Last night the Real Housewives Of Dallas headed to Thailand where no amount of Buddhism, zen, or Xanax could mellow out their animosity towards each other.
Truthfully by the exemplary behavior of Stephanie Hollman and Kameron Westcott you’d never know they were ‘surface’ friends! On the 20-something hour travel day Kameron did it up right by handing out gold face masks and Xanax. Therefore no one even remembers being transported to the Thai future on Kameron’s magic pills. I really need to see this adventure animated in technicolor interspersed with the Baby Elephant song as sung by Steve Miller, with the Real Housewives Of Dallas as cult-y back-up singers for the chorus. I imagine it like Like Indiana Jones meets Scooby Doo meets Kameron’s Amazing Technicolor Dream Pajamas.
Everyone was on this wonderland trip except for D’Andra Simmons. She got drug-defying hot flashes as penance for mocking Mama Dee‘s age. And also took a flight sans underwear. BAARF.
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At some point in the future-past-tense, everyone wakes up to an amazing breakfast of Pad Thai and literally every other food imaginable. The plan for the day is touring temples and shopping, but Kameron really wants to venture into the Red Light District. Red is a variation of pink, after all! Last time Kameron was in Thailand, Court banned her from anything as unladylike as sex. But, now that she’s out of Daddy-Husband’s control and can act on her fantasies.
Kam isn’t totally abandoning herself, though, she’s of course also worried about upholding the decorum of Thailand. The Klass Police did not get left in the past! Basically, all the things Real Housewives of Dallas do in their native states are banned here and could land them in Thai jail, where they’ll be stripped of makeup and underwire bras, and forced to perform Madonna songs for use of the bathroom bucket (see Bridget Jones: The Edge Of Reason). So don’t talk about people or start arguments in public, gals!
D’Andra and LeeAnne Locken predict that Kary Brittingham and LeeAnne will be most likely to end up imprisoned. Although D’Andra might be projecting, because she reveals to Kary that she secretly bought one of LeeAnne’s L’Infinity dresses. D’Andra even had it sent to a PO Box so LeeAnne wouldn’t know it was her buying it and be clued in that something was up. So LeeAnne has like stacks of these flimsy polyester dresses in her garage and is taking them to FedEx herself?
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Anyway D’Andra plans to surprise LeeAnne by showing up to dinner wearing the dress. Now we all know, good and well, D’Andra was doing this to be an asshole. Not that LeeAnne doesn’t deserve it after all the shit she’s done to the other women on this show (showing up at Stephanie’s Halloween party dressed as “Two-Face’ aka Stephanie, for instance), but D’Andra pretending this was just a harmless prank is ridiculous. She also knows LeeAnne will not find this funny.
Before all that, though, the ladies women meet their temple tour guide, who looks like a Thai Elvis impersonator. Instead of enjoying herself and embracing the zen, LeeAnne spends the entire time fixated on whether or not Kary is taking off her hat at the right moments and reminding her – repeatedly – of the customs. Kary doesn’t know why LeeAnne cares, and I agree. Why is LeeAnne choosing to make this her personal crusade and then trying to say Kary is ruining her experience? Leave Kary be and there won’t be a problem.
After the temple it’s time for shopping and fortune telling. Stephanie is informed that she will not get murdered, which is why she’s the one who chased after LeeAnne in the restaurant later. Stephanie had bonafide ‘proof’ she would live to old age and not die a tragic early death. The others – not so much! Especially D’Andra.
I personally think LeeAnne bribed this fortune teller to inform D’Andra that she drinks and talks too much and if she doesn’t stop both she’ll wind up getting an operation. LeeAnne also decides Kary should assume the role of D’Andra’s ‘moderator’ to make sure she controls her alcohol consumption, which annoys Kary: she’ s here to vacation, not work. Kary snaps at LeeAnne to leave her alone and ladies and gentleman we are officially entering a Housewives Hellfire. Grab your hydrating and cooling coconut water – you’re gonna need it!
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As they’re walking away Kary vents to Kameron about LeeAnne. They all pair off into Tuk Tuks to drive to lunch. Kary winds up with D’Andra and complains about LeeAnne being negative and bossy. LeeAnne rides with Kameron, who informs her that Kary is upset about the hat. LeeAnne turns that into a tirade about how she should just “speak Mexican” from now on if she wants Kary to understand her. WOW. LeeAnne continuously makes these comments throughout the day – to Brandi Redmond, to Kameron, to us in her confessionals and not one person reminds her that mocking Kary’s ethnicity is NOT COOL.
LeeAnne also decides Kary sees LeeAnne as “the alpha” and wants to take her out by turning Kameron against her. And D’Andra’s the one that needs a babysitter??? Well, D’Andra does need a babysitter, but so does LeeAnne. Mama Dee — save us!
By the time they make it back to the hotel (with a stop for pad Thai at some streetcars which only Kary and D’Andra eat), everyone is on edge. Are they hangry perhaps.
And then it’s time for the L’Infinity Jab. Kary didn’t think D’Andra was serious about wearing the dress, but she very much was, so it’s Kary’s job as D’Andra’s roommate to help her into it. While Brandi and Stephanie are relaxing with a glass of wine to discuss the situation with Bruin’s birth mom (yes, the new baby has the same parents), Kary and D’Andra are trying to navigate a dress that needs it’s own YouTube tutorial.
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OK as mean as the dress stunt was, it was also hilarious. Hilarious in the ensuing melee of D’Andra and Kary trying to figure out snaps and failing, and that the dress is more complicated to put together than Ikea furniture. I’m also concerned that with D’Andra’s limited budget she spent her meager resources to prank LeeAnne, but I guess it is a tax write-off!
It takes so long to figure out that a sleeve is not a cape, and the weird polyester dust ruffle affixed to the bottom was not meant to go somewhere else that they’re late for dinner. Timing was about the only element of the so-called ‘joke’ they got right! As D’Andra walks in LeeAnne’s face clouds over. Kameron initially thinks D’Andra actually wore this dress to be nice and thought it was a wonderful gesture, but D’Andra and Kary immediately start in on how impossible the dress was to put on and how flimsy and faulty all the elements are. They will NOT let up. They mention it over and over again, while LeeAnne gets quieter and angrier by the second. It was juvenile mean girl behavior and eventually even Kameron is clued in that the intent was not to make LeeAnne laugh, but to mock her.
Well Kary kind of confirmed that when she admitted that D’Andra bought the dress as a joke. D’Andra was forced to admit it, but tried to cover it up by insisting there were no plans to make fun of the dress. Just like they were just trying to educate LeeAnne about how she could improve her product, right…
Finally Brandi interjects that they need to stop making fun of LeeAnne. She is quickly rallied around by Kam and Stephanie. Good for Brandi for calling out what this was and for being the first one to put her foot down. And good for LeeAnne for leaving the table instead of starting a big fight, but that’s where the positives in LeeAnne’s behavior end.
Stephanie follows LeeAnne into the lobby to try and calm her down but LeeAnne is off the rails and on a crazy train (that train is red and snaps to the bottom of a bad prom dress that bunches around your Spanx).
Interestingly LeeAnne blames the entire incident on Kary. She rants to Stephanie (amid slapping herself in the face) that Kary is pretending that she’s all “Mexican and strong” when that Mexican hasn’t survived shit. LeeAnne definitely used Mexican as a pejorative in the worst and most demeaning way. Stephanie, knowing she won’t be murdered tonight takes it upon herself to LeeAnne sit down, but she’s not brave enough to confront LeeAnne about her inappropriate comments. At least not yet.
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LeeAnne bursts into tears about how everyone is so mean to her by locking her in the funhouse and her trauma is snapped to her soul tighter than a L’Infinity skirt, and that trauma is worn 175 different ways to illustrate that it is always there. Seriously someone needed to turn those L’Infinity sleeves into a straight jacket!
Meanwhile back at the table Brandi is the one who became the moderator, but Kary was not having it. She doesn’t feel bad for LeeAnne because all day LeeAnne was jabbing at her mercilessly and no one said a word. Kary is tired of LeeAnne directing negativity at her and getting away with it, then playing victim. Kary storms away from the table leaving Brandi speechless.
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The bottom line is that Kary and D’Andra were out of line with the dress nonsense. It was not a joke – they were mocking LeeAnne and took it way too far. Then instead of apologizing, they doubled-down by pretending they were trying to help. Brandi was right to call them out. However, LeeAnne was making racist-leaning comments about Kary all day – way before anything with the dress happened. That was deplorable and seriously appalling.
Well, at least if D’Andra goes to prison for inciting a fight, she’ll be able to use that L’Infinity dress in a multitude of ways: as toilet paper, an escape ladder, a water filter, an extra blanket, a sun shield, an SOS flag, a hair tie, underwear, a privacy screen, ribbons for her ribbon dance routine in the prison talent show, a food wrap…
TELL US – TEAM KANDRA OR TEAM LEEANNE? OR ARE THERE NO WINNERS HERE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
