I made sure to wear my eclipse safety glasses while staring at the California sun, so I wouldn’t damage my eyes and miss seeing the drama on last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County. It’s a good thing too, because Kelly Dodd was wearing scrunchies on her wrists!
Last night was certainly a Me! Me! Me! episode – aren’t they all? – but this one was especially bad! It started with Vicki Gunvlason announcing that Briana’s uterus and Mike’s sperm belong to her! Cause Coto Insurance needs more worker bees to take over the family hive.
Aka, Vicki needs more grandchildren. NOW! NOW! NOW! Her sage advice to Mike is “date to mate,” as in he should only be sleeping with women he plans to reproduce with. Not before they sign a baby-nup, right?! I have a feeling Mike has listened to “Gold Digger” many-a-times and ain’t gonna get stuck with no 18 years. Either that or no woman wants to get stuck with Vicki for the next 18 years!
“Date to Mate”, eh – WWTD (What Would Tamra Do?), well Tamra Judge would definitely date to mate and then marry to divorce. Tamra knew going into her first two marriages that they wouldn’t last. They were “practice marriages” but Eddie is the real ‘one’. Couples who make bathtub porn together, stay together!
Over dinner, Eddie invites Tamra to Spain and gushes that he loves spending every waking moment with her (better him than us), and Tamra cries about her mom, Sandy, for skipping the Erasing Families event, then blames her mom for not trying to fix things between Tamra and Sidney. Sandy did this on purpose to hurt Tamra and avoid talking about feelings! Also since Tamra meddles ineffectively in Ryan’s life, she expects her mom to do the same. Tamra is how old?
Tamra also blames Eddie for making her fall in love with him so soon after her practice marriage from Simon! Tamra was too wrapped up in planning her wedding, getting fit, and parenting robotic babies to pay attention to her real kids, so 4 months after Tamra and Eddie tied the knot, Sidney erased Tamra.
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Later Tamra calls her mom to lecture her about missing HER event. Sandy beats Tamra at her own game by bursting into tears about how it was too painful for her to think about Sidney erasing them. Of course, that’s Sandy’s fault – she didn’t show love or demonstrate good communication skills to Tamra, and then Tamra only kinda spoke to her dad for 10 years.
So let’s talk about Shannon Beador, or “dear” as David ever-so-lovingly calls her, like an 80 year-old talking to his granddaughter. Ugh. Anyway, Shannon is taking control of her thighs – her CHICKEN thighs you guys – by soaking them in buttermilk – the only healthy dairy. Maybe she imagines she’s drowning Vicki’s words in that buttermilk too?
Vicki says, “I’m flattered that Shannon thinks of me while eating her feelings food and gnawing on her hatred for David not exercising.” Well Shannon is doing something about her weight, dammit! She’s making 380 calorie dinners that her kids find so disgusting they feed it to the dog under the table, and she’s demanding David STOP the inanity of eating chips before her delicious dinner. Shannon is also revolutionizing the food industry with her brilliant unheard of restaurant concept: affordable, healthy food that’s low-cal. Is hair in the entree considered a delicacy now?
I can just see Shannon combing Pinterest, pinning low-cal recipes and shoving them on the menu at Lo-Cal (A play on So-Cal) or Oh, Kale Yeah, or Gimme The Beet or Lemonbalm – or whatever ridiculous yippie (hipster/yuppie) name she chooses for this “very unique” restaurant she’s planning to open. The restaurant may not earn any money, but it’s a sacrifice she’s willing to make to save people from their unhealthy, toxic lives – money is the ultimate toxin. David chokes down another piece of buttermilk chicken and sighs, “That’s gross, dear.”
Yes, good luck with that dear.
Meghan Edmonds had a baby … we think. I’m still not convinced the dog and the baby are the same, and sometimes Meghan just stuffs a baby mask on the dog’s head. Why does Meghan even have a nanny since she never seems to have a baby. Or a Jimmy Dad Jeans, for that matter.
Meghan tells her phone to “FaceTime Jimmy Edmonds” cause why on earth would you need your husband’s full name in there? Isn’t he at least listed under “ICE,” which funnily enough F-Timing Jimmy is kind of like speaking to a block of ice. Or a hamburger, which is what Meghan was talking to since Jimmy was more interested in eating than in his wife. So Meghan is married to the Hamburgler, who can’t even be bothered to steal a few days with his family in between trips. Meghan swears Jimmy is “THE SWEETEST” guy ever “when he’s not being an asshole.” So when he’s not being a hamburger, he’s a piece of cake? Meghan needs a Manny.
Lydia McLaughlin had LOTs to celebrate last night: her birthday, her magazine launch, the official babysteps towards Tamicki reunifying. YAY-Squared.
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First Lydia turned 36 and got not one, but TWO Lexus Commercials. OMG – it’s like winning both the Showcase Showdowns! One car is her “mom car” – her $90,000 mom car. Which would be covered in about $90,000 of Cheddar Bunnies within 6 minutes of my kids riding in it, but YAY anyway. The second car was $180,000 ‘fun car’ for when Lydia wants to pretend her life is Girlfriends Guide To Divorce. She also received a crown of flowers, Chanel, a matching mother-daughter dress, and a trip to the F–king Catalina Wine Mixer via a helicopter. Lydia knows this is self-absorbed, but she’s a princess and her birthday is a super-special day, therefore it’s totally worth it to decimate their bank account. WOO HOO. However, Lydia’s ultimate gift was that she scheduled an appointment for Douggie to get those balls snipped off!
Two Luxury Cars for Lydia’s full love tank which she can drive into her future $270,000; Copter & crown of flowers: $25,000; a vasectomy – priceless.
Poor Doug – he loves balls, especially cheeseballs which explains his attraction to Lydia. Lydia loves Doug’s balls too which is why she’s decided to throw a “Balls Voyage” party to memorialize them. “I love his balls and I feel like they deserve to be celebrated,” explains Jesus Skipper. Um… WWTJD? Tamra she would get those balls naked wasted then cast in bronze to display on the mantle; Jesus… he wold probably advise Lydia to feed cheeseballs to the needy instead.
The birthday festivities ended with Lydia demanding Doug smash her face into her birthday cake, which considering the weird conversation about balls, just leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth. Like some sort of weird S&M food porn was happening and I just don’t know what Jesus would say about that!
While Doug is showering Lydia with cake and Chanel, Kelly drags Michael out of his coffin so she can force him to eat Lobster Mac & Cheese in public. Poor Kelly, once upon a time marrying a much-older man for his money didn’t seem like such a big deal, but now Michael is about to turn 60 and just wants to stay home. The obvious solution is that Kelly can drop Michael and her mom off at the senior center, then go whoop it up.
Michael tries to praise Kelly for being the most social person he knows, but she takes it as an insult and defensively screams that she’s not an alcoholic while throwing her plate at him. Oh wait… I’m confusing my RHOC tantrums. Kelly’s marital miscommunications have given her a new empathy for Shannon. They like totally get each other now.
Yay – Lydia has a launch party for Nobleman Magazine. Cause it’s totally noble for men to be neutered. Yay! All the ladies show up to watch Lydia wave her arms around and get her beard shaved while eating sushi. It was such a special event that Tamra busted out her Dolly Parton wig and then wore the same outfit as Vicki. Yay.
What the hell was that mess at that party? Why is Meghan now the authority on mastectomies? Why do I get the feeling she’s gonna be Detectiving Peggy’s cancer all because Peggy asked for help buttoning her dress in the bathroom and then warned Meghan to be careful of her boobs. Don’t do it Meghan! Just keep your neck inside your shell and worry about Girly-Girl Aspen meeting her sitting up milestones.
Vicki is uncomfortable at the party cause apparently Tamra and Shannon are stalking her. She compares them to ants that she’d like to step on, or burn with a magnifying glass. Just when she’s plotting to entrap them and put them in an ant farm at the Coto Offices, Lydia comes over waving her arms and saying “Yay Ayayay Yayayayayayay you and Tamra should talk and be friends again cause you’re like family and Whoop!” And Vicki is like, oh I am over Tamra, but do you really think she’ll forgive me?! Oh, I’m mad too. OK sure next week I’ll clear all my meetings for another chance to be Tamra’s friend.” Then Vicki left early because everyone was giving her dirty looks and that’s not fair! I thought Vicki didn’t care?
Then Lydia skips over to Tamra and says Tamra will finally have the opportunity to show Vicki that the Wizard gave her maturity and she can say her peace in an adult way, and Tamra is like OK! I’ll skip my arm, abs, and butt day to chat with Vicki, then Shannon bursts over and sulks that Vicki doesn’t want to meet with her too. Lydia is too busy processing that crazy and keeping the sushi rice from falling out of her open mouth and onto the floor, when Peggy gets into the mess of trying to tell Tamra that she and Vicki should just drink her Frozen daiquiri and “Let it go”.
I mean Peggy is right, Tamra needs to either move on or like really decide not to, but quit saying she’s over it – mentally she hasn’t forgiven Vicki one bit. She must have been hangry cause she practically ripped Peggy’s head off when Peggy suggested that Tamra was too invested in the drama with Vicki and grudges add 10lbs. Tamra straight up threatened to terminate her friendship with Peggy and sneered “Watch it” in the confessionals. Um, Tamra: WWSD. (What Would Satan Do?).
Look, Vicki is so in the wrong about all her BS, but Tamra is no innocent. Tamra and Vicki are crabs in a barrel of bad intentions – they’re each trying to leverage the other’s bad behavior to get ahead and wind up going nowhere. It’s baptism by liars! Peggy outing herself as a Vicki sympathizer earned her a place on Tamra and Shannon’s shit list, though. She better sharpen her claws.
As the party ends, Tamra gives Sycophantic Shannon a huge hug and thanks her for being a sincere friend.
In the limo home Shannon sneers that Vicki is only ‘glomming’ onto Peggy cause she has cancer and wants to redeem her image. Tamra is gleeful at the prospect of Vicki one day, sooner than later, throwing Peggy under the bus too – which is Peggy’s karma for taking Vicki’s side, and she is furious that Peggy would have the audacity to question Tamra’s hatred of Vicki and accuse her of being unhealthily wrapped up in it.
I think Peggy makes some fair points, but for being an English Major she sure is bad at convincingly making those points without “opening the worm up again.” Where exactly did Peggy earn that degree – McUniversity in Professor Hamburgler’s class? Which is also where Meghan went to med school.
TELL US – WHO IS LESS OVER IT: TAMRA OR VICKI? SHOULD THEY MAKE UP?
[Photo Credits: Bravo & Nicole Weingart/Bravo]
