Here we are at the finish line of a cuckoo season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. In the spirit of Real Housewives Reunions past and present, we must pay homage to all of the fights, cake throws, and anti-Semitic slander that went down. Since we’ve already lived through it once, why not do it all over again? Warning: There are split screen throw downs and Release the gimp! moments in store (i.e., Kim D makes an appearance). It’s GO time!
First things first, the attire. Melissa Gorga, in my opinion, wins best in show for this reunion because she went for cocktail chic instead of junior prom night circa 1995. Controversial opinion: Margaret Josephs comes in second, if only because that shade of green is perfection on her, and I’m loving the noticeable absence of pigtails. Teresa Giudice is looking very…Teresa, which is pretty damn good for someone who struggles valiantly against the gravity of her hairline. Meanwhile, Danielle Staub, Siggy Flicker, and Dolores Catania bring up the caboose of this fashion(ish) show with fullly engorged bubbies On Display! On Display! On Display! in more bronzer than the smush-room of the Jersey Shore house ever saw. Let’s hope these couches get a good dry cleaning after this sh*t goes down.
After complimenting the ladies on their dresses, Botox, and hair choices, Andy offers to make out with Teresa in the near future (!?!?) and throws Melissa a softball about Envy. “It’s going great!” she chirps. Good for her! She also congratulates herself on not saying as much stupid sh*t as Teresa does, in general. True dat. Siggy talks about doing JOSHUA’s laundry via mail because he’s in the smothered son witness protection program, and Margaret discusses her pigtail fetish.
Talk turns serious when Margaret laments still not being in contact with her stepchildren, but she’s hopeful things will change. Marge talking about them on the show has apparently not going over well with them either. Margaret says she wants them to know she loves him Her business and family are thriving otherwise, despite Siggy’s attempt at character assassination this year.
Speaking of that…Siggy still hates Marge! And Marge still hates Siggy! GROAN. We are going to hear a lot about their mutual loathing tonight. Siggy, who reminds us, “I’m an Israeli! You messed with the wrong person!” is ready for all these other b*tches to exit stage left so she and Margaret can just go full on Celebrity Death Match. At least Dolores is making sure her contract is renewed by admitting she’s okay with Margaret now.
Station break to squeal with delight over Tabatha Coffey coming back to Bravo with her new show Relative Success With Tabatha! Oh, how I love a good Aussie smackdown, courtesy of that fiery blonde pixie. Wheeeeeeeeee!
Okay, back to the sh*tshow. Andy praises all of the women about being great moms – except for Siggy, who likes to talk about her son coming out of her “cookie.” Siggy thinks Margaret is more inappropriate for describing that oh-so-grotesque “raw chicken” feeling that the Pot Puss gives her. <gag> But Marge gives no f**ks what Siggy or he cookie think. And Ramona Singer apparently gives no f**ks about Andy’s reunion filming schedule because she calls Melissa’s cell phone smack in the middle of p*ssy discussions for a little TAWLK! L-O-Mothafreaking-L!!!! Yo, this is the best thing that’s gonna happen in parts one and two of the RHONJ Reunion, hands down.
Teresa talks about disciplining her girls, which is a struggle considering all they’ve endured these past few years. She swears that her relationship with Melissa is stronger than ever now though, and that their bond isn’t just for cameras. But Tre does admit that yeah, she DID ban Melissa from visiting her in prison. Because back then, she hated that trifling chick! #Nostalgia
Andy wonders of some part of Teresa will always resent Joe Giudice for the year she lost with her mom. She says they’ll have “some making up to do” when he comes home, but writing the book was therapeutic. All the way to the bank, one would suppose. Melissa thinks Tre hasn’t been hard enough on Joe. Despite her circular talk about not wanting to divorce Joe but-kinda-still-hating-him, Teresa says that yes, she’ll stand by her damn man – whether it’s in the US or in Italy. (Because that dude is most definitely under threat of deportation, no matter how much Tre says otherwise!)
Alright, kids. It’s time to take a trip down memory lane to relive the gutter dive Siggy and Margaret’s relationship took this season. Instead of rehashing the particulars (because unlike Siggy, WE ARE OVER IT), let’s just look at the highlights: Siggy doesn’t like to be called Soggy, but she does like making money off of those Soggy Flicker t-shirts! Siggy still cries foul over the Boca beach ceremony, having her uterus insulted (bah!), cake throwing comments…ugh, we know the rest. Of course, Margaret just gives one more blanket apology to shut this child up. It does not work.
But it’s the next topic that’s really where the tea is piping hot: SIGGY’S BEHAVIOR ON SOCIAL MEDIA. Which, if you haven’t been following, is a portrait of a woman come undone. For REALZ. Margaret claims she has received death threats from some of the trolls trolling her, all in the name of Siggy Flicker Fandom. She calls out Siggy on tweeting at PETA over the stuffed bear in her foyer, which Siggy initially denies until the tweet is literally presented on screen!
“Don’t talk about my foyer, I won’t talk about yours!” screams Siggy, whose defense is her feelings being hurt over people making fun of the zillion portraits she has hanging in her Boca Raton foyer. Yes, we are now at the level where foyer fights are occurring, people. Even Melissa sees the lunacy in this and just cracks the hell up.
Enough! Bring out the Staub! Danielle comes slinking out to join Teresa and Margaret on the couch. If anyone’s loaded for bear, it’s this broad. Siggy – get those pretend finger guns ready again, honey! Andy still can’t believe that Teresa and Danielle are allies now – and, um, neither can we. But let’s play along for the sake of TV magic! The bygone days of Tre body-slamming Andy to get to Danielle across the reunion stage is over, but the past lives on. Melissa takes accountability for communicating with Danielle back in the day behind Teresa’s back (finally, she admits it!!!), but that was then. This is now.
Danielle claims that her entire life was ruined by that infamous Prostitution Wh*re! table flip, but is ready to put it behind her. Teresa doesn’t want to go back in time either – mainly because she’s got the memory of a goldfish and can barely remember the word for “adultery” when called upon to do so.
So, let’s talk about Danielle’s sex in the bathroom scandal! Yes, she did do the dirty with her fiance in the Gorga’s restaurant bathroom, which is possibly a sorrier step down from getting busy in the Burger King bathroom. Siggy and Dolores are totally disgusted by Danielle’s behavior, but no one else seems to care. Or they’re pretending not to care in the name of solidarity? Hmm. Bottom line: Danielle’s level of nastiness is beyond words. And I can’t believe I’m about to type this, but…I’m with Sig & Do on this one. #YUCK
Oh no. Skip to the next paragraph if you simply cannot hear one more G-D word about cake. “Who f**king throws a cake at a restaurant!” tape is rolled again, and Siggy repeats her many hurt feelings over the beautiful, special, emotionally-anthropomorphized cake that would probably throw itself off a ledge if it knew it would be talked about for FOUR MONTHS!!! You know what – I can’t even deal. Let’s move on.
Siggy is at least called out for pouring her wine all over the table, but calling everyone else “animals” for their dinner behavior. She blames it all on the “jabs” made about her husband, which is a weak excuse. She also isn’t particularly sorry about humiliating Melissa at her party about the cake crap. Margaret thinks Siggy is ready for The Real Housewives Of Bellevue because, well, she is a relationship “expert” in serious need of therapeutic intervention.
Margaret basically cannot handle one more minute with Siggy at this reunion. They spend the next segment trading barbs about IQs and degrees and business success. But they barely get their fists balled up to fight before Andy flips the script! He wants to bring out the woman at the center of all the drama: Kim DePaola.
Melissa doesn’t understand why Siggy likes “that human being,” and Teresa can’t believe Kim’s been released from her cage for the night. But oh yes, she has indeed been unshackled by her circus trainer! Because Andy springs the news on them that she’s HERE. He also warns Teresa not to get off that couch under any circumstances, young lady! Ooh – I kinda dig this Vice Principal Andy. (I am having very weird feelings about this right now…please look away.)
“I thought this was The Real Housewives of New Jersey, not Tales from the Crypt,” snarks Tre, at which Kim D just cackles and slow claps. Insulting her only makes her stronger, woman! Don’t you know this by now?!? “You mess with me b*tch and you go back to jail! Clink clink!” shouts Kim, which of course inspires Teresa to jump immediately off the couch and head her way. But we’ll have to wait until next week to see who stops Tre from her second felony, and what receipts Kim brought with her. Because according to chatter, there will be evidence!
TELL US: WHAT DIRT WILL KIM D HAVE? WILL SIGGY TAKE OWNERSHIP OF ANYTHING? ARE WE GOING TO HEAR MORE ABOUT THE ONLINE HARASSMENT MARGE ALLUDED TO?
Photo Credit: Bravo
