Last night the ladies of Real Housewives of Orange County all swore they weren't menopausal. In an effort to prove this they all reverted to acting like 10th graders who had ditched their chaperone on the high school field trip! Woo Hoo! Let's be bitches.
Vicki Gunvalson and Shannon Beador have connected over their mutual crazy and empty love tanks. Shannon knows just how to temporarily fill hers and she's letting Vicki in on her little secret: Dr. Moon! They pay a visit to his office where Vicki gets acupuncture and demands to check her email because "work! work! work!" and relax-schmelax! She asks Dr. Moon when he's gonna fill up her love tank and he stuck his finger up her butt. I kid you not! Shannon said Dr. Moon "de-jammed it". I think I'd rather have an empty love tank…
Shannon and new bestie Vicki go get their nails done with Tamra Barney. "You need good nails," Vicki instructs. But apparently you don't need good plastic surgery or frizz free hair. Or good boyfriends. Tamra is still harping about this ugly sweater Christmas party and it was like so horrible having to wear a funky polyester themed sweater. My, my has she become snobby! Who does Tamra think she is – Heather Dubrow? Speaking of which, Tamra and Vicki complain about Heather's pretensions and arrogance. Shannon – so happy to have friends and so happy to feel loved and included (finally someone likes her besides vodka!) – decides she too has a problem with how condescending Heather is. I mean there was that one time Heather snickered about Shannon putting diamonds in her teeth.
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Tamra is planning a get-together with the new girls, Lizzie Rovsek and Danielle Gregorio. Vicki is instantly jealous that Lizzie lives in Tamra's neighborhood. According to Tamra, Lizzie is a cross between Gretchen and Alexis – "Grelexis". She does pageants and has big boobs, but hopefully she's less plastic and not filled with hypocrisy.
Vicki invites Shannon to her office so she can get some money-making "feng shui". Vicki thought "fung" shui was "only for Asian people" – just like Ramen Noodles and Everybody Weng Chung Tonight! Boy was she surprised to learn feng shui is also for people with empty love tanks and leakage. Vicki is not only leaking pee, she's also leaking money and needs to fill up her supply closet with plants, photos of herself, and lamps. Apparently it will inspire the dollars to come rolling in… And Brooks too, I presume, because he wants to be shown the money!
Tamra is having Ryan issues. He's basically a loser who was hired to manage CUT Fitness but sucks at it and blames Eddie for all of Tamra's constructive criticism. For instance, Eddie told Ryan not to clean up the front counter. Uh-huh. He's really grown up… #sarcasm. Ryan says he has no goals except growing a sweet beard. He's just living… off Tamra and Bravo.
Heather is planning a hoedown party for the groundbreaking of her new mansion. She wants a mechanical bull and champagne. She's also allowing Terry onion rings, because after all, his nips and tucks are paying for the new mansion. I guess the divorce is canceled – Heather is allowing Terry a yearly dose of fried foods. Why is she doing a hoedown? Why are the theme parties getting dumber and more sorority. Oh is it because the ladies are getting closer and closer to AARP and want to prove they're young and hip?
Next we learn about Lizzie's home life. Her house is more low-key than Heather and Shannon's, because she lives in Tamra's neighborhood which is a lot more low-key than Shannon and Heather's neighborhood. Lizzie and her husband don't spend as much couple time as they'd like because they have too much going on with kids. Lizzie wants hot sex and Christian wants hot meals. I guess Lizzie and Shannon's homes have one thing in common!
Over at Shannon's she's beginning her epic Christmas decoration ritual which includes filling up the elevator with $20,000 worth of Christmas decorations which are Shannon's "one splurge." Dr. Moon charging a $100 a pop isn't a splurge? I guess Shannon also drinks cheap vodka. Sadly Shannon's Christmas spirit does not extend to David as she harps on him for using improper grammar and talking with his mouth full. Who does Shannon think she is – Heather?!
The ladies all meet up to get dinner as orchestrated by Tamra. Vicki immediately sizes Lizzie up. She's too tall. And too booby. And too hot – she doesn't like that one! Things get weirder in the limo. Lizzie and Vicki do not like each other and butt heads instantly. Vicki rudely tells Lizzie she doesn't remember her name. Vicki sniffs that Lizzie isn't a grown-up name. Because "Vicki" is… Tamra tells Lizzie that Vicki has issues with new people. Subtext: Vicki hates any women who are hot or fun.
Lizzie talks about her past as a pageant queen and Vicki is unimpressed. She did important stuff like work, work, work! And pop out babies and micromanage losers while Lizzie was strutting around in a bathing suit. "To me that's not a skill… 'Hi, I've been in a pageant…,'" Vicki snaps. I hope Vicki never comes into contact with Kenya Moore!
Then everyone talks about menopause. Vicki insists she still has her period. Uh huh. Lizzie is grasping desperately for the eject button and notices Shannon's vodka bottle. Now it all makes sense.
Over dinner Shannon and Heather get into a heated argument over, of all things, a chair. They were fighting over who gets to sit next to Vicki. Lizzie wanted no dog in that fight! She was happy to be far, far away from the bereft and menopausal love tank club. Although she got stuck next to Tamra, so…
Here's how it went down. Heather initially took the seat, but Shannon wanted it and asked a couple times. Heather thought Shannon was demanding and vitriolic and had anger in her eyes as she snatched the chair knocking Ms. Dubrow and her Chanel clutch onto the floor. Heather was scared for her life!
When Shannon went to the ladies room, Heather decided she would take her chair back and sat there. "It's my chair," she explained. Shannon returned and got pissy and intimidated Heather into giving her chair back. It was the vitriolic eyes, y'all – just ask David! Then Shannon and Heather bickered for approximately 45 minutes about whose chair was initially and who took it from whom. I'm sure there was grammar correction, thesaurus usage, a consultation with Emily Post, a quick tweet sent to Dear Abby, and a furtive phone call with Dr Moon about what chair angles are best for de-jamming and what position said chair needs to be oriented in for best access to chakras. All I know is that dinner table needed some serious "fung" shui and possibly an aura cleansing. Dr. Moon – party of six!
Shannon decides she does not like that Heather Dubrow. And this friendship is kaput. Now pass the vodka!
Since tensions are running at arctic chill level, Vicki order shots for the table to loosen everyone up. She orders 6, but the waiter messes up and Lizzie doesn't get one. Given her issues with Vicki, Lizzie assumes Vicki did it on purpose. Did she? I don't think so, but Vicki is probably wishing she was that diabolical. Lizzie gets upset and goes to sulk in the ladies room where Tamra tries to explain Lizzie should just read "Dealing With Difficult People" to sort out Vicki. "Insecurities are very loud," Lizzie analyzes.
Heather points out to Vicki that after her "moment" in the limo with Lizzie, she can understand why Lizzie felt the missing shot was intentional. Vicki doesn't think she did anything rude. Vicki gets upset that she thinks everyone is defending Lizzie while villainizing her. Um… cause she sucks? Then everyone talks about Vicki right in front of her like she's a child.
Vicki decides to return to her happy place. Her comfort zone. The place where she finds acceptance no matter what – the office! Especially now that it's all feng shuied and filled with portraits of Vicki. Despite her drunkeness she's gonna work on a PowerPoint for clients. Menopause-schmenopause – Vicki can still act like she's in college!
After that she expects a naked Brooks (GAG!) to be ready and waiting for her in bed. When the other ladies wonder if they can meet Brooks, Vicki says he's too damaged. Tamra whispers to Lizzie, "He's not a good guy." And Lizzie starts to figure out that Vicki, too, is damaged. She was valedictorian of her class of one, after all!
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
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