Welcome back to Little Women: LA, the show that never stops filming! It seems like season 4 was just wrapping when BAM! Season 5 is suddenly upon us. I, for one, couldn’t be happier. Lifetime must know that they cannot take a hiatus with these women, lest someone chuck a glass at someone else’s head between seasons. Plus, nearly everyone has had or is having babies these days, so every minute counts. I say, let’s just strap Go Pros to everyone’s heads and be done with it!
When we left off on season 4, Christy McGinity and Terra Jole had temporarily laid down their swords over their altercation at line dancing night, with Christy bitterly reviving the whole mess at the LWLA Reunion. She still claims a concussion diagnosis. Tonya Banks had forced convinced her ex, Kerwin, to leave his lady friend and take up with her. Jasmine Sorge’s hubby was relegated to busing tables at his father in law’s restaurant, having not found work close to home. Elena Gant and hubby Preston were expecting twin boys – awwwww! And Briana Renee and Matt Ericson (Grundhoffer) were, well, how do I put this? A HELLISH MESS. Oh – also, Jasmine’s pregnant, Terra’s pregnant, Briana’s pregnant, you’re pregnant, I’m pregnant (kidding!). It’s a virtual baby bonanza up in here!
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Now back to season 5. Elena is 7 months pregnant, tired, 50 pounds heavier, but healthy. She and Preston go to a “specialist” to learn about carseat/stroller systems, which are a feat to handle as a little person. Elena is stressed out about how she’ll manage not one, but two babies. Preston calms her down with his zen like ways, prodding her to perhaps rethink her car, and encouraging her to do a spa day. “Invite the girls!” he suggests. Which, um, is the LAST thing pregnant Elena needs at her spa day. Elena hasn’t seen the girls in a month and doesn’t have a problem with any of them right now, but knows they got lotsa problems with each other.
Cut to Christy’s house, where her parents are still living with her, she’s homeschooling her daughter Autumn, and the “adoption door is still open.” Christy’s mom asks her about her headaches to get more hearsay proof on camera and Christy whines that she’s still suffering from the concussion. Terra still refuses to apologize, and Christy is hurt about being called a liar. She has dropped the charges though because she didn’t want the situation to escalate further. Mmmm hmmm.
At Tonya’s, she’s making room in her closet for Kerwin – to sleep in? Terra, 6 months pregnant, visits. Terra and Joe aren’t doing any genetic testing again, and this time, they’re also not finding out the gender beforehand. Tonya tells Terra she’s cleaning out a guest room closet for Kerwin since she’s already stuffed hers with 1992 blazers. Terra still doesn’t know if this Kerwin-moving-in thing is a brilliant idea. She also suspects Kerwin’s ultimatum is fishy: that Tonya cut ex-boyfriend Jaa (who’s her current business partner) totally out of her life. Tonya hasn’t told Jaa this news yet.
Talk turns to Elena’s spa day, which will include Christy. Terra isn’t speaking to her, and she asserts that the DA, not Christy, is the one who dropped charges due to insufficient evidence. Terra’s feelings are not confused when it comes to Christy: “I despise Christy. I f-kin hate Christy,” she seethes. “I will never, ever be friends with that ho again! Things will never be the same.” So, Terra, tell us you really feel? Dayum!
At the beauty shop, Jasmine and Terra are makeup shopping. The unlikely duo have become close, which Jasmine is grateful for. Jasmine confesses she’s also trying to have a baby. They discuss Elena’s spa day, followed by dinner afterward, at which the husbands will join the fray fun. Joe and Todd haven’t seen each other since the DA’s decision, and Terra feels Joe will get all, well, JOE, on him.
They discuss Briana next, who is now avoiding Jasmine, as well as everyone else. So, Jasmine, how’s it feel knowing the REAL Briana now? After finding out about Matt sexting other women while Briana was pregnant, Jasmine went from Briana’s lone ally to betrayed/shocked friend – just like the others.
Fired up at the reunion, and on Briana’s Ride or Die spinoff, Jasmine didn’t mince words about Matt: she wants to strangle him, she thinks he’s untrustworthy, she can’t believe Briana would take him back after his chronic lies. Agree, agree, agree. For Jasmine, who was Matt’s pathetic defender all last season, her bitterness is fresh. As for the other women, they are just so beaten down by the sad-sackiness of Briana’s situation, all they can manage are half hearted eye rolls at this point.
Back at Christy’s, she’s sitting down with Autumn for some homeschooling lessons, which Autumn isn’t making easy. She doesn’t want her mom to manage her independent studies, nor does she want her to manage her dating life. Apparently, Autumn has some British 19-year old boyfriend lingering around somewhere. Huh? Autumn, 16, wants to move out and live her own life because, like most teenagers, she thinks throwing a tantrum about being an adult makes her case. Christy is exasperated.
Cue the music from The Conjuring: We join Briana and Matt next, who are touring their new house that Briana is paying for. Too soon! Too soon! I just got these two windexed off my TV screen, and they reappear like ghostly specters of dysfunction in less than a month. Sigh. Anyway, Briana is 5 months pregnant, delusional as ever, and hoping to make her happy family dream work in this new home. They both discuss moving forward, which Briana says will be tough because she’ll never fully trust him. Ya THINK!? Always the poet, Matt says, “I swear, I’ll pack up my sh*t and move out of the house before I’ll ever embarrass you like that again!” Which begs the question: Why not just keep a duffel bag with a dirty t-shirt at the ready? #FamilyPlanning
At Tonya’s studio, she’s meeting with Jaa about the athletic clothing line she’s developing for little people. She doesn’t want to cut off her partnership with Jaa, but is desperate for a man wants to please Kerwin, so she tells Jaa about the ultimatum. “This sounds like some bullsh*t,” says Jaa. Yup. But Tonya is a woman of a certain age who has clubbed her man over the head, and is in the process of dragging him back to her cave. So she stands firm while Jaa wishes her well, then departs. The deed is done.
At Terra’s she’s grooming their dogs and discussing Christy with Joe, who’s lost 25 pounds since filming wrapped last season – a major accomplishment for a little person. Baby Penny is doing well, but is still getting MRIs monthly to monitor her brain and spinal chord. Joe comments on Todd’s weight loss (has there been any?), which he’d be willing to help him out with. Joe hates Christy and never wants to be around her again, but suspects that Todd ain’t so bad. He doesn’t think Todd agreed with Christy’s fake injury move. In any case, he’s not thrilled to hear that he’ll have to see them at Elena’s post-spa dinner. He flat out refuses to go, asking, “Why would you want to be around a person who tried to throw you in jail?” Answer: a paycheck.
Spa day! Elena and Jasmine arrive, followed by Terra and Tonya. No sooner do they have their plush robes on, when Terra confronts Elena. Why did she invite Christy!?!?! Elena, feeling huge and tired, sighs that she’s over it and just wants the group to have a drama free day. When Christy arrives, Terra refuses to hug her. “We’re good,” she barks when Christy approaches her.
One subject all of these ladies can agree to discuss: the sewage pile that is Briana’s marriage. Christy intimates that she’s found out even more “raunchy stuff” about Matt, but refuses to talk about it behind Briana’s back. She has no intentions of helping Matt out with his supposed “addictions” though, as she claimed during the reunion. Terra is annoyed by Christy’s new close-lipped tactic. This is the woman who went to TMZ about Terra after all, so why the withering flower stance now?
Also, why is Briana not at spa day? Christy calls her, but it goes to voicemail. Even though she’s SWORN to keep mum about this new dirt on Matt, Christy can’t help herself. She confesses to Jasmine in a side conversation that Matt is still talking to other women. Cue my absolute shock…never. So, who’s Matt’s latest target? Little woman? Big woman? Old tire on the side of the road? Farm animal? #HesNotPicky
Christy says it’s a trans model (Plastic Martyr) who gave Matt her number at Christy’s anniversary party. So, what are they texting about? Classic Russian Literature? Pleather jacket sales in the area? Jasmine can only imagine what fresh hell awaits Briana. Upon rejoining the group, Christy just goes ahead and spills the dirt to them all. No one is surprised. It’s just depressing and mundane at this point.
It’s only when Elena gets a text from Matt later that they find out the newest development: Briana has been rushed to the hospital with pregnancy complications. Matt claims he’s crying and that Briana might go into pre-term labor. Terra calls bullsh*t on all of it. But they are worried about her, despite Matt’s fake melodrama. Christy thinks the anxiety sent her to the hospital. Jasmine is disgusted with Matt, as is everyone who walks the planet.
At dinner, Preston, Chris, and Joe – surprisingly – join the group. Todd will come later. Oy! Terra falls hard walking into the restaurant, but she’s okay. Joe makes a lawsuit joke immediately, which isn’t lost on Christy. He also asks where Briana and Matt are, so Jasmine fills him in on the hospitalization. Tonya thinks the info is bogus, as does Terra. Terra claims the hospital would check for pre-term labor immediately, not hours after being there. And they’re all put off by Matt making it all about HIS pain, HIS drama in the text. (Are they new here? Do they not get that this guy is narcissistic pond scum yet?)
Joe turns it around on Christy though, who he snarks is just as bad as Matt for selling her sob stories to TMZ. Christy knew Joe was going to act like a drunken ass, because well, he is one. Drilling Christy about the charges, Joe gets more heated, so Christy gets up to go. He screams that he doesn’t want an apology, he just wants Christy to admit she had “a fake f-kin head injury!” Terra, of course, loves this. Christy suggests AA before walking away, Joe calling her an ugly tw*t on the way out. Somebody’s acting ugly around here, but it ain’t Christy this time.
Well, strap in folks! The previews of season 5 suggest more fallout from the lawsuit, more pregnancy drama, and more…Matt. What could be scarier!?
TELL US: DOES CHRISTY OWE TERRA AN APOLOGY, OR VICE VERSA? IS TONYA DELUSIONAL ABOUT KERWIN? IS BRIANA’S HEALTH SCARE BOGUS?
Photo Credit: Lifetime
