There were so many bombs dropped on 90 Day Fiance: Before The 90 Days last night, we all need Paul’s military heat vest to withstand the fallout. DUDE, these peeps be CRAY! But I wouldn’t want it any other way, would you? Before we get to the raging hot mess of Angela and Michael, let’s check in with our other couples.
Newcomers Marta, a single mom of two from Milwaukee, is introduced to us and we learn about her online relationship with expert-selfie taker Daya, from Algeria. These two very misguided people are a perfect match, according to Daya, except for one small problem: She is Catholic and he is Muslim. And neither of them have any plans to convert. No prob!
Marta says she’s been done dirty by men in her past, and now focuses on raising her two adorable kids alone. She’s over American guys, so when she connected with Daya through social media and virtual sparks flew, she was convinced that finding love abroad was the answer. Now she plans on visiting Daya in Algeria for two weeks, during which she’ll decide if he’s truly the one for her.
But Daya has been acting super sketchy lately, not answering Marta’s multiple, stalker-level texts, which causes her to wonder what went wrong? Ummmm….maybe it has something to do with the fact that she’s an exotic dancer (and hey – good for her! Make your money, girl!), and that Daya, a very conservative Muslim, is NOT okay with it.
Marta’s mom doesn’t care what Daya’s alleged beefs are; she just doesn’t want her daughter taking off for Algeria, period. She visited a psychic who told her that something very bad would happen to Marta on this trip, so she’s convinced disaster awaits. I have a helpful suggestion for Mother Marta: Please watch seasons 1-5 of 90 Day Fiance and report back on your findings. #YouDontNeedAPsychicToSolveThisMystery
After shoe-gate and breakup #97, Darcey crawls over to Jesse’s hotel room to make up yet again. Because OF COURSE SHE DOES. It’s the last day of Jesse’s trip to the U.S. and, as he packs his serial-killer duffel bag and takes one last look at his burnt baby bangs, he reflects on his time here. “There is a deep love there,” he deadpans about his feelings for Darcey, but he honestly can’t wait to get the f**k away from this broad. Meanwhile, Darcey sobs on the bed, still idiotically hoping Jesse will propose to her soon. Hahahahahahahaha! Oh, I needed that laugh.
Darcey is excited for their long drive to the airport, which will allow her to profess her undying love to Jesse for hours and hours before he flees the scene. Before they go, Darcey drags Jesse to say an awkward goodbye to her daughters, who literally couldn’t care less if this dude stays, leaves, or spontaneously bursts into flames.
In the car, Darcey cries as she bemoans their last fleeting minutes together. Because cameras are still rolling, Jesse valiantly attempts to squeeze out a wee tear too, but he just turns out looking painfully constipated. Then, in classic fashion, the mood turns toxic when traffic hits (which Jesse blames on Darcey, naturally). IT’S NOT ETIQUETTE TO BE STUCK IN TRAFFIC! IT IS AN ILLUSION TO EXPERIENCE DELAYS! Jesse’s fake sadness morphs immediately into evil/scary rage as he punches the ceiling and freaks the f**k out about missing his flight. Basically, he can’t be stuck one more day with Darcey, and he’s about to kill someone over it.
When Darcey ends up getting him to the airport in time, she pretends that the monster who verbally abused her all the way there is once again the love of her life. GROAN. She’s also pretending that Jesse didn’t say the thing he’ll miss most about America is free refills. Squealing about how much she’ll miss him, Darcey jumps into Jesse’s arms for one last hug. Note: Jesse doesn’t even put his arms around her, instead letting her hang there like a Monchichi with velcro paws (do you feel me on that, fellow ‘80s kids?) while he just stares at the sliding doors, dreaming of escape.
After he’s inside, Darcey abandons her vehicle to chase him down one more time. OH MY GOD, THE DESPERATION IS REAL! Because he’s essentially safe now, Jesse throws her a bone, smiling and acting like he loves Darcey running after “her man.” He knows freedom is only minutes away.
It’s only been two weeks since Paul took a shower wore his shiny suit and Karine bawled her eyes out on their wedding day, but the newlyweds are already hating life. Apparently, Paul hasn’t changed at all, and Karine is sick of him treating her like sh*t. Interestingly, Paul’s alleged “rages” are all off camera, which causes us to question what the hell is really going on here? Seriously, it’s disturbing. Almost as disturbing as Paul’s vest.
Apparently, Paul lashed out at Karine for letting her brother “eat all of their food” that Paul bought, even calling Brother Karine a “thief.” Karine feels controlled and manipulated by Paul, who always holds the money thing over her head, and even limits her social media. But when she refuses to talk to him (except for telling him to “Go f**k yourself” in Portuguese), Paul takes to social media himself to call Karine a fake and a liar. This is after he chases Karine down the street while dressed in his ridiculous mosquito/heat vest.
Mother Karine is PISSED, ya’ll! She knew this would be a disaster, and it certainly is. Now, she wants to prevent Karine from going to America with Paul through whatever means necessary. Paul drags David-the-translator over to Mom’s house later to discuss the issue. She tells him flat out that he’s a smart ass and, basically, a terrible husband who creeps her out.
Then we see a glimmer of Paul’s anger boil up when he gets all huffy about no one appreciating him and his “sacrifices,” and everyone calling him the “bad guy.” Because homeboy knows he’s about to finally lose it on camera, he childishly hands Karine’s wedding bands to her mom and runs out of the house, leaving poor David to sit there wondering if he can just translate Paul’s 2-minute tirade in a simple sentence. Like, “I am a giant man baby who burns down houses.”
Mother Karine tells the cameras that she will do ANYTHING to prevent her daughter from going to America with Paul – anything. At this, we wonder if Paul will need to start sniffing his soup in the days to come? Because Karine’s family don’t play.
It’s the end of Rachel’s time in England, so she and Jon head to London to spend their last days together enjoying their engagement, getting grilled by Jon’s bestie, and learning horrifying new things about Jon. Yay!
Jon takes Rachel and Lucy for a ride on the London Eye, where they discuss their doomed future. Jon wants Rachel to come back to England and marry him so he can move to the U.S. on a spousal visa, which he thinks is a safer bet than a K1 fiance visa. Rachel wants to pursue the K1 because it’s faster. Since both of them have law degrees from the University of Magical Thinking, they ultimately know nothing. They need a lawyer, pronto. (And can it please be Gene Simmons’ brother again? Bring back the toupee!)
Later on, Jon wants Rachel to meet up with his longest “mate,” so he takes her to a pub, where his friend sits down to size up the situation. We learn, once again, that none of Jon’s friends or family can believe this dude is in a committed relationship with anything other than his beard. But when Rachel announces Jon proposed to her, Jon’s friend comes right out and admits he’s now scared for HER, not him.
“You don’t have the best track record,” he says to Jon, who slowly finds words to explain what a changed man he is now. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone!” he proclaims, but his friend doesn’t buy it. Then Jon decides it’s time to shoot himself in the foot, admitting that sure, he’s has years of “open relationships” and “tons of girlfriends” in the past – but who cares?
Rachel’s eyes pop out of her head as she lets this information sink in, thinking, Um, dude, are WE in an open relationship? Jon somehow convinces Rachel that his multiple-women-at-a-time behavior is all in the past. Friend Jon looks amused as he watches Jon blow up his own game.
At dinner on their last night together, Jon decides it’s time to double down on his idiocy. When Rachel again questions this “open relationship” sh*t he was spewing earlier, Jon’s all, “Well, what do you call it when you have friends with benefits? What do you call it when you have two? And they’re married? Or, um, have boyfriends or whatever?” *RECORD SCRATCH*
Rachel can’t believe what she’s hearing, and maybe it’s time to mentally check the scoreboard here. Jon’s relevant stats are as follows: 50-60 physical fights, one of which caused severe bodily harm & got him permanently kicked out of school, lives with mom, sorts trash, fools around with married women, hates commitment, didn’t bother to pick her up from train station because he was puking on street in public place, carries toothbrush in coat pocket for said occasions. But lest we forget: RACHEL HAD A LITERAL BABY WHILE “DATING” JON. So…even Stevens?
Given this list of pertinent info, and the fact that Rachel has been cheated on and lied to in the past, what’s she gonna do? Well, SHE’S STILL GOING TO MARRY HIM, GUYS! Yep. The sanity train has left the station. No need to run after it.
Tricky, icky Ricky is still enjoying his sexytimes with Ximena (who’s name he’s now successfully committed to memory), and takes her to a romantic resort to show her how much he loves her. As a reminder, Ricky met Ximena about three days ago. Also, he came to Colombia for Melissa, a catfish/robot who rejected him after meeting him for 30 minutes. Now, Ricky’s all about his Plan B, and plans to propose to Ximena with the ring he brought for Melissa. BECAUSE RICKY IS A GENIUS, YOU GUYS.
When they sit down for their romantic outdoor dinner at the resort later, Ricky decides it’s time to fess up – probably because the producers are threatening him at this point and/or releasing footage for Ximena to review. After downing a huge glass of wine and listening to Ximena profess how much she loves him and wants to spend her life with him (!!!), Ricky finally word-vomits the whole truth right there at the table.
As he regales Ximena with the half-true story of coming here for Melissa, it “not working out,” then calling Ximena as a back up plan – but totally being grateful for it because it turns out Ximena is the love of his life!!! – Ximena’s expression turns from googly-eyed to ragey-eyed. She tears up, angrily telling Ricky that he’s “bullsh*t!” and that she is “no one’s second choice!”
As Ximena expertly reads him the riot act, Ricky sits in stunned silence, soiling his pants. Without eating a bite, she finally gets up from the table and marches back to the room. Let’s assume Ricky will be sleeping in a ditch tonight, okay? Maybe she’ll throw him the Fanny Pack as a pillow.
Angela & Michael
After that bombshell, it seems impossible to think that Angela and Michael could top it. But, oh, how wrong we would be! This duo is like the floating garbage barge in the middle of the sea…it just keeps getting bigger, and we can see it growing even from space.
Also at a romantic resort, Angela and Michael stroll the beach and discuss their relationship. Well, scratch that – Angela actually grills Michael about him being a lowdown, dirty liar who’s following a sh*t ton of hot chicks on Instagram, yet still refuses to put her picture on his phone. And once again, I must ask, why would a man not want to wake up this this every morning…?
With his green card mentally dissolving before his eyes, Michael just keeps apologizing, hoping that Angela will force him to have sex again soon so he can keep this thing going another 24 hours. But Angela isn’t close to done yet! Nope. She calls Michael out for his multiple lies and cheating ways. Apparently, Michael hasn’t just been trolling chicks on the internet; he’s also been out trolling the bars in Lagos FOR BLOW JOBS. (I can’t believe I’m typing these words.)
Yes, we heard that right. Michael admits he got a BJ from a girl he met (after he was “in a relationship” with Angela), but grossly defends that the random girl “forced it on him” as payment for a ride he gave her. Um, WTF?!? Angela now questions Michael’s original story, calling him out for lying about how this particular BJ was procured. He immediately folds under questioning – probably in fear of bodily harm – and admits yes, he actually picked a girl up in a bar and was looking for free BJs. OMG!!!!!!!!!
Enraged, Angela heads to the tiki bar that night to scare the poop out of the bartender drink and call her daughter, Scottie. But when she learns that Michael already called Scottie and told her she went out drinking, Angela goes FULL TILT PSYCHO (which I fully support, btw), screaming at Michael when he wanders into the bar to talk it out. Angela is so mad, in fact, she can’t even remember how many times she’s been disrespected. “Three times! No, four times! No, three! I don’t even damn know!” she shouts. Hmm…let’s go with four.
In any case, it looks like this will be the LAST time she’s disrespected. Huffing and puffing her way back to the room, Angela screams at Michael the entire way while try to interview him in the dark hideout of a palm grove. Finally she demands, “Just throw my sh*t out the door!” so she can leave. But she can’t wait for that, stomping into the room to gather her many tank tops and ripped leggings herself, telling Michael that he doesn’t even get to keep the Trump gear she bought him. LOL! As she throws Michael’s MAGA hat into her bag, she seethes, “You will not, I repeat, you will NOT wear my damn President’s hat, b*tch!” Yo, this is getting serious. And hilarious. (Okay, fine – I know I am a bad person for loving it, but this scene is EVERYTHING.)
Angela sums up her feelings when she tells Michael, “You done f**ked with the wrong American!” But then she pulls the unacceptable move of shoving him on the way out, causing producers to practically step in/fear for their own lives. She’s done with Michael. And Michael knows his green card dreams are over too. “Now I will be stuck in Nigeria,“ he sighs, thinking about where he will score his next BJ.
Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on Acast, Stitcher, and iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.
TELL US: IS THIS THE END OF MICHAEL AND ANGELA? RICKY AND XIMENA? JESSE AND DARCEY? (SHOULD WE START A BETTING POOL???)
Photo Credit: TLC
