earned last year (A: QVC doesn’t pay diddly for frozen fish). Two days after court ends is the Miami girl’s trip. What a shitty location. Bravo couldn’t do any better? Is RHOC experiencing the same budget cuts David seems to be?
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But, OMG, how funny was Shannon when that stripper started grinding on her?! Within seconds the prim debutante came stuttering out with a “no thank you ass-full. I’ll just be over here by the cheese, NOT EATING IT, TAMRA, BECAUSE I AM NOT GAINING WEIGHT. But I will sniff it, just for old time’s sake, and maybe a little nibble if I could just please excuse me, get off of this lovely and very restrictive sofa, and I am wearing this Victorian neck ruff to prevent communicable diseases from spreading to my already compromised sinuses which have worsen since I’ve been forced into reduced circumstances after David left me to frolic naked in the Italian country-side advertising socks. But I’m not bitter. Or biting nipple cake!”
Basically, Shannon doesn’t do strippers or Key West, but Emily and Braunwyn do both. Emily let herself be hoisted and grinded on because it’s not like Shane is doing anything in that department (Shane did think this was a “weenie” party after all…). Then, Emily pressed Shannon about using the Key West trip as a way to take back control. Shannon refuses to see it that way. She refuses to accept Key West as anything other than a holding zone for all the emotions she doesn’t want to confront. She will remain in Miami getting holistic butt waxes or something instead.
Gina gets it – after learning of Matt’s affair she cried in the closet and now can’t go back in there. This explains why she’s always dressed like she picked up random things off the floor. It’s called gathering and Gina has the word art to explain it all!
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Also, Vicki fled at the sight of strippers. Apparently, Steve Lodge provides all the nekkidness she needs in life. So, thank you for the visual image of Vicki being a nun. Much appreciated.
I should also mention that at this party, Brauwnyn ran around with her shirt unbuttoned to the navel (and no bra). She ate the nipples off the boob-shaped cake her FAITH-ful friend Tamra brought, and made it rain after grinding with the female stripper only. She also got trashed (as usual) and bumped into a dildo suction-cupped to the wall. Braunwyn smacked it with a ferocity it truly makes me question how she ended up with seven children. So yeah! Great episode; great party. Things are really making a lot of sense around here.
TELL US – IS SHANNON OVERREACTING ABOUT KEY WEST? IS KELLY OVERREACTING ABOUT TAMRA?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
