Taylor Swift is back with another album that will undoubtedly do ridiculous numbers across all streaming services. In the midst of a world tour, celebrating all of her work to-date, Taylor’s now adding another 16 tracks to her catalog, ready for DJ James Kennedy to remix at Coachella 2025. Then we got to thinking, which Bravo stars would be best matched to each of the new songs? Stick with us here, because this could be fun…
1. Fortnight – Annemarie Wiley
After being fired from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills following just half a season’s worth of work, Annemarie takes the first track. Why? Because it felt like she showed up to film for a fortnight, never to be seen again. After some of her recent behavior, it’s probably for the best that she doesn’t return to reality TV. She’s made some HUGE mistakes.
2. The Tortured Poets Department – Tom Sandoval
While I’m positive Sandoval will see this as him being the face of the album – it is named after this track, after all – he’s being put in this spot simply because he really does seem to think he’s a master of music. A poet, so to speak. Whether or not you agree with that sentiment is your prerogative. But I’m a fan of irony, which is exactly why I’ve placed him here.
3. My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys – Ally Lewber
James Kennedy used to be extremely volatile. Now, less so. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still activated easily. But his time with Ally really seems to have calmed him down, and improved his behavior. I’m not sure we’ll ever be able to describe James as “mellow,” but he’s certainly headed in the right direction. God bless Ally Bally, because nobody else could tame the Brit.
4. Down Bad – Rachel Leviss
Honestly, there have been times over the past 12 months that I have been rooting for Rachel. She was absolutely a victim as well as an offender in all of the mess that went down following Pump Rules Season 10. But her recent mistake of asking Jo Wenberg to post a nasty Instagram Stories post about Katie Maloney and Dayna Kathan rubbed me the wrong way. Sure, Rachel has apologized. But perhaps it’s now time for her to step away from the VPR conversation altogether.
5. So Long, London – Caroline Stanbury
This one speaks for itself. Originally a cast member on the shelved series, Ladies of London, Caroline now enjoys a full-time role on The Real Housewives of Dubai. She waved goodbye to the English capital in 2016, after marrying her ex-husband Cem Habib. They divorced in 2019, before Caroline moved on with Spanish footballer, Sergio Carrallo. The pair married in 2021.
6. But Daddy I Love Him – Brittany Cartwright
Jax Taylor has had some run-ins with Brittany’s father during their time on Pump Rules. But, Brittany ended up walking down the aisle with Jax anyway. The two now share a child, but are currently going through the roughest portion of their marriage to-date. At the time of writing, they’re separated. And while many of us are rooting for them to get back together, judging by the behavior displayed by Jax on The Valley, that might not be healthy. Not unless he changes.
7. Fresh Out the Slammer – Jen Shah
She might not quite be out of the slammer just yet, but former Real Housewives of Salt Lake City star Jen seems like a good fit here. Maybe she’ll jam to some T-Swift when she does eventually get released? I did consider putting Teresa Giudice here, but her prison stretch feels like a lifetime ago at this point. She’s moved on with her new man, so blessings to her. Then again, it looks like she’s going to be revisiting her time behind bars if the new season’s trailer is anything to by, in a confrontation with John Fuda…
8. Florida!!! – Marysol Patton
This song title is giving a good time. And who knows how to have a good time in Florida better than Marysol? So long as she’s got her cockies in hand, she’s ready to tear it up.
9. Guilty as Sin? – Monica Garcia
Monica was guilty of a lot of things when it came to Reality Von Tease. But, the accusation that Monica trolled the entire RHOSLC cast? It just didn’t fit, which is why I’m assigned her here. The account really did seem solely dedicated to taking Jen Shah down. And while Monica said the others were “collateral damage,” that comment felt like it was for effect. All she did was amplify what Jen had said about the women, to expose how nasty Jen had been.
10. Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me? – Lala Kent
The smiling assassin! Lala is an incredible reality TV character. She even performs outside of Vanderpump Rules, doing things like unfollowing her costars on Instagram, and then saying she did it because she wanted her numbers to look prettier under the amount of people following her, and the amount of people she’s following. A hilarious excuse, and one she’s standing by. Who could be afraid of little old Lala?
11. I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can) – Tom Schwartz
Schwartz is somebody who cannot quit Tom Sandoval. He’s forever making excuses for his friend, no matter what sort of behavior Sandoval gets up to. With the pair in business, it probably makes sense to do that. But when it comes to their appearances on Bravo, it often becomes incredibly grating. Scandoval dragged both of the Toms into the pits of public opinion, and Schwartz seems doomed to stay there.
12. Loml – Preston Mitchum
Having recently announced his engagement, I had to give this one to the Summer House: Martha’s Vineyard star! Preston is one of the wisest people on Bravo. The way he talked about how queer men need their safe spaces in a recent episode of Martha’s Vineyard Season 2 spoke to my very soul. He’s somebody who deserves the platform he has been given. The true loml. Platonically, of course.
13. I Can Do It With a Broken Heart – Ariana Madix
Ariana might just be the best example anyone’s ever had of a woman with a broken heart making good out of a terrible situation. Aside from Taylor herself, of course. Ariana brushed off Scandoval, and made sure to make a success out of all the publicity that came her way. From Dancing with the Stars to picking up the Love Island USA hosting gig, she’s booked and busy. And that’s something to be celebrated, by the way. We’re all over the trolls mad at Ariana for her success. Get over it. She stays winning.
14. The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived – Joe Gorga
Let me preface this by saying, I love a short king. Joey, I’m only busting your balls because I know you can take it. You live for the banter; it’s clear in your interactions with the other RHONJ men. And let’s face it; what you’re missing in height, you make up for in brawn. Melissa Gorga might be taller than you when she’s wearing her heels, but you’re still able to pick her up. That counts for something! (Frank Catania, don’t use this against our boy!)
15. The Alchemy – Carlton Gebbia
As a self-proclaimed “witch,” Carlton seems like the perfect fit for a song about alchemy. Always in touch with her spiritual side, Carlton remains to this day a firm favorite, despite only being on RHOBH for a single season. When talking about one-and-done Real Housewives stars who deserve another chance, Carlton often makes her way onto the list.
16. Clara Bow – Brynn Whitfield
If anybody gives Clara Bow energy, it’s Brynn! She’s just as vivacious as the 1920s star, and I’d wager Brynn would have done pretty well in Hollywood if she was of the same era. Hell, she might even do well in Hollywood today if she’s got any acting chops. If Brynn rises to superstardom as a major box office attraction, just remember, you heard it here first.
Taylor Swift’s new album, The Tortured Poets Department, is streaming now.
TELL US – ARE THE MATCHES ACCURATE? HAVE YOU LISTENED TO TAYLOR’S NEW ALBUM?
