Like the ziplock baggie in Lisa Rinna‘s purse, last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills had a little bit of everything, and something for everyone.
Oh Lisa Vanderpump – you saucy minx! I see your redemption campaign, smiling blithely, supremely feigning ignorance to any possible schemes, handing Dorit Kemsley a mirror and instructing her how to amputate her nose to spite her face, defending the maligned, innocent Kim Richards… I think Ms. LVP missed her calling in politics!
Last night had a tricky little moment between LVP and Dorit, didn’t it? Dorito had descended from her Nacho Cheese Delusions and spent the entire episode getting into my good graces, and also the good graces of Lipsa and Eileen Davidson, but in the last few moments, as if a switch was flipped, she all of a sudden turned a bit vituperative. Seeming to plant, to a scandalized, yet dismissive LVP that Lipsa is carrying around baggies of drugs. Now, before LVP could start alerting the police, Dorit was quick to add, as an afterthought that, the pills were “mostly” vitamins.
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What made this reveal so odd, is how the subject was introduced: out of nowhere. It just seemed, well, plotted. Lisa’s reaction seemed a bit too practiced, and Dorit’s segue into this conversation, inauthentic. I was happy to see LVP dismiss it as nonsense, but we all know it won’t be the end of it. It made me start to think it’s some sort of scheme, Dorit weasels her way to the inner-circle, Trojan Horse-style, and they never see her coming as she strikes from the inside. Clearly I expect way too much genius from my Housewives.
I am just gonna say it though, and you can vow to never read these recaps again if you don’t like it, but I almost believe LVP is now manipulating on purpose. And doing one better by showing her hand in the process, like, ‘Oh you want to call me manipulative? Well, watch me work, my darlings!’
Well, anyway, other than that moment I found this episode to be an absolute delight! I personally love seeing the ladies have fun, glamming around in their beautiful clothes through their sublime houses, patting a purse that costs more than my own house. I even found Kyle Richards lovely this episode! How gorgeous did she look all sun-kissed and rosy in Greece? I don’t care if she had on 10lbs of Erika Jayne glam squad to create that glow, it worked.
Kyle and Erika are in Mykonos to introduce the world to the power of Erika VaJayneJay. It’s something – just ask Peek-K! Well they’re having a wonderful time. Erika waxes rhapsodically that she never imagined women could be her friends, or be so fun and enjoyable. Erika wonders what she’s been missing all these years, cozying up geriatric millionaires and the gays who metaphorically pat her puss, her puss being synonymous with her ego.
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Who knew Kyle could spawn the awakening of Erika Girardi, when the rest of the world – ostensibly – is clamoring for the awakening of their inner-Erika Jaynes? Look at you, Kyle, being a public servant! An activist for girl power. Let yourself feel the movement underneath your caftan.
Over dinner, Kyle tells a charming story of her mother hauling a toddler-aged Kyle out of bed and forcing her to perform like a trained monkey on the set of Little House On The Prairie.
Then Erika, covered in sequins, climbed a 100 foot scaffolding built into a cliff to sing her puss-powered anthems. She fears for her safety, but alas one must suffer for their art! Sadly, without her ponytail helicopter, Splits was rendered pretty-much danceless.
Back in L.A., Eileen, Lipsa, and Dorit really meant what they said about pressing this “reset” button. They head deep into Valley, probably treading dangerously close to the lair of Brandi Glanville, to teach Dorit to rollerblade. Odd, but cute. Lipsa finds Dorit irresistibly charming, and if she really means they can start afresh following their squabble, then this could be the makings of a beautiful friendship. Oh Lipsa, careful there – you better eat those words and not even bother to count the calories!
To demonstrate their reset, they call Kyle and Erika in Greece to wish Erika good luck. Erika is quite surprised by this turn of events. She has already recognized that one must keep their puss covered and well-guarded around Dorit … lest she start handing out undies at a party!
Oh, and speaking of parties, it is PK’s 49th birthday. Is that cause for celebration? Guess so! Everything must be purrrrfect for the man who has everything except dignity and class! Dorit is throwing him a party, and she wonders if Lipsa would mind terribly if she invited Rambles. Lipsa is overjoyed that someone cares about her opinion for once. I am not overjoyed that Bravo continues to try and make Rambles KimKillah Richards, ticking time bomb of the BH, happen. She and Kingsley need to go like fetch and leave the vernacular of Real Housewives.
Now this party must be planned to exaltation especially because Boy George will be serenading PK with a private concert – something he NEVER does for his close friends. Also Dorit wants to somehow hide that Boy George will be performing by building a secret stage hidden behind a partition. Why not just have a phony band, then midway through have Culture Club appear as if from nowhere? Honestly though, was this Peek-K’s birthday, or a Boy George advertisement? Either way, I don’t think hiding Boy George by telling your collective guests you have mold is the best plan. I mean, there was mold there, but Dorit is correct in that it wasn’t growing on her ceiling! It was growing on the soggy feuds of Housewives.
Meanwhile Eden Sassoon has gleaned an invitation to Villa Rosa so LVP can investigate her. Eden has high standards, and is an arbiter on how one should behave and why. In fact she recently dumped a man for calling her Type A while eating a cheeseburger cause she was forcing him to quit smoking. Now Eden has decided it’s her mission to save Kim Richards from herself, and to save Kyle Richards from Kim Richards.
Now, I fully believe Kyle is an enabler. I don’t blame Kyle at all. I get it. I also fully believe Eden is correct in her assessment of Kim’s intransigence and that she’s merely a ‘dry drunk,’ not sober. But, A) Eden doesn’t know these people; B) she’s trying to re-write her own relationship with her sister through ‘saving’ Rambles and Splits, and ain’t no crystals in the world able to fix that Twisted Sisters mess! Not an exorcism, not an Andy Cohen check, not a reality show putting them on blast time and time again, and certainly not new-age So-Cal hippie who bought over-prized zen from an ashram retreat and is now rebranding herself a guru. Maybe Richard Simmons could fix Rambles and Splits, but nothing less zany, nutty, and filled with bottomless love should touch that mess. (I should mention that I adore Richard Simmons.)
LVP digests what Eden is saying with a sip of tea and her mouth formed in a permanent O.
Since conquering one is not enough, Eden invites Lipsa and Dorit over for smoothies. This was a cute scene. They were all laughing and connecting. Lipsa jokes about throwing the occasional Xanax in her smoothie, and then whips out a giant Ziploc of pills and vitamins, which honestly was mostly Tylenol and weird ‘If I could turn back time…’ vitamins, mixed in with the odd Xanax. She jokes about being the Beverly Hills medicine woman, then Eden drops that she’s sober from alcohol but still takes pills. All the while Dorit is laughing and playing along, and seemingly having a grand old time, but the revelations leave her perplexed. Apparently she needs LVP’s advice to digest this matter.
You know Lipsa probably bought most of those pills in a post-Lyme treatment fire sale in Yolanda Foster’s walk-in pill closet. (Kidding!) But I mean, the way Bravo is always on one medical detective mess after another, you can’t blame a gal for being prepared! I personally found Lipsa yanking out that wrinkled Ziploc hilarious, and Eden and Dorit gleefully joined her in playing ‘Where’s Xanax?’ hiding amid the mess of multi-vitamins and adrenal supplements. Actually Lipsa should do a ‘Where’s Xanax?’ coffee table book.
After the Erika Jayne performance, which took place at 3 am!, she decides there is literally no time like the present for a sunrise bikini photo shoot. Kyle just wants to eat pasta in peace, but after muuuuuch cajoling (eye roll), Erika forces Kyle to strap on some macrame. Kyle feigns false modesty, and then, as if she’s been practicing for her Sports Illustrated Swimsuit moment all her life, strikes a pose! I actually loved Kyle this episode – she rolled with all the punches and had fun. I really like Kyle when she’s not playing Rambles KimKillah’s soldier, or social climbing so hard she’s scaling the platform Erika performed on, or hawking caftans.
Kyle returns home the day of PK’s party and is greeted with a call from LVP wanting to know about the trip. All seemed pleasant and nice, and the party started off swimmingly. Everyone was there – even Camille Grammer! Even Kim is even managing to conduct herself enough to get along with Lipsa and Eileen. Even PK was kind and gracious, showing manners he unearthed from deep within in the recesses of his soul. Unfortunately Eden is circling around Kim like a shark, waiting for the morsel of ‘insobriety’ to drop. When Kim mentions being really anxious for the birth of her grandchild, Eden wonders if that’s a trigger for Kim… Eden, girl, you’re digging. You’re digging your own grave, actually. Watch it – you’ll be the next Slut Pig! Even Lipsa is like, ‘Don’t DO THIS NOW EDEN!’
All the whilst Dorit is telling everyone the curtains they’ve erected on the side of the room are there to hide “significant water damage.” The ladies buy it like discount Chanel, except for LVP, who realizes right away that PK and Dorit have some scheme up their curtains. Because, honestly, in a house that big why wouldn’t you have the party in a different room? The real mystery is why Lipsa was dressed like a stewardess from the 1980’s.
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Kyle arrives last, in a dress channeling her inner-Erika Jayne. Another one converted to the pussy pat army!
Then Dorit leaps in front of the curtains, and her dress, literally matches them completely – the dress actually had a curtain attached to its shoulders – to declare that PK is the “soul-to-her-mate” and because of this, she has a surprise gift for all of guests. It’s Boy George! Cue obligatory freak out. Kim is a huge fan and rambled all over George until he took the world’s most askew selfie to extract himself from a Twisted Richards Sandwich. Then Eileen noticed that Dorit was an uncannily good at lying about what was behind her curtains… and like Erika considers herself warned (I know Eileen was being sarcastic here, BTW.).
But the party had a fun, super silly vibe and no one was being weird except Eden, who left early. Immediately after her exit, Kim pounces on Kyle to complain that Eden was investigating her. Kim had that scratchy raspiness in her voice that always precedes bad, bad, BAD things. Then, in the back corner, Dorit, out of nowhere, starts telling this awkward anecdote about Lipsa’s baggies of pills. (Note – Keep KimKillah Richards away form Rinna’s purse – she doesn’t need a pick pocketing charge!). And just when I was starting to change my opinion about Dorit too!
The whole thing was just… askew somehow. “Telephone! Telegram! Tell Dorit!” muses George. I think it’s been established that Dorit likes to talk. Too much. LVP shrugs that if Lipsa has a problem, per se, then her carrying around a baggie of pills is a bigger problem, but if she’s just your casual Beverly Hills vitamin abuser, then really, who’s counting? Well, I think LVP is. Always counting that is…
TELL US – IS DORIT UP TO SOMETHING? OR AM I OVER-REACTING? IS EDEN OVERLY-OBSESSED WITH KIM OR IS HER CONCERN NECESSARY?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
