I don’t think it would be humanly possible for me to get sick of Southern Charm even if it aired all year long. This season, in particular, has been everything, and it’s not because of someone claiming to play the role of villain after getting reamed for their bad behavior. It’s been so fun to watch Kathryn Dennis get her life together while Thomas Ravenel implodes (or explodes as happened last night). This week’s episode had everything: Craig Conover hit rock bottom, Naomie Olindo acted crabby, and Shep Rose, who loves EVERYONE, was unable to stomach T-Rav’s latest plus one. Mix in some mild canoodling (and tears) from Chelsea Meissner and Austen Kroll, and it was a winner! Just kidding, it was full-on hard to watch mess thanks to what’s her name. My friend, who has been hesitantly straddling the Team Kathryn fence (she can’t forget), expressed it best when she texted me that her husband had a headache due to the amount of screaming she’d been doing at her TV in favor of our underdog.
Last week’s cliffhanger had everyone screaming “What Dau…fu(skie)?!?” at their television screens when Ashley Jacobs came for Kathryn on the charmers’ weekend getaway to Hilton Head Island. Just a quick refresher: Ashley really wants to be invited to Saint’s birthday party, so she went about procuring an invitation in the best way possible…feigning sympathy for the passing of Kathryn’s grandmother followed by insulting Kathryn’s mothering skills. It’s Emily Post 101, y’all!
Kathryn maintains her cool as Ashley shushes the other girls who are warning her not to bring up the children. Ashley announces she has information on Kathryn that would shock them, and Kathryn smiles chillingly, urging her to spill what she knows. Danni Baird interrupts to remind Ashley that the girls know their friend Kathryn very well before Ashley cuts her off to spew a laundry list of issues she no doubt heard from her Father-of-the-Year beau. Kensie and Saint act differently when they come back after a weekend with Kathryn. They don’t sleep well the first night. STOP THE PRESSES! Kids react differently when their schedules change?? Even Kathryn finds the accusation laughable, and Ashley retorts that she’s concerned what will happen with Kathryn gains more custody.
Over by the fire, it’s taking everything in Craig’s power not to place himself in the drama and stand up for his friend. Shep assures him that the girls can handle it, but he pointedly wonders why T-Rav has yet to interject. Realizing he has no choice anymore, Thomas tiptoes over to the table as Danni yells at him to shut Ashley the ‘fuskie up. Tell me again why Danni isn’t a full-time cast member? Whitney Sudler-Smith seconds that an intervention might be necessary. Ashley just can’t stop talking, babbling on about how she was warned that the only bad thing about dating T-Rav was his Kathryn baggage. Could she have possibly meant, Kathryn’s luggage? She was coveting it last episode after all. Ashley drones on about how the kids wake up the nanny during the night when they have trouble sleeping and how much the nanny tells her about the children’s behavior. Um, shouldn’t that intel be coming from their father? Of course not! The nanny has those children when Thomas has custody, which, honestly, is probably for the best. Kathryn continues to stay calm and look amused while T-Rav smirks at her with dagger eyes. I think he’s half hoping she’ll break and attack Ashley so he’ll have more ammunition against her while simultaneously remembering why he liked her in the first place. She can hold her own, unlike unraveling Ashley.
Danni, Naomie, and Chelsea are pleading with Thomas to call off his Kanye track (“Now I ain’t sayin’ she’s a…). Even Whitney finds this cruel punishment for Kathryn, and he’s, well, Whitney. Thomas whispers that he hopes the evening can be salvaged. He finds himself in a precarious position. He doesn’t want to piss off his girlfriend, but he hates (um, sure) hearing her speak this way to the mother of his children. Ashley is going off about how Kathryn didn’t visit Saint in the hospital after his adenoid surgery (because Thomas wouldn’t allow her). She prays Kathryn will one day try to be a good mother. Danni is at her breaking point. Her tiny ass arm flings T-Rav up from the table and storms off dragging him behind. She chastises him for allowing anyone to speak that way about his kids and the mother of his children. Back at the table, Kathryn repeatedly tells Ashley she has incomplete information. Ashley screeches like the banshee she is before Thomas reluctantly gets her to exit stage left. Whitney commends Kathryn for her composure, and he is sincere and I am totally here for it. He jokes that the Kathryn from two years ago would have skewered Ashley with a butter knife. Kathryn is grateful to her friends because she recognizes that the Kathryn of two years ago wouldn’t have had this group around for support in such a nasty situation. Chelsea tears up over how angry she is that Ashley could be so ugly about Kathryn’s kids, and Danni is still spitting mad. These people are true friends, and that is what makes it so great.
As Ashley shapeshifts off into the night, Craig shares a worried whisper with Shep….”They aren’t coming over here, are they?” All those boys are missing is a bowl of popcorn at this point! Austen comes to console Chelsea with Craig and Shep creeping behind to make sure the coast is clear. The boys request a recap, but Naomie assures them that they don’t want to hear that level of ugliness. The girls’ faces say it all, so the boys don’t ask again. In the golf cart parking lot (the only way to travel on the island if you aren’t a full-time resident), Ashley is screaming about how she’s constantly being her sweet self and kissing Kathryn’s ass only to be made a fool. Is that what happened? Ashley wonders how bad a mother Kathryn must be if the courts gave her children to a convicted felon…no offense. None taken. Thomas tries to diffuse the situation by thanking Ashley for having his back and suggesting she not engage. Ashley doesn’t understand why his friends are sympathetic to Kathryn instead of her. What a bunch of enablers!
Danni can’t get over Ashley’s hair flipping, as the group wonders whether Ashley will have the balls to return to the table. Wonder no more as T-Rav leads her back into the fray to announce they’ll be sitting inside for the remainder of the evening. Craig cites that he knew he didn’t have to break in to save the day because Kathryn is sober and crushing life. It’s still heartbreaking to see Kathryn sitting quietly on the verge of tears. Austen pulls Chelsea aside to let her know that he is giving it another go with Victoria. He hopes his new relationship won’t affect his friendship with Chelsea. They delve into the demise of their coupledom. Chelsea is a homebody while Austen wants to party all night. She tears up when she apologizes for making him feel like he had to choose. Like mature adults, the pair hugs to solidify their friendship. Shep approaches Ashley and Thomas before clearly wishing he hadn’t. Shep advises her not to say things she can’t take back, but Ashley doesn’t care. He tries to impart to Ashley that she wasn’t there and doesn’t know T-Rav and Kathryn’s dramatic past. When Ashley starts insulting Kathryn again, Shep simply walks away.
The crew boards the ferry back to Hilton Head, and Ashley snarks that she wants Whitney to stand in front of her for the whole ride so Kathryn is outside her line of vision. Whitney tells her that Chelsea doesn’t want her in the house any longer, and Austen interjects. There’s the pot stirring Whitney we’ve missed! Chelsea clarifies that it’s Kathryn’s decision if Ashley can stay. Ashley is obviously making people feel uncomfortable. When Ashley relays that tidbit to Thomas, his face glazes over in what can only be described as pure evil. He explodes in a barrage of expletives at Chelsea who backtracks on her statement, undoubtedly terrified by his drunken attack. Austen, this is where you could man up and show Chelsea you can stand up for your girl…just saying. He quietly asks Thomas not to speak to Chelsea that way causing Danni to pick up the slack, yelling at Ashley for smirking. She’s such an enabler {eye roll}. Austen at least recognizes that Ashley continuing to provoke the situation speaks to her trashy character. Kathryn feels vindicated that her friends are finally seeing the Thomas she’s known for years. As Chelsea cowers, Whitney tells Thomas to check himself. With Ashley stroking his face and cooing in his ear, T-Rav apologizes to Chelsea and Austen for his “ungentlemanly” outburst. Gag.
Back at the house, Shep, Whitney, and Austen head out for a nightcap as Naomie and Craig get into an immature tiff. I’m too emotionally depleted from the Ashley outburst that I can’t focus on it. Thomas joins Kathryn and Danni on the porch which rattles Ashley to no end. Danni insists she isn’t an enabler, and Kathryn tries to explain the nasty things Ashley was saying about their children. Inside, Ashley attempts to redeem herself to Chelsea, but instead, she just repeats Chelsea’s name condescendingly over and over (CHELT-SEA!!) while stating that just because Kathryn “gave birth to things doesn’t make her a mother.” An exhausted Chelsea tries to play nice but still manages to call Ashley evil eight ways to Sunday before retreating to bed. Danni believes Ashley owes Kathryn an apology, but Kathryn just wants her to go away. If she won’t do it on her own, maybe the legal system could get involved. T-Rav chokes on his bourbon before working overtime to placate Kathryn. She remains civil but detached, insisting Thomas has no clue the nastiness AmExAshley was spewing at her.
The following morning, the girls are rehashing the evening while Ashley pretends not to remember much. That said, Ashley isn’t ready to leave. She wants to prove that she can stand up for herself with these folks. Thomas begs her to hold her tongue. Her desire to always have the last word makes her look petty as shiz. Truth, T-Rav. Chelsea is still fearful of her encounter with Thomas, and Kathryn shares that she’s worried given Thomas and Ashley are the two people who spend the most time with Kensie and Saint. Now that’s scary! Craig has traded the Singer for a Caphalon, making breakfast for the house. Naomie chastises him for becoming such a chef after their break-up. Danni is confused as to how Ashley is pretending nothing happened. The group splits into two groups for a fishing expedition. Kathryn heads out with Craig and Shep while Danni, Austen, Chelsea, and Naomie will be on a different boat. Whitney returns from his own breakfast run as Ashley jokes about the boats capsizing. The charmers finally realize just how cray T-Rav’s new lady friend is. Ashley traipses off and Thomas tries to justify Ashley’s actions to Whitney. She’s premature to try and insert herself in his family. Whitney’s eyes glaze over as Thomas gushes about how attractive it was to see Kathryn’s self-control. Sheesh. This guy!
Both Chelsea and Shep’s boats are being captained by one of their childhood friends. Finally, we’re privy to some fun, although it’s going to take me awhile to shake off the drama from the previous night. Shep scores a sizable baby shark as the first catch of the day as the other boat focuses on crabbing. Craig has something on the line, but it’s just a hunk of stone. Shep teases that his pal has finally hit rock bottom. Meanwhile, Craig’s ex Naomie is putting her boot to good use procuring wayward crabs. On land, Ashley is combing T-Rav’s hair and giving him a pedicure. Yes, a bright. Orange. Pedicure. She thinks they’d make perfect babies, and she’d like to keep practicing. Thomas wonders if an apology is looming, but Ashley has no regrets about what she said to Kathryn. On cue, Craig takes a lot of pleasure gossiping about Ashley’s aversion to birth control. She and Kathryn have something in common! Shep chimes in to reveal that T-Rav stupidly spent ten grand on a shopping spree for Ashley. Our new, vibrant Kathryn just laughs about the pocketbook and luggage she received during her courtship with Thomas. Wait, did someone say luggage?? Boat number two features a very flirty Chelsea and Austen, and Naomie feels inclined to post an Instagram story that will come back to bite Austen in his flat ass.
The friends return with their spoils for dinner (although Shep’s may have been purchased as opposed to caught) and proceed to get ready for the evening. Craig’s fashion show for himself is particularly endearing. Dressed to the nines, Danni, Chelsea, and Naomie continue to marvel at how strange it is that Ashley is acting like nothing happened the night before. As caterers prepare the feast, Thomas requests a baby update on Cameran Eubanks. No baby yet, although Cameran is obviously thanking her lucky stars Palmer allowed her to bypass this nightmare. Ashley complains that Kathryn’s leather-clad bum is in her face. Shep sits with the exiled couple to make nice, but Ashley can’t stop spouting cringe-worthy comments. T-Rav’s feet are her bitch, and she’ll keep his toenails painted as long as she damn well pleases. She is the boss. She is his boss. As quickly as Shep joins the couple, he flees the scene. Ashley is not the boss. Tony Danza is the boss. Ashley is angered by the diss and taunts Shep by repeatedly digging, “oh, good talk, good talk.” Shep side-eyes her as no one has ever side eyed before. It’s glorious.
Shep finds her penchant for confrontation unnerving, but, always the gentleman, he complies with her demand for a shot. No, a chilled shot. He finds the hen circle and declares how much he ‘fuskie hates Ashley. The ladies are beyond delighted by this admission from the guy who never takes sides. He is sick to his stomach by her irrational confidence. She is stealing his oxygen. Shep prays for her exit. Just when the audience feels content that the drama is subsiding, there is a chair missing at the dinner table. When Ashley goes in search of a seat, Austen troubles her to grab him a beer as well. Awesome. Thomas positions her at the head of the table where she pretends to pick food out of Shep’s teeth. She doesn’t do seafood.
As the night winds down, Shep expresses gratitude on behalf of himself and Chelsea for coming to a place that is so dear to their hearts. Chelsea gives a toast reiterating his sentiment as Ashley demands an arm massage from Thomas. Because that’s normal. Austen is pulled away from the group when he receives an angry call from Victoria. She saw Naomie’s Insta-story, and he was touching Chelsea’s arm. Austen accuses her of being jealous and overbearing. He’s not going to be shamed for hugging a friend, and he’s certainly not going to entertain this level of insecurity when it is completely unwarranted. Does Bravo really think we care about Austen’s faux girlfriend drama? Obviously, because we’re treated to another “to be continued”…
OMG, OMG, OMG, TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LAST NIGHT’S SOUTHERN CHARM EPISODE? WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON ASHLEY’S BEHAVIOR? WHAT WERE THE MOST RIDICULOUS MOMENTS OF THE EPISODE?
[Photo Credit: Bravo]
