The countdown is finally over! We Vanderpump Rules watchers have finally arrived at the inevitable nuptials of two people so solely unhappy together it’s almost not funny. So, yes, last night was the debut of Katie Maloney‘s wedding gown and it was even worse than Scheana Marie‘s. But the biggest shock was that Tom 2 actually seemed happy to be getting married. That’s a change!
Tom and Katie spent $51,000 on a wedding in someone’s backyard next to the train tracks, yet Tom couldn’t afford to fly his family out to attend. Only his mom, Kim, the object of Jax Taylor‘s wanton obsession, has made it. Thus far anyway. I guess Jax imagines that Kim is a woman who knows how to make a turkey sandwich?
Anyway, call me confused but wouldn’t you factor ‘flying family to wedding’ into your budget above $10,000 worth of flowers, or a $4,000 Tacky Tuesday rehearsal dinner? Was Tom 2 too afraid of Katie’s wrath or something… Likely he actually fears Katie’s combined forces with Stassi Schroeder, the official plus one of his wedding and entire life. Yes, after all her maneuvering Stassi has finally secured the spot of Maid Of Honor. Unofficially so as not to hurt Kristen Doute‘s feelings, but honestly where else would one place their Celestial Wife in the order of things?
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Kristen explains that Stassi being MOH is a mere technicality because she and Tom 1 refused to walk down the aisle next to each other, and since Tom 2 has THREE brothers, none of whom he prioritized over Katie’s flower demands, Tom 1 is the Best Man. Officially. Because where else does one place their Celestial Husband and Soulmate Of Your Heart? Yet, Tom 1, like Tom 2’s actual relatives, is not here. Tom and The Triplets all missed their flights and floating around in the nether space.
So they all go tubing to distract Tom 2, who calls for Tom 1 over and over again from the riverbanks. Suddenly like a mirage, Tom 1 appears sitting on the riverbanks, surround by Coors Light. It is no apparition. It is reality! Tom and Tom, for one brief second, almost throw caution down stream like an empty beer can to kiss. Then they remember themselves. Instead Tom 2 uses his glee to mount a giant inflatable flamingo, while Tom 1 submits himself to Ariana Madix, then winds up in a tense conference with Jax about the wayward triplet brothers. Will it take planes, boats, automobiles, and plastic floaties to get the triplets here? You betcha!
This wedding! I’m from WV and have seen my fair share of country ‘sheek’ weddings – mason jars with cocktails, and baby breath in the bride’s hair, chalk signs… yada, yada, yada… But something about this wedding – it was kinda like some wannabe ‘Necks up in Cali trying to play at kitschily at backwoods cause it’s a ‘thing’. It was just sad. That place seriously looked like a normal house with a normal backyard, and there’s nothing romantical about your ceremony being interrupted by a train whistle. Maybe the train is strategically placed in case a desperate groom wants to hop a freight to escape?
But for now Tom 2 is feeling the love. Especially towards the only member of his family he thinks could attend, his beloved mama Kim, who does a Fireball shot with him to celebrate. Tom proudly gives her a diamond ring as a token of his appreciation. Blessedly Katie has also calmed way the f–k down!
Even Lisa Vanderpump is feeling the country vibe as she finds herself in a quaint hotel room using an iron for the first time since 1986. Back when she used to iron Max’s nappies and starch his metallic pink, custom monogrammed, Irish linen burp rags herself. Ken is so bemused he takes a photo of Lisa, in what is surely a bathrobe stolen from Yolanda Foster, working the iron in a bathroom so small that if it were at Villa Rosa it would only belong to Giggy. And he wouldn’t even have to share with Harrison!
$4,000 worth of tacos, smacking a piñata jokingly named Lala Kent, all washed down with Coors Lite has put everyone in higher spirits. Finally! Best of all, The Triplets have finally arrived! They look like smaller, furrier Tom 2‘s. At the sight of them walking in one-by-one, like a rag-tag Von Trapp family, Tom 2 bursts into tears. “I know so many wonderful people,” he bawls, hugging Tom and Jax over and over. I’m guessing most of those wonderful people are on the groom’s side, although Katie secured a few good eggs herself. Like her dad, who is sweet and adorable.
Of course, then there is Stassi. While tubing she had a meltdown over river water and whined, “I don’t like diseases of any kind!” This from the woman who dated Jax. And this from the woman who at the rehearsal dinner regales her own mother with a story of meeting some guy on a dating app, and on the first date letting him go down on her like seven times until she cried. She does not expect to hear from him again.
Stassi is momentarily redeemed during a tender moment with a slightly sloshed LVP who gently informs Stassi of what a disappointment she is. Stassi admits she’s made some mistakes, which hopefully someday she can remedy. Perhaps. But admitting you have a problem (or are the problem) is half the problem. This is the step where Scheana Marie has found herself stuck.
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Shay, per usual is nowhere to be found. In fact rather than spend time with Scheana at the rehearsal dinner he is sleeping in their room with a pillow over his head. Scheana continues headlong into the descent of her delusion as she gushes to Lisa that she and Shay have “gotten their spark back” and are more in love than ever! Um… whatever happy pills she’s on, she needs to share with Stassi and Katie!
Lisa smiles and nods, and makes a note in her iPhone to call her divorce attorney friend about a new client.
The next morning everyone is bright-eyed, bushy-haired, and ready to get their wedding on. The only thing not ready are the vows! Neither Tom nor Katie could find the time (or emotional wherewithal) to write them. Because they can’t find the love? These two and their priorities! They don’t spend money on family and they don’t spend time writing vows, but there are flowers scattered on the forest floor to create a life-sized fairy garden effect. And tacos.
In the bride’s quarter, Katie sits down to the breakfast of champions: beer, whiskey, edibles, and bacon, then proceeds to hair and makeup as hovered over by Evil Stepsister Kristen, who is plotting to shove Stassi off the maid-of-honor platform and glide into the spot herself. Kristen will make herself the most indispensable bridesmaid Ho-Ha-Hoe there ever was. She orders Carter to run to the liquor store, she is arranging hair and makeup, she is assembling Katie’s weird beaded flower arrangement which looks like a ton of broaches stolen from people’s grandmas, set on a pincushion, and then wrapped with tulle.
The groomsman, plus Ariana, first go fishing so Tom 2 can bathe away his sins in the river. Back at the groom’s quarters, Jax is on Triplet Patrol, ordering them around like a three-tired Brittany Cartwright, demanding they iron ties, get their suits out, brush their teeth, etc. Real Man Of Honor, Tom 1 has a suitcase filled with all manner of curiosities: extra ties, extra socks, extra balls should the groom need a pair… it’s all here for your imagination and procurement!
One hour before the wedding, Tom 2 finally sits down to write his vows. On an actual piece of paper. He is interrupted by a bee, then realizes the time, plasters his hair down with river water and other detritus, steps into his suit, and is off to meet his maker.
Things are going a little less smoothly for the bride. Literally. Katie can’t fit into her dress. After all her laborious preparations to make this day a reality – all the sanity, good graces, and relationships she’s sacrificed, it may all be for naught because she Taco Tuesday’d herself right out of her wedding gown. The only thing she’s shedding for the wedding is the boning sewn into the dress, which Kristen is snipping out with eyebrow scissors. Finally Katie is zipped into a giant bedazzled pair of pantyhose. Everyone oohs and aaahs because that is the responsibility of a Bridesmaid Ho-Ha-ha!
And then they are off.
Brittany walks down the aisle imaging her own wedding. It will take place in a castle in Kentucky. In the winter. Filled with roses. She will carry a turkey sandwich and wear a body condom. At the end of the aisle there will be Jax sweating profusely and being held down by the Sherry. It will be magical for sure!
Stassi smugly takes her place to the right of Katie, while Kristen forces a tight smile.
Ariana wears her suit better than any of the boys and walks a giggling Scheana down the aisle. Tom 1 feels his heart constrict with love as he sees his two best mates: Tom 2 and Ariana together in this place of love, wearing tight trousers, and it is everything a metrosexual man child could ever hope for. Finally Katie begins her descent up the aisle, where Lisa is waiting dressed all in black (like she was actually preparing for a funeral) to officiate the wedding that almost never was.
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The funniest thing was everyone admitting they never thought the wedding would actually happen, and that as little as two weeks ago, Sandoval and Jax were seriously counseling Tom 2 to call the whole thing off and save himself. Yet here they are… Here. They. All. Are… Well Stassi and Kristen seem overjoyed, crying that two of their favorite will soon become one, and then Tom will be cocooned into the black widow’s embrace of the Three-headed Shebeast. For-Ev-Ver.
Next week – the conclusion and the season finale!
TELL US – WHAT DO YOU THINK OF KATIE’S WEDDING GOWN? ARE YOU SURPRISED TOM 2 ACTUALLY MADE IT TO THE WEDDING?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
