Hello Darcey. Hello Daughters. It is illusion. Dat I’m da Fodder. So the time’s come. Dat we end this. Now go home and cut your damn steak. On da bias.
Welcome to Camp Crazy! What the actual f**k did we witness on 90 Day Fiance: Before The 90 Days last night? What a swirling toilet bowl of drama this show is – and there’s no climbing out now. This week, there was beach-side rapping, a dramatic near death experience in four feet of water (!!), a hateful break up in an Uber, jacked up proposals galore, and – sadly – tragic news for Paul and Karine.
We’ll start with the sad stuff, which really did break my little black heart last night. Paul and Karine face some awful news about her pregnancy, but before they do, at least they make up for the sake of the child, and their marriage. Siri is the helpful third party in their discussion, of course, but their happiness doesn’t last long before tragedy strikes.
Soon after Karine finds out she’s pregnant, we cut to Paul, Karine, and her mother racing to a local hospital after getting abnormal results from an early ultrasound. It’s not good news. Karine’s baby, who is nine weeks along, has stopped getting nutrients through the umbilical cord, and the pregnancy is not viable. As the doctor tells Karine and her mother this awful news, Paul stands by in total ignorance, frustrated that he can’t understand a single word of what’s happening. (AND THIS IS WHY YOU LEARN THE LANGUAGE, PEOPLE! GAH!)
After a translator fills him in, Paul is in shock. Karine is emotionally destroyed, as any new mother-to-be is a terrible moment like this, but the doctor assures her that the miscarriage was not a result of any behavior. It was a genetic abnormality that couldn’t have been avoided. Crushed, the couple sits there in silence, Karine in tears and Paul – for once – without words. Now Karine must spend two days in the hospital for the fetus to be removed, which scares Paul to death. Karine’s mother is heartbroken too, and her tears are sending me right over the edge. (I’m not crying! You’re crying!) Man. It’s just plain awful and, truly, my heart goes out to both of them.
Marta & Daya
Sigh. There’s not much to say about this couple except…it’s not gonna happen, TLC. No need to give us any more lame updates about “will they or won’t they?” We all know they most certainly WILL NOT. Still, we get a ridiculous scene of Marta – in full nightclub face, including Sharpie’d on eyebrows – working out with her stripper friend, complaining that Daya hasn’t sent her a letter of invitation to Algeria yet. What. Ever.
The only relatable moment of this scene is as follows: The pace at which Marta and Friend Marta peddle those stationary bikes is 100% me all day, every day on any form of gym equipment. #WorkoutRealness
Rachel & Jon
Somehow, Rachel has made her way back to London with the “no money” she has left, baby Lucy in tow, and a brand new set of highlights. Jon picks her up at the airport this time – no vomiting on the sides of roads for him! – and he’s also got a fresh hairdo for the occasion. Hmm, how do we describe it? Let’s just call it Wreck-It Ralph-meets-Aging Vegas Elvis. Also, he’s obviously stopped using his at-home hair color kit.
Anyhoo…Jon has some new secrets to explain. As they drive to the (very darling) cottage in Cornwall where they’ll stay throughout wedding festivities, Jon casually tells Rachel that he invited an ex-girlfriend to their pre-wedding dinner. Um, WHAT? Rachel is not happy. She also discovered that Jon had been communicating with another ex-girlfriend on social media recently when she “accidentally” hacked into saw his account. It’s also of note that Jon displays his rage-y tendencies for a moment on this drive, freaking out at Rachel because it’s “her” fault he missed a turn. Yikes.
After they settle in the cottage, Rachel confronts Jon on this social media convo, in which he claimed he really “loved” the ex – IN WRITING. Jon says he did love her, and he felt bad that he’d cheated on her, so he wanted her to know he’s a changed man now. Rachel’s insecurities, which we already know are at a 10, move directly to a white-hot 15.
Is this the same ex that’s coming to the wedding dinner?!?!? No, Jon says, without blinking for what seems like a full three minutes. He doesn’t see a problem with any of this behavior. And yo, he’s marrying Rachel now – with no promises of EVER being physically present in her life for years to come – so, it’s all good!
Prediction: We can look forward to MANY exes showing up at the pre-wedding dinner, and MANY friends of Jon calling him out for being a player.
Angela & Michael
Because Michael/producers are sadistic geniuses who deserve ALL THE AWARDS, Angela is forced to climb a mountain with Michael on one of her last days in Nigeria. As they look at caves where ancient tribes camped out, Angela wonders aloud how they had sex there? Because she’s planning on cave-mounting Michael at a moment’s notice, ya’ll. Michael laughs nervously before scurrying Angela up the hill.
At the top, Michael begs for answers while Angela tries not to go into cardiac arrest. Will Angela stay with him? Will she be his ambassador of MAGA hats and endless access to bobble heads from this day forth? Angela still doesn’t know if she can’t trust Michael. All she knows is that this does not look like a hooch where she comes from! No, this looks like someone in need of medical attention.
Back at the hotel, Angela calls her daughter, Scottie, for advice. Scottie (who is in a rather disgusting legal mess of her own right now), is not the best person to advise anyone on relationships, but at least she reminds Angela of one important point: She shouldn’t be proposing to HIM. He should be proposing to HER. (Especially if she doesn’t trust that he truly loves her yet.)
At dinner later, they revisit the issue. Michael vehemently promises that he will make Angela happy, that he will always tell the truth, and that he will never scream out for help when Angela is pinning him to the bed. Angela hems and haws, then finally reaches in her magical cleavage for a wadded up American Flag, which she hands to Michael. Inside, the pawn shop ring glimmers in the late afternoon sun. Elated, Michael jumps for joy and hugs Angela. “THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!” he shouts, grinning at the ring on his finger that represents his one-way ticket out of Nigeria.
In a surprising move, Michael then gets down on one knee and offers Angela a ring of her own. She’s shocked, mostly because she doesn’t like Michael staring up at her from that angle while she’s perched on a precarious stool above him. “GET UP!” she demands, then accepts the ring, and her fate. They’re getting married? Michael seems to think so.
“Donald Trump, I’m coming to see you!” he sings, waving his teenie-tiny American Flag back and forth. Someone alert the White House.
Tarik & Hazel
It’s the day after Hazel woodenly said, “I. Love. You.” to Tarik, and the clock is ticking on his decision to propose or not. Before he can pull the trigger, Tarik wants Hazel to FaceTime with his daughter back home, who knows nothing about the strange women he’s about to bring home as Mommy Dearest.
But when Tarik’s ex doesn’t pick up the call (and Tarik tells Hazel to “move out of the shot” when he calls her so no one sees her), Hazel becomes suspicious that even the EX doesn’t know about her. As it turns out, she doesn’t. In fact, Tarik admits that she doesn’t even know he’s in the Philippines right now! Whaaaa?
Hazel also admits to Tarik later that her sister (who lives in Japan) has propositions for her, including the promise of Japanese men willing to marry her if this Tarik thing doesn’t work out. Tarik wonders why Hazel would even entertain this idea? She deadpans, “Because he might be very rich.” And there you have it.
Hazel is obviously still upset about Tarik not telling his ex anything about her, but her attitude really can’t be determined by her facial expression because homegirl ALWAYS looks terrified/mad/sad/murdery. Tarik just shrugs it off though, plowing through her concerns and continuing with the plan. And ooooooooh what a plan he has cooked up for us! Because, ladies and gentlemen of the 90 Day Fiance jury, Tarik’s smooth proposal moves involve homemade raps which he shall blast on a mini-boombox, beachside, while talk/singing along to the words he wrote expressly for Hazel. The song is called “Faraway Girl” and it’s everything full body cringe-viewing is made of. (Pinch me. Am I dreaming? Thank you, TLC gods!)
After Tarik does a little dance and sings a little song – while Hazel covers her full face in hair, so as not to actually witness the nightmare unfolding before her – he drops to one knee and opens a ring box. For what seems like an eternity, Hazel just stands there staring at him, totally mute. Then she’s finally like, “What is that?”
Undeterred, Tarik asks her to marry him, to which Hazel responds…nothing. NOTHING! SHE CAN’T EVEN DEAL, YOU GUYS! Finally, she sort of shrugs and says “okay,” which Tarik will accept as a resounding yes. Later on, he’s all, “Why did you take so long to answer?!?!” when the producers interview them. Hazel just stares at the ground and imagines the rich Japanese guy she could have married that surely wouldn’t have busted out a crackpot tune on the beach before proposing. Well, Hazel, get ready for a lifetime of Tarik raps and mesh shirts ahead! He’s alllllllll yours now.
Ricky & Ximena
Welcome to a special Colombian edition of #ToesFloat.
Even though Ximena has been done super dirty by Ricky, she’s sticking around to see how far this scam can go. Plus, she’d sorta-maybe like Ricky to drown in the bay, which is a sentiment we can all get behind. As they sit on a pier down by the water, Ximena asks Ricky if he’ll prove her love by jumping in the water and swearing off Melissa forever? Ricky’s like, Um…I can’t swim. Ximena’s all, WHO ASKED YOU IF YOU COULD SWIM?!?! JUMP, DOG! JUMP!!! (Ximena: I heart you. #Hero)
With a full camera crew standing by ready to save sad little Ricky from imminent death (in 4 feet of water? 5?), he jumps in, then dramatically paddles the full twelve inches back to the dock, claiming “I almost DIED!” as he desperately grasps on to the ledge. Ximena just cackles uproariously as Ricky is literally SAVED by the production crew, who hoists him up with the help of 2-4 men. OMG. This dude deserves every minute of this scene to be played on a loop for the rest of his miserable life.
Later on, Ricky says the moment of truth is finally upon them. He’s ready to propose to Ximena, his one true love, his backup plan, his side chick for life. Thus, like any gent preparing for the most romantic moment of his life, Sir Ricky throws on his best T-shirt, straps on his fanny pack, and heads down to the water to woo his fair maiden. And all I have to say is: PLEASE PULL THE RING OUT OF THAT FANNY PACK AND MAKE ALL OF OUR COMEDY DREAMS COME TRUE.
Which is – holy sh*t!!! – exactly what he does. I can’t. I CANNOT. Dis tew much. Lololololol!! After Ricky drops to one knee, he looks up at Ximena, reaches into the depths of his fanny, and pulls out the ring meant for Melissa to ask for her hand in marriage. Crying, Ximena says “Yes!” and kisses her prince. Sadly, he remains a toad.
Darcey & Jesse
The most surprising thing about Darcey and Jesse is that one of them is not dead yet. Right? I mean, these two have been out for blood since day one, yet here they are, ready to fight another (and final?) round face to face in NYC.
As Darcey drags her ridiculously heavy baggage – both physically and metaphorically – behind her to the park where she’ll meet Jesse, she admits that her stomach is in knots. Why is he here? Has he come in the “name of love?” she stupidly wonders. No, Darcey. He’s come in the name of one more appearance fee, yo. GET YOUR HEAD STRAIGHT, LADY.
Once they meet up, Jesse plays nice for about 30 seconds while Darcey stares at him and coos about how “amazing” his eyes look. He can’t do the deed here, so he piles Darcey into an Uber, which is known of course, in serial killer circles, as “the second location.”
In the car, Jesse starts to make his plan known. He thinks Darcey has a lot of work to do on herself, which Darcey immediately gets defensive about. Jesse has specifically heard all about Darcey getting arrested for getting into a physical fight with her sister, Stacey, and he broaches the subject – but Darcey won’t even admit she was arrested! She tells cameras, “it was a family issue, and it’s fine.” Uh huh. Sure, Jan.
Fed up with pretending to be an actual human Jesse finally tells Darcey he’s done with her. For real? For REAL for REAL? Because, seriously, we need to stick a damn fork in this, or fold the pizza, or stab ourselves in the eye with a Louboutin – whatever it takes to make this nonsense STAHHHHP.
“You didn’t come here for love! You don’t love me! You never have!” screams Darcey as she falls out of the Uber, heaves her 400 bags out of the trunk, and stomps away. “GET OUT OF MY LIFE!”
Now the only question is, will both of these numbskulls get out of OUR lives for good? It is an ILLUSION to think we give two flying f**ks about them any more. (P.S. – Dear Uber Driver, please accept our apologies on behalf of all humanity.)
TELL US: WILL THESE ENGAGEMENTS PAN OUT? IS THIS THE LAST WE’LL SEE OF JESSE & DARCEY?
Photo Credit: TLC
