Close your eyes with me for a moment and imagine this: A Little Women: LA episode not prominently featuring the abysmal hellfire of Briana Renee and her dirtball husband, Matt Ericson (Grundhoffer). Like, at all. Now open your eyes! Because our prayers have been answered – at least for this week.
Yes, my friends, we have been spared one full hour of nonstop Briana drama to focus on, well, totally unrelated drama between Terra Jole and Tonya Banks. So, okay, it is not a perfect world. It is kind of like we’ve been pulled up from the 7th circle of Dante’s Inferno to…I don’t know, the 5th circle? But I’ll take it!
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We begin at Jasmine Sorge’s home, where Terra and baby Penny are visiting Jasmine and her son Mason. Twelve weeks pregnant, Jasmine is grateful to have another pregnant mama of baby #2 by her side. Both ladies muse how their firstborns will be good a big brother/sister to their second children.
Penny is growing at her own pace and still faces health challenges, but is doing well right now. Terra is preparing to carry around 2 babies in 12 weeks though, as it will be a while before Penny walks. Jasmine’s first trimester includes a lot of heartburn. Yawn. Terra decides to spice things up with a plan to get the girls together for a henna party.
At Briana’s baby shower, Terra reacted like an insanely confused person whose 9th language is English when Tonya spoke about Briana’s baby. Briana is having a little person baby, which Tonya thought was a blessing because an average sized boy under Matt’s spell might eventually become yet another threat in her household. It may have been a stretch, but Tonya had a point. This point was utterly lost on Terra, though, who thought Tonya was just all “Yeah! Team Little People!” and was dissing average sized babies. Which would be ridiculous, considering Tonya’s daughter is average sized.
Terra will not or cannot see Tonya‘s point. Jasmine (of course) hops on board to kvetch with Terra about Tonya’s “crazy” statements. She loves her average sized Mason! And nobody should be choosing sides like this! These women are either: A) hormonal, B) delusional, or C) all of the above.
I know I promised no Briana/Matt drama, but we do make a pit stop at their home to see them getting their nursery ready, complete with a “Mama’s Little Bad Boy” onsesie. The stupid is strong with these two. Matt is wondering what it’s going to be like having a little person as a son. Briana thinks he’ll be an awesome and wonderful and perfect dad to their new son! Because that’s the world she lives in. They both enjoyed the baby shower, especially because Christy McGinity didn’t show up. Plus, Briana is hopeful that she and Terra can move forward peacefully after their positive conversation there. Matt reads from a teleprompter says he’s happy for Briana and Terra.
Tonya has dragged Kerwin out to shop for new duds. She wants him to upgrade the wardrobe, even though he’s not allowed to park any of it in her closet. Kerwin obliges by trying on some hideous polka dot shirt, but he asserts his manhood by questioning Tonya about Jaa yet again. Jaa still has some of Tonya’s sh*t. Why has she not picked it up yet? Is she having trouble cutting ties? Tonya says no. It just that Jaa hasn’t been available for her to stop by. It’s tough to get huffy in short sleeved dress shirt that screams “I am an unemployed accountant,” but Kerwin manages it somehow, telling Tonya in no uncertain terms: Go get your stuff from him ASAP, or Kerwin is OUT!
Tonya’s got bigger fish to fry, like the launching of her new little person line, “Little Boss Body Active Wear.” She stops by her studio (is this a studio of some kind!?) with Terra to preview some pieces. Terra, still pissed about Tonya’s comments, goes hard on Tonya’s designs. Tonya’s workout video was, in fact, “a janky mess,” as Terra recalls. So she wants to help Tonya not make the same mistakes with her active wear. <side eye>
Immediately after seeing Tonya’s logo, Terra incredulously questions the lotus flower. What is this!? What does it represent!? Are these spiritual PANTS!? Tonya stammers something out about the lotus flower representing her personality. Terra’s like, “huh?” Shouldn’t the logo be a set of brass knuckles or something? Terra assures Tonya she has her best interests at heart, but her delivery leaves something to be desired. Tonya is #BummedOut.
Elena Gant and hubby Preston are finally home after the birth of their twins, Kairo and Xavier, but sadly the twins are not with them. They are still in the NICU for an undetermined amount of time. Elena stands in the nursery, heartbroken that they don’t get to come home all together as a family. She never imagined this outcome. Preston assures her that babies are always unpredictable, that it will be okay in the end. Their sons are getting stronger every day, already each over 4 pounds.
Elena knows the hospital is taking excellent care of her sons, but she’s still sad. Understandably. Preston tries to reassure her that they’ll have their babies soon. Every moment without them is an agony though, so Elena wants to head back to the hospital right away. God, my heart just hurts for these two. (Thank goodness we know the babies are home and healthy now, or I don’t think I could actually watch this!!)
Meanwhile, Christy and Todd are out to lunch discussing their own family issues. Christy’s daughter, Autumn, has been having stomach pain. In the past, Christy would have had Briana for support, but that ship has sailed. She heard that Briana’s baby shower was good, but she thinks it’s suspect that Briana’s family wasn’t invited. Todd reminds her that will never happen. Christy would have invited them, she says. She doesn’t care if Briana cuts her off, changes her number, or moves to Mars. She will never be sorry for communicating with Briana’s family while she was being isolated by her abuser in the hospital. What if Briana dies? Christy is like, not on my watch! Good for her.
Bad news comes via Todd’s cell: Autumn is throwing up at home, and quite scared. They need to call the doctor immediately. Christy looks authentically frightened.
At Terra’s, she fills Joe in on Tonya’s active wear. Her logo is beat. Joe suggests the brass knuckles idea and…I cannot believe I’m sharing a brain with Joe Gnoffo. #Chills (It’s a solid idea though, no?) Not only is the logo terrible, Terra says Tonya’s spent too much money on this endeavor to ever make money on it. Her line can’t compete with the present market.
More to the point, Terra is still raw about her perception that Tonya likes little babies more than average sized babies. If Tonya thinks Briana can’t handle an average sized child, she must think the same of Terra. Only having Terra’s side of the story, Joe questions Tonya’s comments. Why would she say that? he wonders. Um, Joe: She didn’t. Can somebody just roll tape on last week’s episode, please!?!?!
Back at Christy’s house, they are home from the hospital with news of Autumn having a large cyst (baseball size, says Christy) on her ovary. She doesn’t want to eat, even though Christy is trying to force feed her. She’s nauseous and in pain. If Autumn’s cyst ruptures, she could be in even greater pain. And she could experience infertility issues as a result. Christy feels helpless, but all she can do is monitor her for now.
It’s time for henna! Terra and Jasmine arrive at their henna soiree first. Jasmine’s heartburn is so severe, she went to the ER recently, and even packed a bland lunch for the day. Terra talks smack with Jasmine about Tonya’s workout line, which Jasmine agrees doesn’t sound like a good idea. She encourages Terra to be honest with Tonya, but perhaps henna day isn’t the right place for this, er, intervention.
After Briana and Tonya arrive, the ladies get painted. Then they get talking about Christy. Briana is still pissed that Christy hired her old publicist, Julie. She thinks it’s fishy, which yeah, it might indeed be. The ladies agree. “That’s like dating your ex boyfriend right behind your back,” snarks Jasmine. Ummm, not quite, girl. But Briana doesn’t trust Christy, nevertheless. Seems like no one else in this group does either.
Conversation turns to Tonya’s lotus flower logo, which she’s researched on the internet apparently, because she has some rehearsed lines to spew about it “sprouting through muddy water” and symbolizing strength and resilience and…ugh. Does Tonya not know that the lotus is on every damn yoga tag from here to China, dating back to 1994?
Terra doesn’t want to stir the pot right now, which is shocking! So Jasmine asks Briana about Matt instead. COME ON. We were nearly home free! Briana spews her own rehearsed lines about “working on their communication,” then trails off to envision her future life filled with mom, baby, daddy, and daddy’s Tinder girlfriend.
Jasmine‘s heartburn is on fire, so she takes her leave. Briana ominously cheers, “We have nothing to fight about right now!” just before Terra decides to launch into her many, many criticisms of Tonya‘s love life and business endeavors. Tonya says Kerwin is stressing about Jaa, which Terra understands. She’s Team Kerwin on this one. Tonya wants Terra to step off. But Terra is just getting started. She’s scared about Tonya’s new line – her logo is hurting her. Tonya is also not hearing this. She doesn’t criticize Terra’s bad business ideas, so Terra needs to stay in her own lane.
“I’m not trying to tear your brand down,” defends Terra. But that’s exactly what it sounds like to Tonya. Between Terra and Kerwin, Little Boss is feeling the burn from all angles. As she marches out mumbling, “That’s buuuuullsh*t!” she might be wondering if she can still beg Jaa to take her back after all.
In a calmer scene, Terra visits Elena at her home. Elena looks great, but has been feeling miserable. She is pumping milk, hopeful that she can feed her babies at home soon. And she’s gotten good news – they might come home tomorrow! YES! It’s been two weeks, not the four they’d predicted.
Because they can’t dwell on good news for too long, Terra starts right in on the Tonya drama. She breaks it down for Elena, who assures Terra that she did the right thing. She says constructive criticism is always helpful, and Tonya had plenty of it for Elena when it came to her makeup line, after all. Terra thinks Tonya is a hypocrite: She can always serve the shade, but she has a hard time taking it. Hmmm. That sounds a little more descriptive of Terra than Tonya, no?
Back at Tonya’s, she’s hefting boxes up on garage shelves. Boxes filled with stuff she picked up from Jaa, which makes Kerwin happy. She hasn’t retrieved everything yet, though, which sends Kerwin spinning into an official hissy fit. Damn, Kerwin! Settle yourself, man. He’s all, “You’re wasting my time! Just go off with him, then!” Someone is not feeling too secure in his insta-relationship, it seems. If Kerwin is going to get this twisted over a few boxes of unsold, unbranded merchandise hanging around some dude’s house, how’s he going to go the distance in this or any relationship? Tonya’s lotus flower has officially wilted.
TELL US: WAS TERRA OUT OF LINE TO CRITICIZE TONYA’S LOGO? IS KERWIN OVERREACTING?
Photo Credit: Lifetime
