There has NEVER been an episode of Real Housewives Of Atlanta where all the women were rocking their natural hair. As you recall Kim Zolciak has worn wigs since Season 1, and it ushered in a wigstravaganza of no real hair shall be seen for fear of frayed edges exposed. But, last night NeNe Leakes broke that mold by hosting a “Wig Free Party” and expected everyone to come dressed accordingly.
I really didn’t understand the purpose of this party other than to shame everyone about their natural hair, or to expose their messy split ends. But no wigs it is!
Before the No Wigs fete, Eva Marcille met with her wedding planner to complain about being $50k over budget. Then, she dropped the bomb that they’re also moving back into the city of Atlanta for Mike Sterling’s political career. The wedding planner, needless to say, just realized she’d be doing everything and not getting paid any extra.
Across town, Kandi Burruss is auditioning dancers for her Welcome To The Dungeon variety show. After the professionals there is a surprise solo act – it’s Fifty Cyn, ready to bring it all the way back to original sin. Cynthia wants Kandi’s show to represent all ages of sexuality by having a “madame” character and she is just the middle-aged mama to volunteer. Unfortunately when Cynthia demonstrates her grind on Kandi, she has about as much rhythm as sandpaper. Tragic.
So back to the wigs, or lack thereof. NeNe hopped in a time machine, snatched the wig of Season 3 NeNe and plopped that Clorox Cap on her modern-day face. Even the lemon meringue pie colored dye job remained the same! But here’s what’s different: Nu-NeNe is dealing with Gregg’s cancer.
After his colon reconstruction surgery, Gregg was released from the hospital early. Which means that in order to get away from him NeNe had to start hanging out in Swagg Boutique with her friend NoOneWanna. Actually, it was that woman Yovanna who came to the boobs and bourbon party screaming at Eva. Why is she back? The first time she was a total and ridiculous dud. I had forgotten she was even a ‘Friend Of…’ wannabe.
Yovanna is apparently the only person NeNe is friendly with who will admit to wearing the knockoffs at Swagg. After Yovanna decides to buy a coat made out of deceased muppets, NeNe invites her to the No Wig party. NeNe tells her that she should apologize to Eva. Yovanna refuses, but deigns to offer a blanket apology to the group for being drunk and unruly.
The day before the party Gregg was readmitted to the hospital with a blood clot. BUT the party must go on. After all, NeNe got her edges installed for this shindig! With Gregg in the hospital, NeNe went to the store to shop. Meanwhile, Gregg fretted about NeNe’s well-being and texted Cynthia and Marlo Hampton that NeNe was “at her breaking point” and asked them to check on her. Marlo, being a good friend (did I just type that?!), was literally at the hairdresser’s, hopped out of the chair and sped across town to NeNe’s house, only to be ignored and rebuffed because NeNe first wasn’t home, and then didn’t want company. Sounds to me that NeNe was mostly pissed that she got caught shopping instead of being the caring spouse.
Marlo was understandably annoyed that she had just risked the lives of everyone on Atlanta’s highways – and her own hair – to console NeNe only to be turned away. She called her out. Now NeNe is furious that while she is going through all of this, she has to add arguing with Marlo to her list! Um, and what about Gregg?!
Just before the party starts NeNe calls Cynthia to tell her that none of the other women know about Gregg. She’s going to announce it at the party. To ruin everyone’s good time? NeNe claims Gregg wanted to her still have the party. Even if he said that, postpone!
For some odd reason, NeNe hired a crooner – an old man in a white zoot suit stationed at the entryway – to serenade guests. NeNe throws the worst and weirdest parties. I mean, first of all, they always seem ill-conceived and tacky. Then the decorating, the food… something is always off and not planned out. In this case, the food is bizarre – crab legs? – and laid out on her island in chafing dishes alongside chips and dip. Then her party planner(?) Sam looks like he rolled out of bed to go to the gym. He’s apparently Gregg’s friend? So instead of being by Gregg’s side in the hospital, he’s opening the door for NeNe’s wig-less guests.
Then as the women are about to arrive NeNe dances upstairs to get dressed and instructs Sam to open the door. I was just hoping and praying that this would be the moment of Kenya Moore‘s surprise return. Or Kim’s! Since Kenya claims to only wear her real hair that would be perfect. Alas, no surprises except how genuinely good these ladies look with natural hair. SO much better!
Kandi arrives first, per the usual, to get first dibs on the food, and then is met by Tanya Sam and Eva. Tanya is jealous that Cynthia scored the spot as madame in the dungeon show and decides she too can play that role. So right then and there she starts dry humping Kandi and barking at her. I guess it worked? Shamari DeVoe obviously planned ahead by bringing not one but TWO designated drivers who can find their way all the way to back to Decatur. She did not, of course, inform NeNe of the surprise guests.
Cynthia borrowed Snoop Dogg’s ponytails to wear with a bathrobe (wrong event lady – the dungeon show is next week). And, finally, NeNe comes down in her yellow Lego hair – why does it look so plastic and inauthentic? – with boots to match. All the women are shocked to learn about Gregg … and curious about why they are sitting here when NeNe should be WIGGING out at the hospital. Eva throws some shade that she can’t believe how NeNe is able to keep her head in the party game, with all she is going through. If it were Mike, Eva wouldn’t be able to refrain herself from being at the hospital!
Not here for NeNe’s big announcement are Marlo and Porsha Williams. Porsha is late because she’s pregnant and THAT, according to Ms. Leakes, is no excuse when single mothers are able to get to social egamagments on time even while working 2 or 3 jobs. Um, how many times was NeNe late in Japan?! Pot meet kettle…
Even Porsha’s engagement ring reveal couldn’t brighten NeNe’s shade!
Marlo arrives last, wearing a giant Gucci belt and carrying an even bigger tote bag. Probably so no one notices her scraggly and rough looking hair! NeNe immediately launches into Marlo about the drama from yesterday. She starts calling Marlo a bitch and accuses her of trying to start arguments when NeNe is so stressed. As Marlo whips out Gregg’s texts to read aloud and defend herself, NeNe bursts into hysterical tears. Literally, every woman leaps up from her seat to rub NeNe’s back and console her. Except for Shamari who was too busy snuggling with her cocktail(s).
In the middle of all this BRENT – NeNe’s son – overhears all the wailing and comes downstairs to help contain NeNe. Then he has to stop Marlo from leaving the party by consoling her about her fight with NeNe. Brent is the new Gregg apparently.
Um, I don’t know about you but I saw no tears from NeNe. After once again making a trek across town for a sister in need, only to be given the metaphorical slap in the face, Marlo was pretty gracious. After all the hysteria, NeNe was brought to reality by Kandi mentioning that her eyelashes were off. For the other women, the fun only starts after NeNe retreats upstairs to get herself tougher and have a heart-to-heart with Marlo.
Meanwhile, Shamari consumed so many drinks her alterego “Hoekondo” came out to rub Tanya’s crotch, lift her leg high to expose the power of the super vag, and then puke allllll over Eva’s shoes and dress. Oops. As Shamari’s friends carry her out, Tanya cleans up the bathroom, then she and Eva go upstairs to borrow a dress from NeNe. After waiting around downstairs, being ignored, Kandi and Porsha decide this party is on it’s last wisp of hair. They go upstairs to say goodbye to NeNe and that is where the wigging out resumes.
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After finally getting into NeNe’s house, Kandi wants to see this infamous closet NeNe has been bragging about for years. Porsha is also curious, considering all she’s heard about the fabled Ms. Leakes’ fashion emporium, but NeNe is adamant that she does not want them to go inside. They do anyway, of course! So Queen NeNe sends her lackey Cynthia in to fish them out; prompting the camera man to follow. All of the sudden NeNe, like The Flash with that yellow hair, is off the sofa, and yanking the cameraman’s shirt, pulling him out of the closet hallway and screaming at him. In the process, Porsha gets knocked. We have to wait until next week to see the conclusion!
Um, what is in that closet? Short-haired Wigs?! The dead body of her hair dresser?! A shrine to Kim Z?! Kim Z wigs?! Roaches?! I mean seriously what is NeNe so afraid of people seeing in her closet?! Maybe Gregg didn’t really go to the hospital and is just hiding out in the closet, eating bonbons and wearing a Kim Z wig?!
TELL US – WHAT, OR WHO, WAS NENE HIDING IN THE CLOSET?
[Photo Credits: Annette Brown/Bravo & BravoTv]
