Last night’s Vanderpump Rules traveled through the few remaining days before Tom Schwartz legally yoked himself to Tequila Katie. Actually, Tom has optimistically decided to eulogize Tequila Katie – maybe that explains why they spent $10,000 on flowers! Double-duty for a funeral?
Before everyone converges in the middle of nowhere “where no one can hear you squeal, boy,” (name that movie!) Tom 1 and Jax Taylor must take care of some risky business in the big city. They must summon their courage with a tiny trumpet and drink raw eggs for manliness. They’re doing this for Tom 2. As he relinquishes his bank account, his soul, and what’s left of the d–k he can only partially find, that only partially works, Tom 1 and Jax will be his everlasting strength.
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Today’s task in preserving Tom2‘s Tomness, involves Tom 1 and Jax convincing Tom 2’s triplet brothers to attend his wedding. Oddly no one in Tom’s family can manage to get time off work, or anxiety, or spend money to actually care enough to come to his wedding. Tom’s dad isn’t coming. His sister is ‘working’ and his brothers, who all live at home in one room and share a cell phone, can’t afford it. Something VERY odd is going on in this family!
Like this explains so much. Apparently Tom 2‘s family lives in the middle of the FL swamps and are afraid to fly. Does Tom cling to Katie so because she, using her claws, masked with shiny polish, and her veneers, perfect and straight to conceal her bite, hauled him from those swamps and ensconced him in a beer-wrapped snuggie, then plopped him onto the couch next to Stassi Schroeder, who seemed so sweet at first, but is actually just the duvet cover over this whole mess! (If that made any sense to you – congratulations).
But seriously – why is Tom’s entire family skipping his wedding? Could it be … that they do not approve of his fair fiancé? Or perhaps they never expected him to go through with it…
In order to get some Schwartz representation at these nuptials dominated by Katie’s demands, Tom 1 and Jax call one of the triplets and beg them to come to the wedding by offering to pay for their tickets and the hotel. They want it to be a surprise so mum’s the word. Speaking of – where is Tom’s mum?
On the other side of town Katie took her entire bridal party to some strip mall to get their dresses altered. Kristen Doute keeps attempting to mimic the infamous Bridesmaids movie pose, which is a fail just like everything else about Katie’s vision for this wedding. So there amid the frumpy satin and slippery poly-lace, Brittany Cartwright lets it slip that Tom and Jax are smuggling the triplets across state lines into the deep forests of NV (or is it Cali?). But shhhh… no one can know! Kristen promises secrecy and we know that won’t go well, but perhaps this will upstage her attempt to smuggle Vegas girl into the wedding party to surprise Tom 2 with her cheating reveal?! I kid…
When Katie arrives to the fitting she is full of good cheer and happiness, because she and Tom have worked through ALLLLL their issues and it didn’t even take one therapy session! They beat Scheana Marie and Shay’s record – it only took them ONE session to reclaim their marriage. Now it’s onto the task of writing her vows… Since Stassi is a writer, perhaps she can fulfill that Soon-To-Be-Sister Wife duty? Wife No 3 Kristen will be waiting in the wings. All the Three-Headed SheBeast needs to achieve ultimate power is the semen of one wussy man-child!
That man-child can currently be found in a candy store fulfilling the ever-important wedding duty of stuffing Mike & Ike’s info favor bags. Oh, and shoving all his concerns, feelings, and issues with Katie under the rug until after they’ve tied the knot.
Filling the candy bags is a HUGE responsibility. Like what if Katie hates Sour Patch Kids?! What if Tequila Katie, whom Tom assumed they buried in the bogs of New Orleans, rises again because she was only buried underneath piles of Jelly Belly’s?! Just in case Tom 2 is planning a Tequila Katie funeral alongside their wedding. He is writing vows and a eulogy simultaneously. So was Tom 1 practicing the trumpet for that funeral march? Cause I assumed he was practicing the funeral march for Tom 2…
Stassi and her sister wife Katie are giving Tom boudoir photos for a wedding gift. Just kidding! Actually Stassi is pretending to embrace this Sexy, Single, Stassi thing by getting her groove back with a naked photoshoot. Wearing lots of lace and mesh, Stassi’s inspiration was Tom 1 in drag.
The funny thing is that Stassi is only pretending to embrace singledom. In reality she’s only embracing her love of Katie; her dedication to soul sisterhood and spiritual wifery, and marring into Katie’s union to Tom. Katie is from Utah she should know all about heavenly sessions and celestial concubines. Yes, poor Tom is not gaining a wife – he’s gaining two. And her little dogs too!
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Speaking of witches, Lala Kent reappears. Apparently she fled Vanderpump Rules in the throes of an anxiety attack. While Ariana Madix is oh-so conveniently sitting by the infamous SUR dumpster watching people’s dreams get compacted and rotten amid the old banana peels and egg shells, Lala arrives. Ariana pretends she is gonna ice Lala out, but within seconds she’s all – whatever girl, it’s fine, but the person you oughtta be worried about is Lisa Vanderpump. Lala apparently returned to give Lisa her official ‘notice.’
Lisa is supremely unimpressed by Lala’s excuses, and lectures her for lying about her life. The subtext is that Lisa feels betrayed because Lala didn’t want all her dirty laundry, presumably containing the remnants of married man engagements, aired at SUR, then crying victim when others tried to expose her. Whatever – still Team Lala.
Someone who needs a lesson in bailing (other than Tom 2, obviously) is Scheana Marie. She excitedly tells Jax and Katie about visiting a fertility clinic to plan future babies with Shay. Scheana envisions being miraculously implanted with the seed of Shay and finding herself pregnant. Herself being the operative word. Because what Shay wants clearly doesn’t matter.
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Jax tries to remind Scheana that generally procreation involves actual physical contact, but according to Scheana if you believe it you can achieve it! That’s how she finally got into the popular clique right?!
While LVP is wandering through SUR criticizing Jax’s bartending, he mentions that Scheana is plotting to impregnate herself when perhaps her primary focus should actually be finding Shay. He’s moved into the studio and making beautiful music just for her! Since Jax is an expert in How To Lie And Cheat… all the signs of Shay’s disinterest in this marriage are there, but Scheana hasn’t learned in all her experience as Jax’s friend…
James Kennedy also reappears. While everyone at SUR turned their backs and locked their doors, this little WeHo social pariah and record-spinning refugee found open arms and hearts with his girlfriend’s family. Raquel and James are SOOOO in love and it’s gonna last, guys! There will be no Beamer sex for this girl! James tearfully confesses to Raquel’s mother that he was actually fired from SUR and PUMP and therefore is unemployed, but Raquel’s mom isn’t worried – so long as he stays on TV, right? Oh, and treats Raquel like the princess she is. At least while she’s wearing her Miss Malibu sash! Good luck you two.
Finally it is time to leave the safety and security of West Hollywood, where pretty ponies roam the street beckoning you to ride atop their sparkling saddles, and disembark to a place where the bears are far-less groomed and stylized. Tom and Katie are transporting their wedding cake in a giant Tupperware, alongside their dogs, a piñata, and whatever else in their clown car. Seriously squashing the cake in that ill-packaged box?!
As if it’s not bad enough to be staring down the abyss of one’s imminent doom, immediately after they arrive, the proprietor surprises them with the bill. A bill as enormous as Tom and Katie’s delusion. The total cost of Katie’s insanity is a $51,000! $10,000 of that for FLOWERS. Tom is required to cough up $20,000. How is it that this week these two are writing personal checks for $20k (which yeah right – the wedding place would demand a certified check), but when they went to get a prenup their combined assets, not including credit card debt, was like $1,000. Things that make you go hmmm…
I don’t know why Katie and Tom didn’t pay closer attention to Scheana and Shay because they would have gotten a pretty necessary dose of what their lives will be like next year and saved themselves $5ok. While packing for the wedding weekend, Shay has barely constrained contempt towards Scheana and her friends. Perhaps they’re only palatable if one is super drunk?
While Tom is rocking in the corner cuddling his checkbook, Kristen and Carter arrive, followed by Stassi and Rachel. The soon-to-be-newlyweds were supposed to be having some alone time, but surely, that didn’t mean alone time away from Kritter and Stassi?! Sister Wives Hoo-Ha-Hoe!
So… “Let the wild rumpus start!” Which means stuffing a piñata. With 99 Bananas. A perfect theme for this wedding and marriage. Because Katie is bananas and all that remains of Tom 2‘s dignity are the days of past before he had been corrupted.
The next morning while Katie is adorned by a crown of bacon, Tom 2 receives terrible news: Tom 1 missed his flight over a wardrobe malfunction! He forgot his suit, ran home to get it and the plane flew away. And now – the horror! – Tom may miss the tubing expedition. The very cornerstone of this weekend – the most important thing they will embark upon and something Tom 1 has been looking forward to for years. Ummm…really?
In far nicer, if you can call it that, accommodations, Lisa and Ken arrive. Poor Lisa – the unfortunate duty of officiating this wedding has been bestowed upon her and she has a bad feeling. Not as bad a feeling as Ken, who will be surprised if Tom 2 makes it to the altar. After all, he had a panic attack bartending at PUMP! Ken Todd – the only realist in West Hollywood! He will not be bamboozled by sparkles, storylines, sangria falling out of a piñata. He, unlike everyone else on this show, is not blissfully willing to forget the past.
Also faced with daunting tasks is Jax. He learns that Tom 1 is not the only person who missed a flight – the same fate befell the triplets. Now Jax is panicking that they may miss the wedding. “I have to call Tom!” he wails, escaping Brittany to run into the dark woods where he can howl his frustrations at the moon, and no one will witness a grown man-child sob like a baby over the grave mistake Tom 2 will soon make in these same dark woods, beguiled by the crumbs of desperation which led him to the witch’s candy cottage, and only realizing after finding himself locked in a cage built from those very same licorice strands.
Can Jax save Tom? Will Tom appear at the altar? Will Shay launch an escape mission through the dead of night, using his sobriety as a tracking device to free them all from these dastardly woods? All important questions to be answered next week…
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[Photo Credits: Bravo]
