It’s Go Time! This week’s Real Housewives Of New York picks up right where we left off – in the Hamptons at Ramona Singer’s home, with Dorinda Medley poised to pounce on Sonja Morgan. And pounce, she does. She does NOT make it nice. No, no, no. And Ramona couldn’t be happier (or more Pinot’d up) that she gets to host the party that will launch a thousand storylines this season. Ramona isn’t so happy later on when Carole Radziwill un-invites her to her election party, though. This week also marks the emergence of Tinsley Mortimer out from under Sonja’s tattered wing when she sneaks out for dinner with Luann De Lesseps and Dorinda – but fails to invite her benefactress along! Oh, I could just pinch myself with delight at the Jane Austen-ness of the whole Tinsley/Sonja tableau! It’s just…delicious.
As Sonja and Tinsley stroll into the party, Tinsley is nervous to meet Dorinda. But there’s no need! Because after double kisses with Luann, Dorinda plays nice with Tinsley, trading small talk about how it’s going living at Sonja’s Socialite Rehabilitation Center. But Tinsley goes deep fast, revealing her messy past – then instantly regretting the word vomit. Dorinda’s like, Who cares? I see a limping gazelle strolling through the weeds… She’s got her sights set on Sonja, and only Sonja, tonight.
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In another corner, Carole and Sonja discuss Bethenny’s “porn,” which Sonja couldn’t care less about. Sonja chalks up Ramona’s attack on Bethenny as Ramona just being Ramona! Which is like being all, “That’s just Ted Bundy being Ted Bundy!” when another murder occurs. Ramona gets a pass on atrocious behavior because her calling card is atrocious behavior. It’s the circle of life!
Dinner is served. And Candace Bushnell of Sex And The City fame is in attendance, ya’ll! (Does she need fresh material?) Sonja acknowledges Dorinda first, asking why she’s staying at Ramona’s now? She used to be friends with Luann and Ramona, but now she’s booted out to the borrowed pad of a faceless friend. That’s all Dorinda needs as ammunition to cock and load. She confronts Sonja on talking sh*t about her in the blogs, on the streets, on the Facebook – whatever. And Sonja, mute and frozen in her chair, has no choice but to absorb the next twenty minutes of vitriol headed her way.
“Shut your mouth,” begins Dorinda, which is always a strong opener. So Sonja does. Then Dorinda reads her for filth like only a gangsta can. She wants Sonja to 1) stop getting vaginal rejuvenation, 2) put an EZ Pass on that vagina of hers since it’s the Holland Tunnel and 3) install and turnstile and ticket system in her townhouse. In that order. Even Ramona feigns shock over this brutal takedown, although her nervous smile belies the fact she knew it was coming.
Then Dorinda calls Sonja out on enjoying her “sober” doggystylin’ with the stripper at Luann’s bridal shower. Sonja, unsure why this is a read, innocently chimes in that yes, she enjoyed it very much! And herein lies the paradox of Sonja. She is a dazzling mix of innocent (clueless), messy (backstabbing), and charming (manipulative) that constantly sets her up for a fall. She just can’t get out of her own damn way, and she is coming to a battle of wits with Dorinda utterly unarmed. Which is reminiscent of the battering she took from Bethenny last year over her Tipsy Girl launch. Is she at fault in both cases for ruffling others’ feathers? Yeah, probably. Was she calculated in doing so? More than likely. Does she have any foresight about what it will cost her in the end, though? Not. One. Iota.
Tinsley, afraid that Sonja might actually get punched in the face, attempts to defend her friend. But Luann speaks up to offer some proof: There was a blogger that very day who quoted Sonja saying she “wouldn’t be caught dead” at Luann’s wedding. Sonja denies ever saying such a thing. “I don’t talk like that,” defends Sonja, who adds that she wouldn’t miss the wedding for the world! Oh, dear, dumb Sonja.
“YOU WEREN’T INVITED!” shouts Dorinda, while Carole just chows down on spaghetti, giggling. “This is Dorinda on Diet Coke,” muses Carole, who wonders what the fug would be going down if martinis had been consumed?
Finally finding her voice, Sonja starts to battle back, claiming that the press is twisting her words! She NEVER said these things that a large handful of separate people at disparate media outlets have conspired to lie about! <side eye>
Oh snap! What? There are dudes at this table. When did they show up? One of them – Glenn, a friend of Ramona’s who likely wants to vertically slit his wrists right now – offers a toast to Ramona, telling the table as diplomatically as he can that this dinner party is an embarrassing sh*tshow and they need to put a sock in it. The group quiets down for a beat, then turns to safer talk: the election. SNORT! But Dorinda isn’t done needling yet, so she finds a way to throw Sonja to the wolves (ie, Carole, in this case) again by revealing that Sonja was a Trump consultant. Yeah – in 1993, Dorinda. For a hotel or some such nonsense.
Remember how Dorinda said she had a hard on for Sonja? Well, she seems to have taken 4-6 Viagra out of John’s medicine cabinet before dinner. The Dorinda train is officially OFF THE RAILS. As she gets up to leave the table, she snarks at Sonja, “Fix the toilet in your townhouse!” then literally leans over her shoulder to mimic Eadie Beale ala Grey Gardens. Okay – I love me some Dorinda (and some Sonja), but Dorinda, in this moment, has officially jumped from righteous indignation to schoolyard punk. She needs to be shot with a tranquilizer dart, yo!
After Dorinda storms out, Carole tries to use small words, explaining to Sonja just why Hurricane Dorinda blew through. Tinsley is utterly freaked out, yet enlightened about what Sonja may or may not have said in the press. Oh Lord! Dorinda is suddenly back, still Level Ten Pissed, and ready for more. She snarls at Sonja for being a “delusional fool!” just as Carole gets a call from Bethenny, who’s waiting in a car outside.
From her car, Bethenny peeks through the curtains like a stalker while Carole relays the events going inside the Housewives Zoo, where ample feces is being flung. Dorinda is off the reservation, Sonja is delusional/confused about her part in things, and the entire dinner party has turned into Planet Of The Apes, Dorinda Rising. Bethenny, who can hear actual screaming through the phone, obviously wants a ticket to this show, but the specter of Ramona keeps her at bay.
Inside, dinner has finally broken up, and Ramona attempts to comfort Sonja in that pat-the-head-I-love-you-both-now-get-over-it way. Meanwhile, Carole is telling Bethenny that she needs to un-invite Ramona to her election party because…well, she hates that b*tch! But the reason she offers? Ramona is a know it all who drives her insane, and since she doesn’t care about the election anyway, why bother coming?
Well, because cameras will be there, Carole, and we all know what happens when a Housewife is banned from a potentially important dramatic scene. Sonja, circa RIGHT NOW happens. That’s what. Offended, Ramona announces that Carole is not her friend anymore! And by the way, neither is Sonja for supporting Carole’s decision! Hmmph!
Dorinda has taken her ball of rage to the parlor, where she chats with Candace (well chats at her, technically). She’s sick of everyone asking how she’s doing. “I’ll tell you how I’m doing,” she snarks, “Not well b*tch.” And, cue the soundbite of the season. Luann’s “Be cool, don’t be all…uncool” has heretofore been replaced with Dorinda’s line of the night – the year – nay, even the franchise? Powered by Diet Coke (TM).
But Ramona doesn’t care how anyone’s doing right now, for it’s her birthday! It’s everyone born in November’s birthday! Let them eat cake! As Ramona inanely screams “Happy birthday, Bethenny!” at no one, everyone sighs and watches her cackle over turning another chronological year older, yet retaining the maturity of a fourth grader.
Sigh. I cannot believe we’re only thirty minutes into this episode. I feel like we just lived through The Hobbit – all three parts.
But a new day dawns! The next morning, Dorinda and Ramona head over to Luann’s house for brunch. Dorinda is feeling relieved after her rage-enema the night before. She’s not a grudge holder; she’s a straight shooter…or that’s how she sees it. Ramona is still raw about Bethenny holding a grudge against her (what, for 24 hours?) and Carole banning her from the election party. No one gives a rip about Ramona’s problems, though. Dorinda and Sonja are the ladies of the hour. “Enough is enough!” says Dorinda, who is happy she turned this cold war white hot.
For her part, Sonja is letting Dorinda’s tirade roll off her back. But her memory is refreshed very soon. Because when she and Tinsley arrive at Luann’s house – oops! – she hears Dorinda loudly talking smack about her just before they enter the room. Hence, Tinsley is in disbelief that Sonja greets Dorinda with a version of “Friends again? Okay, yay! Kiss-kiss.” Is this how these broads roll? wonders Tinsley.
After a tour of Luann’s renovated home, Sonja and Luann make up too. Aww. It may not last, but it feels good in the moment, doesn’t it? It also feels good to imagine you’re invited to events that you’re not – as in, Luann’s wedding. Which Sonja legit still believes she’s going to.
Back in the city, Tinsley meets Dorinda and Luann out for dinner. One hitch: She didn’t tell her guardian about her plans. Yikes. They discuss Ramona’s upcoming birthday party – in addition to the cake she already served herself, and the Ladies Who Lunch shindig she hosts every year. She’s turning SIXTY after all – a number Dorinda relishes repeating several times to make sure it sticks. Tinsley agrees she’ll go, and that she’ll keep mum about the surprise.
They rehash the Sonja/Dorinda drama again (but let’s take a page out of the RHONY playbook and not revisit this again here, shall we?). Then Tinsley spills the beans that she didn’t tell Sonja about dinner tonight, leaving her at the townhouse to pick through her underwear drawer in preparation for a date with her new man – Frenchie. They ladies agree that Sonja is a big girl, but secretly know that she is extremely jealous.
Tinsley might be playing with fire. But she’s not playing coy when it comes to her past as she divulges the troubled relationship that landed her in the slammer. She’s gotten the arrest cleaned off of her record and simply wants to move on now. Luann and Dorinda listen non-judgmentally, at least for now. “You’re gonna do very well in New York,” encourages Luann, who knows that men love damsels in distress.
At the Madam Paulette Warehouse in Long Island, Dorinda is visiting John – who I thought was not appearing on RHONY this year? At least that’s what Dorinda promised in some recent interviews. Oh well. Here he is! Dorinda’s daughter has moved out, but it’s not necessarily time for John to move in. John will have to be satisfied with the occasional sleepover until further notice.
Over at Carole’s house, Bethenny visits to discuss how to solve a problem like Ramona. Carole has obnoxiously named ALL of her animals “Baby,” by the way, which she tells Bethenny upon greeting her. What. Ever.
Carole defines “shacking up” for Bethenny. Spoiler Alert! It means…living together. But only if you’re too cool for school, name all of your animals the same name, and refuse to reupholster your couch.
Bethenny is reeling from “unexpected events” that have happened in the wake of her divorce, and from Ramona coming at her by way of her daughter. “I have no room. I’m full,” says Bethenny, who just wants off of the Ramonacoaster – for REAL this time. Even if she makes up with her, she knows she’ll get burned again.
Back at Sonja’s, she’s discussing Tinsley with her assistant, Connor. She likes that Tinsley is a girl about town, but she kind of resents it too. She found out about Tinsley’s dinner with Luann and Dorinda and, true to form, is fit to be tied. Why doesn’t Tinsley invite her along to events that Sonja DESERVES to be at!?!? At least, that’s what the voices in Sonja’s head ask her.
Eeeeeeek! Outside the kitchen door, Tinsley hovers, hearing Sonja smack talking her. Tinsley is upset that Sonja can’t allow her to create her own social connections (just like she advised her to do!) with or without her and, furthermore, that she’d call their friendship into question over it. Methinks Tinsley is unaware that Sonja delusionally sees herself as a mentor to the charges in her care.
Sonja’s spare bedroom comes with strings, and these strings include walking side by side with her everywhere – and not bringing strange men home. That’s Lady Morgan’s job! Tinsley gets over it quickly after confronting Sonja on the matter, but wonders if living in her daughter’s spare bedroom makes Sonja think she’s Tinsley’s mother? Because no grown gal deserves that fate.
TELL US: THOUGHTS ON DORINDA’S MELTDOWN? HOW CAN SHE AND SONJA MOVE ON SO QUICKLY? WILL BETHENNY EVER FORGIVE RAMONA? IS SONJA TOO TERRITORIAL WITH TINSLEY?
Photo Credit: Bravo
