Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County we were treated to a delightfully classy over-the-hill bachelorette party for one in particular mid-life crisis bride's third wedding.
If that weren't enough Lauri Peterson demonstrated her desperation for relevance by sharing so-called salacious details about Vicki Gunvalson's sex life. I barely made it through last night's episode without throwing up. Thanks for that Bravo.
Things begin with newbie Lydia McLaughlin, in all her wide-eyed optimism, showing up at Tamra Barney's house for some girl talk. Walking into the evil sorceress' cave, Lydia holds her magic fairy dust shield close to her heart and remembers to think positive.
Lydia is just like so impressed and keeps talking about how "classy" and "fancy" Tamra's hostessing is. First of all, the word "classy" and Tamra do not belong in the same sentence.
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Second of all, Tamra had sliced up a block of Costco cheese and poured bottled lemonade into wine glasses. Lydia has low standards. Or she has an agenda. And that agenda is to bridge a peace treaty between Jesus Barbie, beneficent beacon of Splenda and The Bottle Blonde of Doom.
Surprisingly it works and Tamra agrees to meet with Alexis Bellino and try to work out their differences. Whew! I was worried we'd have some sort of RHOC civil war on our hands. I can only imagine how many facelifts would be injured in the process.
Coming up next Gretchen Rossi and Heather Dubrow meet at a bikini store to plan Tamra's top-secret bachelorette party. The party is in Puerto Vallarta or Puerto Vallafarta depending on who is pronouncing it: Heather or Gretchen.
Immediately it becomes apparent that Gretchen and Heather are like an overly-botoxed Blanche Devereaux and Dorothy Zbornak; the younger years! Opposites detract.
Gretchen has visions of penises hanging from the rafters and strippers (is she not getting it enough from Slave?) and Heather imagines quiet dinners on the lanai and an exclusive wine tour. Heather's version of a bachelorette party would be boring even for a Golden Girl.
Then they set to work designing a custom-made "Bride" bikini. Gretchen doesn't even see the point of a bikini bottom (how about dental floss – it's white!) while Heather is leaning towards something with actual coverage that may be appropriate for a person who is, you know, in their forties! This miffs Gretchen. Because in case you didn't know Gretchen is a designer.
Gretchen tells us, without a whit of sarcasm: "I design things. That's my job. I design handbags." AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! No, sweetie – Karl Lagerfeld designs stuff. Or Miuccia Prada. You, Gretchen dear, staple a giant gold medallion on a plastic bucket a Chinese six-year-old laminated together and masquerade it as a purse. We are not fooled.
Anyway, yes Gretchen is a designer and I am a flying trapeze artist. Or Octomom.
Vicki Gunvalson appears on the scene or should I say her hair does. What is going on with her head this season? Is it straw? A Kim Zolciak reject wig that was not olive oiled enough? The remnants of Kim D's Posche Fashion Show extensions? Her hair is generic broke-down barbie doll.
She's meeting Plastilexis for dinner. Alexis breaks the news that Tamra wants to meet to make amends and Alexis is giddy with happiness. Finally people will like her again. Squeee! And she won't have to film all her scenes at Jumping Jiminies Bouncing Jesus Castle. Or with Vicki and Brooks. Ick.
Vicki is for the idea, but warns Lex to bring the mace – or at least the extra strength hairspray just in case. And then tells her about the bachelorette party which she doesn't want to attend because Tamra is weird and Gretchen is atrocious.
Speaking of Gretchen being atrocious; here it comes. Lauri's most sad moment. Two freaks of plastic surgery meet in a horse corral to bad-facelift off and talk shiznit about Vicki. I don't know what stunk more the horse manure, the tale Lauri was spinning, or Lauri's Taylor Jr. Liplant. Girl… just no.
These two were so ridiculous I wanted to reach through the TV and scratch their plastic face masks off. When your skin no longer resembles a human creature, that's a problem!
Lauri and Gretchen, (who have met like twice; once under the unfortunate condition of both being Slave's concubines or at least sex accomplice #GetTested) are now here to discuss the tragic and salacious past of Vicki! The pro gold digger and her fallen apprentice meet again at last.
Among the stories Lauri tells, one is that Vicki once picked up a toothless Greek God and hauled him home to OC where no one – not any neighbors or local authorities – noticed him housed in the garage. Was it the very same garage Slave once inhabited?
Another story was that during an insurance conference Vicki possibly, maybe, perhaps participated in a ménage à trois which Lauri just happened to walk in on! Gretchen is so shocked her plastic face is bubbling and she starts ranting about what a stupid gross biatch hypocrite Vicki is and she soooo cannot wait to call her out.
Couple things: 1) Gretchen can't actress any better than Plastilexis. 2) She sure is high on the moral highground for someone who has a whole slew of porny photos flitting around the net. We've seen allll too much of Gretchen Rossi's lady bits!
Apparently Lauri's motive is not that Georgie Poo is running out of money, which means she is running out of love; nor that Slave was the best she's ever had and she wants to manipulate Gretchen into giving him up – it's that years and years ago VIcki was contacted by a family member of George's who filled her in on all the dirty deets of George's past, which Vicki told other people around town but never Lauri – or thankfully the media!
And since Lauri has never shared this deep, dark secret with anyone she's decided share this intensely personal information with a woman she's met twice whose fiancé she used to screw (nice ring in that scene by the way Wretchen). FAKE and desperate look as aging and sad as Lauri's out-dated Farrah Fawcett hair.
I wanna know where's the proof! Really I do… this could be amazing fascinating after I stop throwing up.
Anyway Gretchen bought the whole thing hook line and sinker and raced home to tell Slave all about how Vicki is paying for veneers for men all over the world while Donn hung out with the Coronas around the pool. Slave didn't mention the time he slept with Vicki for a break in garage rent…
Speaking of fake, apparently Plastilexis is also renting a Rolls. Either that company is as desperate as Lauri or they have deal with Bravo, and she's also meeting up with Tamra for a fauxpology. And what a fauxpology it was! Last week's speech changed her and she is now reborn. Did she get Vaginal Rejuvenation too?
Tamra now recalls what it was like to be bullied and she regrets all the horrible things she's done and said to Alexis and hopes they can start afresh.
You know what me too. And I hope that Tamra was sincere. Whoever invasion of the body snatched the real Tamra, do not return her. I'll take the model with human emotions. Alexis teared up and all seemed well. But then Tamra, proving that underneath it all she's still insecure and a mean girl, demanded Alexis not tell anyone they talked. Alexis is so dumb she agreed to the conditions of the peace treaty instead of sending out a mass tweet with the recording of Tamra admitting she was sorry.
Finally the yahoos head to Mexico. That's the only country that would take them much to Heather's dismay. I'm sure she complained to Bravo that the RHOBH cast got Paris.
Lydia is all frightened about seeing a stripper, and she's also worried about things getting too wild. Boy parts scare our sweet little innocent. I think we need to get her a Judy Blume book. "Are You There God? It's Me…"
Things start off badly because Gretchen has blown all her mortgage money for the month on penis paraphernalia trying to prove to Tamra that SHE is her BFF, but at the airport Vicki whips out a bag of Bachelorette goodies and Gretchen is pissed that she's been one-upped.
Tamra arrives and Vicki festoons her with Bachelorette sash and a penis cup while Gretchen sulks in the corner. In the limo in the airport Gretchen makes sure she gets to sit next to Tamra, then whips out an enormous penis lollypop and says she has to suck on it all weekend.
Unfortunately Vicki does the honors of giving it the first lick. And I think we know why Brooks continues to Hallmark around with Vicki. #penispop.
Lydia is disgusted. These women are supposed to be "pillars of the community," respected and classy. Oh Lydia… no, no, no… see this is a BRAVO show. And these women are more or less the scourge of the community. I'm sorry that Andy Cohen lied to you. Now go do some Turtle Time followed by wine bottle assault or your fired!
In the limo after a few cans of Corona Light, arguments erupt over scheduling. Pillar of the Community No 1 Vicki wants to "whoop it up" at a dance club, while Heather wants to pretend she's actually vacationing in St. Tropez and planned a five-star dinner followed by cocktails on the lanai with a world-renown salsa band.
Vicki must have said whoop it up about 300 times as she insisted she knows all the fun spots. Gretchen was about to stab her with a giant penis when she remembered she hadn't even dropped the big sex reveal and better just shut it.
Everyone arrives in the beautiful hotel and decide to meet up in an hour for dinner at the restaurant Heather chose. And that's when things really started to go badly. First of all, Tamra was confused about whether or not the food was French. It wasn't. Second of all it was so boring and sterile and overly uptight that no one knew how to behave. See these here pillars of the communities only know the proper protocol for Applebees. Lydia tried to order chips and salsa which made Heather's gold start to melt.
Lydia then tries to liven things up with a game of Eddie's sexual favorites or something, but it falls flat. I think Heather asked if Eddie preferred hot tubs or pools she's so starched. Then Gretchen spends approximately 30 minutes whining about how she is afraid of shrimp from Mexico in a loud stage whisper. Heather's face was frozen into that grimmacy smile she does when she is two-seconds away from gouging someone with a Chanel broach but wants to remember her manners to preserve her image. In short her face, very immobile to begin with, starts to crack.
And Vicki, well she just would not shut up about whopping it up. Also she was wearing a wife beater and a bra which lacked support. It may or may not have been a bikini top. #epicfail. You would think fashion designer Gretchen could've helped a girl out!
After a dinner, which everyone but Heather pushed around on their plate because veggies scare them and chicken fingers weren't on the menu, they start to flee.
As Heather and Gretchen go use the ladies room to freshen up before going to bed, Vicki steals Tamra and Lydia away to hit up the dance club circuit. That's when the real Tamra returns to us as she admits Vicki is so much fun and she loves to tear it up!
Lydia is afraid, but after the comatose dinner with odd looking items she needs to make herself vomit so she decides drinking 30 Sex on the Beach cocktails oughtta do the trick. As the three of them "whoop it up" and get wasted, Heather and Gretchen sit in the limo and wait. And wait. And wait. And since they don't like each other and have nothing to say to each other Gretchen complains about Vicki, makes an inappropriate giving oral sex facial and hand gesture, and proceeds to start telling Heather about what she gleaned from Lauri.
Heather rolls her eyes, calls her attorney to get out of her contract and obtain a restraining order against Bravo, and then complains woodenly that they were ditched without so much as a call or a text. Guess that's what you get when your Chanel (or Fredrick's of Hollywood) panties are in an unfun bunch!
Gretchen continues to rant about how much money she spent on penis pops and how pissed she is. So pissed in fact she is about to release a "wrap of furry" (not to be confused with a wrath of fury) on Vicki, that stupid B. Is a Wrath of Furry included in the new Gretchen Christine collection? Cause you know she like designs stuff for a job!
So that was a bust.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – DO YOU BELIEVE LAURI'S ALLEGATIONS ABOUT VICKI? WAS TAMRA SINCERE ABOUT STARTING OVER WITH ALEXIS? BETTER BACHELORETTE PARTY PLANNERS: VICKI OR GRETCHEN & HEATHER?
