Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey, we were reminded of why Danielle Staub is basically the worst – and that she’s truly in her element while on stage with men gyrating all over her. Since that’s exactly what the ladies served up for her bachelorette party, we got to see the many faces of Danielle go from full on rage to frightening glee all within a 30 minute timeframe. Even though Margaret Josephs was the ambassador of Danielle’s dreams, all she had to show for it at the end of the episode was a huge party planning bill and a chewing out.
Margaret was also put in charge of buying penis straws and dildos for Danielle’s big night. So we find her in the store looking for the “classy” items Danielle would approve of. Ahh…’twill be a night to remember! They shall celebrate Danielle’s last night of freedom in style before her marriage to Marty Caffrey, which will last approximately 4 seconds before restraining orders and divorce papers are filed. But who’s counting?
While Margaret throws XXX-rated items in her bag, Teresa Giudice pops by the store to discuss Jackie Goldschneider. Tre’s problem? Well, Jackie has a backbone, isn’t afraid of Teresa, and speaks the truth. FULL STOP.
Meanwhile, Joey Jr. is out shopping for his first communion suit and talking about how “hot” his future wife will be. Nice. Melissa Gorga talks to Joe Gorga about her father never having met their kids, something that still pains her. At least she’s got Joey Jr. as a reminder of better times – you know, like that christening where everyone lost their sh*t and tables were nearly flipped? Oh wait, never mind! Melissa doesn’t want to go back to those days, so she encourages Joe to make up with Teresa. As long as she doesn’t bring sprinkle cookies to Sunday dinner.
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Dolores Catania and her mom are out drinking smoothies and talking about Frank Catania coming home soon. As a reminder, “home” is where these two exes live together as a full-blown couple on the 6 out of 7 nights that Dolores’s boyfriend can’t come over. Dolores’s mom thinks her daughter needs to move the eff on. In order to do that, she needs to cut the cord with Frank. Nah! Dolores prefers letting Frank hang pictures, fix sinks, and eat TV dinners with her on the reg instead.
Until he comes home, at least Dolores has Frankie Jr., who’s training for the same bodybuilding contest as Teresa. Dolores is thrown for a loop when Frankie Jr. spills the beans about Frank Sr. telling HIM about the disbarment when it happened. Yet he never told Dolores?!? She has only one word for him now: Scumbag.
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So they can practice adulting outside of their FAMILY circle, Melissa and Joe stop by Jackie and Evan Goldschneider’s home for Saturday night drinks and dinner. Jackie was never close to her older sister, always fighting with her growing up and now remaining estranged as adults. This is music to Melissa’s ears because two f**ked up families are always better than one! Plus, Jackie is angling to be Melissa’s new sidekick, which is a major upgrade to Teresa’s new sidekick of Jennifer Aydin aka poor man’s Peggy Sulahian, aka Shahs of Sunset reject aka insufferable braggart.
At Danielle’s home later, her bridesmaids – Teresa, Melissa, and Margaret – assemble to plan Danielle’s last night of freedom before her wedding/divorce/restraining order take place. Danielle has demands: expensive venue, expensive gifts, and expensive entertainment.
She also has complaints! No one came with her for her dress fitting or alterations, which left her feeling all alone in the strip mall. “I want people to pay attention to ME! When do I get to feel like THE BRIDE?!?” she screams at Margaret, who can’t take Danielle’s bridezilla nonsense anymore, and tells her so in no uncertain terms.
“You’re a f**king bridezilla and you’re being an asshole!” Margaret chides before storming off. Danielle goes after her, but Margaret has been pushed too far. Danielle needs to rein it in and, the manipulator that she is, knows that tears will do the trick to bring Margaret back in. She cries on cue. “My expectations are too much sometimes,” Danielle cries to the others. She promises to act more like a real, live human in the future. But don’t count on it.
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Over at Jennifer’s house, she’s leaving voicemails for hubby Bill Aydin and trying to convince her five children to play sports for Amazon Prime bribes. “I don’t play basketball, I’m trying to be a princess!” whines Jen’s daughter. Jennifer doesn’t care if her children are spoiled because – you guys – she’s not like regular moms. She’s a COOL mom.
Back at Casa Catania, Dolores confronts Frank about the disbarment issue. Frank says it had nothing to do with respect. He just knew she would take it hardest, so she was last on the list to find out. Dolores threatens Frank not to do that ever again, but he literally could not care less. He’s got ever-increasing neck girth to worry about! He’s got shady house flipping businesses to pretend to run! “I have two men in my life and I’ve never felt more alone,” sighs Dolores, rejected.
Now we whip back around to Jackie’s house where pita bread is being carried to and fro in preparation for Jackie’s father, Barry Mark, her mother, brother Eric, who are coming over. Jackie tells us her parents are married, but live separately…which is like the Upside Down of Dolores and Frank.
Her brother has a learning disability, which held him back a year in school, placing him in the same class as Jackie. She’s been his “twin” ever since and his fierce defender. Family dinner is sweet and fun, and sort of makes me love Jackie even more. The kids say thank you? The parents laugh their butts off at each other, yet stay civil? This is good stuff.
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In the kitchen, Jackie talks to her mom about reconciling with her sister. Her mother, who lost so many family members in the Holocaust, wants nothing more than her daughters speaking again. Family matters. Jackie thinks it’s time to make amends.
At “Danielle’s Roaring Bachelorette Party,” Margaret looks around the room and is pleased with her event planner’s work. Whatever she paid for this shindig will be worth it as long as Danielle thinks it’s “expensive.” Teresa also classes up the joint by announcing “I don’t have any underwears on!” when she walks in, so there’s that. Danielle’s daughter, Christine Staub, also makes an appearance (and looks so grown up!). But um…will she be watching the festivities? Yikes.
After descending on the stage via a slowly-lowered-ring, Danielle eats up the attention like the thirsty girl she is. But she’s not feeling 100% excited about the actual wedding. “There’s peaks and valleys…” she trails off, explaining to Melissa how her relationship with Marty is basically a hot, steaming pile of poo.
Oh well! Release the strippers!
Danielle revels in the undivided attention of men with velcro pants as they straddle her face and do the splits. Who cares about Marty?!? This is the important stuff. Also important: A side convo between Danielle and Teresa in which they discuss Jackie’s new treacherous loyalty to Melissa. Danielle swears her allegiance to Teresa, which gives Tre one more soldier for the season. Alright. Let the battle begin!
RELATED: Real Housewives Of New Jersey Cast Member Jennifer Aydin Says It’s “Totally Unreasonable” That Danielle Staub Doesn’t Want Margaret Josephs Hanging Out With Dolores Catania
TELL US: IS DANIELLE A BRIDEZILLA? WHEN WILL MARGARET HAVE ENOUGH OF DANIELLE’S DEMANDS? WHOSE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY ARMY ARE YOU BETTING ON – TERESA’S OR MELISSA’S?
[Photo Credit: Bravo]
