Yikes was last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County a mess! We all know Bravo loves a family drama, but David’s mother-in-law covertly, sniper from the side-style, attacking Shannon Beador while roaming the crowd at a place called The Blue Beet during her granddaughters’ rock star debut… Well, even I’m shocked!
There was a lot of ridiculous this episode. Vicki Gunvalson being utterly baffled that her children consider her a high-maintenance nightmare? Ridiculous! Tamra Judge truly believing herself a ‘peacemaker’. RIDICULOUS! Shannon micro-mom-aging her preteen daughters rock rehearsal, then taking OVER the microphone during practice to demonstrate for them. Ridiculous!
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Even more ridiculous – Shannon inviting her middle-aged friends to her daughters’ musical debut, and making their big night ALL. ABOUT. THE. AFFAIR. How mortifying! Does no one on these shows think of the children? Clearly not, because Vicki turned Briana’s birthday lunch into a monologue about how she likes sex until Michael looked down at his plate and couldn’t differentiate the refried beans from his own vomit. And she was over an hour late. Vicki is also still intermittently in a neck brace.
Mother-in-law dramas are as old as the institution of marriage itself. In some cave in France, I’m sure we’ll find cryptic drawings of a cave woman clubbing her MIL while her cave husband’s back was turned. I know this must be true because I’ve seen it on the Flintstones.
But the irony here is the amazing parallels of Bravo editing – Shannon’s MIL being depicted as overbearing, disrespectful, micromanaging, and petty, cross-cut with footage of Shannon nit-picking her daughters’ rehearsal like some wannabe Kris Jenner in bad shoes and a bad 80’s flashback. Yes, Shannon, we know that 300 years ago you were with the band, but please don’t try to relive your failed dreams through your daughters by leaping up on stage, or forcing them to take lessons from someone named Sterling, who is result of that time a secret government lab mixed the DNA from 70’s Elvis with Slash from Guns & Roses. I am STILL cringing at Shannon leaping up in her sequined sandals – which GOD why didn’t Heather Dubrow get to those in time to throw them out in the closet clean-out – to wrench the mic from her daughter’s hand and wail “DREAM CATCHER”.
In her mind, Shannon imagined this song an ode to her marriage, I’m sure.
Shannon’s daughters, hopefully recognizing that they cannot carry a tune in a Louis Vuitton Speedy, seem to be doing this band thing for fun, but Shannon is taking it so seriously. I believe her when she says, ominously through narrowed eyes, that her daughters don’t know she’s their manager – YET. UGH.
Across town, Vicki is sorting mail in a neck brace while replaying Shannon’s ‘Get Well Soon’ voicemail over and over. We all know Vicki LOVES an affirmation and a sappy sentiment (however hollow, forced, and phony), but even she isn’t willing to up and accept Shannon’s attempt. “You’re not gettin’ a call back,” she mumbles, but she doesn’t delete the message.
Briana suggests that maybe Vicki should at least acknowledge Shannon’s call by texting back. Tamra and Heather are annoyed that Vicki didn’t respond. But why should she? I mean, Shannon has made it known over and over again that she doesn’t want a relationship with Vicki. She even admitted she only called because she felt she had to, so why should Vicki keep begging? I support this action.
One of Vicki‘s major relationship problems is that she can’t call a spade a spade! She will relentlessly badger and pursue unwilling relationships seemingly blind to the other person’s reaction. If Vicki would have let Brooks go the first time he dumped her, she would have spared herself a lot of fake cancer grief.
Vicki confesses that she’s desperate to date again and explains that people get married “because they don’t want to be alone.” She reveals her greatest fear when weighing the pros and cons of Tinder. “I don’t wanna be swiped!” she whines to Michael over Briana’s birthday lunch, at a Mexican restaurant, which becomes all about Vicki and her never-ending need for validation and love, the depth of which is like the bottomless bowl of chips and salsa, which can never be refilled enough times. No, Vicki doesn’t want to be swiped away, forgotten and ignored, she wants to be sexed! Vicki is surprised her children don’t want to hear about this as they all make gag faces. Briana smirkily acknowledges that her mother likes attention – even if the attention makes her the butt of every joke. Even if she’s cheers-ing to family that left her in the hospital and friends whose chose champs over her health.
Speaking of, Meghan Edmonds is STILL being blamed for anything and everything that happened in Glamis. It wasn’t Jesus who took the wheel of that ATV, it was apparently Meghan and she made it roll over the dunes just so she could intentionally call Tamra “reckless” all over town then rejoice in abandoning Vicki in the hospital. Tamra confesses to Mia, her abs and faith trainer, how she told Meghan to go to hell, but in Tamra’s mind that’s a step in the right direction because she wanted to say so much worse.
Again, TAMRA didn’t visit Vicki in the hospital, even though her ass was IN PALM SPRINGS at another hospital. Instead, she went back to Glamis to party with Heather and Kelly Dodd.
Shannon is moving in 3 minutes and hosting a packing party, and Tamra is upset because she’ll be forced to see Meghan, and give her the benefit of the doubt. Which is Tamra code for vindictively confront Meghan and then lecture us about Jesus.
Since Tamra is being forced to handle her nemesis, she forces Shannon to invite Kelly to the packing party.
Shannon has to move in a week, but it looks like she has not a single thing packed. Instead she’s warbling about adrenaline, and claiming she’s planning to pack the entire house herself! YEAH RIGHT.
Having Housewives come over to pack your house is sort of like inviting a swarm of bees over – like they’re just gonna make shit worse!
They will not help you breathe through the panic of realizing you own 68 extra coffee cups which were shoved into the deep recesses of your second kitchen. Or an entire closet full of various grandma lampshades, some dating back to 1994 when you actually loved your husband spontaneously, not because you had an obligatory family-oriented love over the life you’d built together. Which is why you collected lampshades, one for each time you turned the other cheek, or sucked in your breath and took another sip of vodka instead of a trip down memory lane to the happy days before 6 am school days or poopy diapers. Another lampshade for the time you found the text message from a certain woman named Nicole. Actually make that 10 lampshades, but nothing dimmed that slap in the face. All those lampshades did was shine a light on how much time you’ve spent collecting lampshades to shade your denial. And now all 300 of them must be packed and moved.
Even though Heather arrives with two rolls of bubble wrap, we all know she only brought them to pad one of the ladies in case of a fight.
In essence, Shannon has too much stuff, and no amount of Housewives arriving in heels and weirdly cut jumpsuits is gonna be helpful. Even worse, she’s forced to loiter awkwardly in the kitchen staring at Kelly, who finally burps out an apology in between guzzling champs, after Shannon realizes they’ll soon be neighbors. Finally, Tamra and Heather decide the thing to do is a closet clean-out, because NOTHING (and I mean this sincerely) is more cathartic and unifying than shifting through your friend’s clothes and tossing out all the ugly things. And Shannon, well, some of her crap was downright atrocious, and as Tamra and Kelly agree, “old lady.”
“You gotta sex up your wardrobe,” Tamra lectures, replacing Shannon’s Burberry blouses with a handful of her own BeBe halter tops, then dumping 3/4 of Shannon’s ballet flats and wedge heels into a burn pile. It’s weird because Shannon’s first season, I thought she looked really cute. Then suddenly David cheated and she morphed into Pat Nixon? All the pastel and pussy bows and frumpy clothes mixed with goofy platform sandals she bought from Kim Kardashian‘s eBay store… no.
When Meghan finally arrives, all packing ceases, and they have lunch on Shannon’s sofa, which is the same shade of red-orange both Tamra and Kelly were wearing. Did Tamra take that as a sign to fade into the background? Hell no! Instead she announces she’s leaving because SOME PEOPLE, people wearing a big sequined headband, don’t want to talk about ALL the things they DID WRONG. She means Meghan.
Tamra is outraged that Meghan “is going around town” accusing her of being reckless. Meghan inferred this after that phone call where Tamra confessed her over confidence is what led her to higher dunes. Meghan shoots back that Tamra, the Good Christian Witch, told her to “Go to hell!” and then it all kinda fizzled out like the tepid champagne left in Shannon’s glass. But Meghan is still, accurately, wondering why Shannon isn’t getting any blame for ditching Vicki at the hospital?
Shannon sidelines packing to have hair and makeup done on LOCK for their gig. This entire event made me sad. Instead of throwing the party in some kid-friendly venue where the girls friends could come to cheer them on, Shannon essentially made them do a school talent show performance in a bar for all her middle-aged friends, who all wore $4,000 leather jackets because that’s what they think looks rocker. This wasn’t an event for Shannon’s girls, this was an event for Shannon. So she could show off her mothering. Even Kelly was invited – haphazardly.
This gig just another example of Shannon and David inappropriately putting adulthood onto their kids.
Shannon was having fun until David’s mother and sister walked in, uninvited and unannounced. So while Shannon was woo-hooing and waving her lighter in the air to LOCK’s original song, Donna, mother of David, was whispering to Kelly, of all people, that Shannon hates her and therefore she never sees her granddaughters. Even Kelly was too momentarily shocked to react, and just said “Nooooooo…Shannon loves you.” Then Kelly grabbed Shannon to let her know what was up. That was the end of Kelly’s normal behavior.
Shannon cornered David to hiss that his mother was, once again, “an issue” that needed to be holistically and non-chemically exterminated from her otherwise amazing marriage. Meanwhile, Donna told Tamra and Kelly that David is a good man who made “one mistake,” because Shannon pushed him. Meaning she pushed him into cheating.
Well, that’s a mic drop.
David is responsible for his own wandering peen. He’s also a grown man who is responsible for being honest with his wife if he is so unhappy with Shannon. Instead, he confided in his kids and let them do part of his dirty work.
Not knowing the true extent of Donna’s gossip and with them being given the brush-off by David, Shannon ushers her friends upstairs, ignoring the kids. Shannon explains that David’s family has never accepted her and they are the ones who make the relationship unbearable. Which is when Tamra reveals that Donna blames Shannon for David’s affair.
“Are you f–king kidding me?!” Shannon bellows. She storms up to David in a rage to scream about his mother. In front of her kids. Shannon is outraged not only that Donna blames her for the affair, but that she told Tamra and Kelly, two strangers to her, extremely denigrating information.
While Shannon is shrieking at David and demanding he denounce his mother to all and sundry, Kelly interjects to defend Donna. Exactly WHY? This is where Kelly lost me. Tamra was no better, snickering behind her hands, and pretending she had no idea Shannon would fly into a rage since she’s supposedly “over” the affair. (She’s not. She never will be. Nada. Natch. Zilch. Not Happening.).
Shannon runs into the bathroom until David pries her out. In the vestibule between the men and women’s rooms, she insists he choose her, and defend her by making it clear that she in no way was responsible for his affair.
In the limo home the girls, who witnessed Shannon‘s eruption, ask what happened with grandma. David tries to tactfully explain that she said some inappropriate things about mommy, which she believes, “but aren’t necessarily true.” Shannon can’t just let this choice of words go for her kids, she barks at David, over Stella‘s head, that he’s not being honest, forcing David to reword his statement and over-disclose too adult information to the girls.
Why can’t Shannon realize being close to your kids doesn’t mean viewing them as peers? Why can’t Vicki? Such a bummer for the girls that their gig was completely overtaken by mommy and daddy’s affair drama, Shannon’s histrionics, family issues, and room full of middle-aged women who couldn’t pick the members of LOCK out of a lineup.
TELL US – DID SHANNON OVERREACT TO DONNA’S COMMENTS? IS VICKI HIGH-MAINTENANCE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
A bad photo of Shannon’s closet full of lampshades. Did she have another one full of blinds?
