Somebody needs to revoke Jax Taylor's Food Handler's card because our pretty male model made a serious faux pas on last night's Vanderpump Rules with ladylove of the minute Laura Leigh!
Everyone's favorite little reincarnated Minnie Mouse whose voice floats and squeaks with aplomb christened SUR with Jax in a little late-night bathroom hooking up. ON THE FLOOR. Of the VIP bathroom. According to the security guard, he walked in and saw Jax and Laura Leigh trousers down, getting busy. He promptly phoned Ken, who promptly called a PR meeting where he informed the flabbergasted Lisa Vanderpump about extracurricular activities in the workplace. Oh dear – what. a. mess. Literally and figuratively.
I have two things to say about this: 1) Does LL seriously want to be thought of as the gross desperate girl who gets busy on a public restroom floor? Even Britney Spears isn't that dirty.
2) Did Lisa seriously let that get featured on television? Image problem is right! And apparently this is a bit of a trend with LL because the next night she and Jax are out to dinner and they slip into the employee bathroom to reenact their magical moment. Where are the police with public indecency citations when we need them?
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So that was gross. Lisa hauls them into her office for a little questioning about what they were doing during their shift. They were serving drinks, and food, and taking orders… '…And having sex in the bathroom,' Lisa prompts? They deny it – adamantly – and then Jax stupidly admits it accidentally when LL has left the office with a stern warning. Laura Leigh is never allowed to serve me food.
And Jax, well, I am just genuinely concerned for his mental well-being. Here's why: he's gone from serial killer Stassi Schroeder to reincarnated Minnie Mouse stage 5 clinger, LL. He sure knows how to pick 'em. Maybe this is an elaborate ruse for LL to become the next Lifetime Movie queen. She scares me. And she also scares Jax. As she waxes romantic about how makes her feel whole, like a woman reborn – he swallows thickly and plots his escape. I think LL would be better suited for The Bachelor.
And speaking of crazy, yes Stassi was in last night's episode. Oh this girl. Since everyone at SUR now hates her and Kristen Doute has vowed to take her down, she's resorted to a friendship of necessity with Scheana Marie Famewhore. Now, either Scheana is the dumbest thing on television, a complete suck-up, or she just knows how to keep her friends close and her enemies closer, I don't know.
Stassi is on shift, Scheana is almost on shift and they're sitting around in the dining room eating and chatting. Professionalism! Two weeks ago Stassi was ruining Scheana's life and threatening to run her over with a parade float, now she's feeding her over the table & whispering sweet nothings.
Peter Madrigal breaks up the romantic dinner to remind them that they're kinda like AT. WORK. And Stassi is neglecting her tables. "But I'm staaaaaarving," she whines. "You only drink the blood of humans," Peter retorts. "Stop pretending like you really eat salad. Back to work or I'm telling Lisa."
Kristen, who nagged Peter into confronting them, stands in the corner smirking. Stassi is pissed. She gets revenge by cozying up to that other brown-haired Tom dater Katie Maloney. She tells Katie to come over, bring wine, and beg for forgiveness. Katie complies. Stassi cries about losing her best friend because of Frank and insists she just wanted everyone to support her. Katie falls for it. Stassi sticks a pin in her voodoo doll and checks another life ruined off her list.
After spin class where Kristen's tears mingle with her sweat so no one can tell she's crying, she admits to Katie she's jealous and hurt that Stassi isn't trying to rekindle their friendship. Katie shrugs, and swells with pride. 'I'm Stassi's BFF,' she thinks. 'I'm number one!'
There are more issues of course. Frank, Stassi's of-the-moment Jax jealousy toy, has gotten hoity-toity with customers and now there's trouble. The night before customers ordered double vodka martinis, so Frank charged them twice for each drink. When the girlfriend of a customer asked about the tab, he flipped out and threatened to pull the guys underwear over his head and embarrass him. This is known as an atomic melvin. Or 6th grade boy playground behavior.
The recipient of atomic melvin threats, threw a beer at Frank and demanded to see the manager. The manager, not Peter, sent Frank home and he was suspended until Lisa had her way with him. And in Lisa's world bathroom sex, tolerable. Insulting customers, intolerable.
So Frank, on his way to a drunken and embarrassing lunch to meet Stassi's parents in his Toyota convertible, has to swing by SUR to pretend apologize and beg Lisa's forgiveness. Except Frank read the script wrong and defends his actions and claims the guy deserved it.
Apparently this isn't the first time Frank has been out of order, he once insulted Kyle Richards when she was dining at SUR. Lisa was miffed. I would have thought it proof of Frank's good judge of character. Except, well he is dating Stassi and he is a complete Jersey Shore wannabe Douche. Ew.
Frank is fired. Frank comes outside and tells Stassi his plan worked out and he got fired just like he was trying to. Huh? Apparently jobs take up too much time when you're a famewhore looking for relevance. Stassi is unimpressed. Now she has exactly ZERO allies at SUR. Time to get back together with Jax again. Le sigh.
They proceed onward to lunch with Stassi's parents which it turns out is the high-point of their relationship. Stassi's parents, already wasted, love Frank. He's a republican! He sasses Stassi! He's not Jax! He hated SUR and couldn't wait to get out of there to find a real job! He sucks up royally! He laughs at all their stories about what a loser their daughter was until they sent her to fat camp and got her a chinplant.
Oh yeah, Stassi used to be a loser. She was goth. She came home from high school everyday and ate homemade bread from the inside out (ate the middle and then the crust) – that's so Hannibal Lecter. Even worse, she died her hair black and was *gasp* fat! Her dad straightened her out and got her some plastic surgery and a star was born. Or at least a blonde, entitled wannabe princess bitch was. Too bad she squandered all that shilling overpriced martinis and dating losers.
So that was that! Stassi's parents explain A. LOT. about her.
After that lunch, Frank and Stassi (who were apparently referred to as "Stank" – good one!) break-up. She's too self-involved and demanding for him. He was only into her for the brownie points at SUR and the camera time, but being her assistant and at her beck and call every minute while she whines and berates him wasn't worth it. She throws a temper tantrum and calls him a coward. He doesn't take the bait. They're both too entitled for each other – and dumb.
Stassi, tries all her Sweet Valley High hold a man hostage tricks and fails. She puts on the Brenda Walsh antics and Frank decides he'd rather walk home than be stuck at her apartment while she forces him to declare his undying love to her parents. Stassi whines that she's going to end up alone. And she probably will… unless she settles for Jax-y.
And that's the end of Stank! Now for the resurgence of Stax. Next week, they experience a rebirth and we all roll our eyes.
TELL US – DID FRANK DESERVE TO BE FIRED? SHOULD JAX AND LAURA LEIGH HAVE BEEN FIRED?
