I hate Mondays, y’all. Or rather, I hate Mondays until I get my Southern Charm fix! Nothing is more hilariously rich than Ms. Pat using the phrase “bitch slapping,” am I right? As the recaps for this bourbon and bow-tied deliciousness are a tad verbose for my liking, let’s get to the meat (medium rare dry-aged rib eye from Hall’s, naturally) without the pleasantries of an introduction, shall we?
After a big night out for Shepstradamus’ birthday, Kathryn Dennis is recovering on Jennifer Snowden’s sofa having gotten into a fight with tequila and losing to Jose Cuervo. Jennifer attempts to cure her friend’s hangover with “rich people water,” listening to Kathryn lament about her current situation with Thomas Ravenel. Kathryn doesn’t care if T-Rav is mad that she spent the night away from Kensington, she’s just so exhausted from trying to make things work. Kathryn thought they were a team, but Sandy Duncan is hellbent on causing a rift between the couple with her campaign planning mojo. Across town, Shepard “Shep” Rose calls Landon Clements as he struggles to iron his shirt on the corner of his bedside table. He’s getting ready to show his mother the progress on his house, and he needs to look presentable. Who was as surprised as I was to learn that Shep owns an iron? And who found it as adorable as I did when he joked he was holding out for the right ironing board? Season 2 Shep is head and broad shirtless shoulders above his season 1 counterpart! Mama Shep is everything you’d expect her to be, and she’s a bit concerned about his transitional neighborhood. Reminding us that he’s still a bit of a douche, Shep points out a neighbor’s Audi that he promises isn’t stolen. Mama Shep has already bought the home’s furnishings (she still dresses him for goodness sake!), and she urges him to get an oven, if not for soup then at least for resale value. Now that Shep has a house, she’s ready for him to lock down a spouse. Shep admits that he has an upcoming date…that’s a start!
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Landon and Cameran Eubanks are meeting for brunch to discuss Cooper Ray’s upcoming Founders Day Ball. Who is Landon going to take as her escort? More importantly, what happened after Cameran left Shep’s birthday ruckus? Landon recaps partying with Kathryn and Shep until the wee hours, and Cameran questions whether a mother should be pulling all-nighters. Landon can relate to Kathryn’s predicament as it’s similar to her young marriage. She wants her new friend to make it work with T-Rav. However, Landon also thinks Kathryn shouldn’t miss out on her youth or she’ll grow to regret it later. Cameran is relieved to be out of the game, having found the perfect partner in Jason after a dating resume filled with ego-maniacs. Landon’s father always advised her that people should wait until at least thirty to wed, so Cameran is in the clear.
A struggling Kathryn is tending to baby Kensie when Thomas finally makes an appearance at their downtown abode to embrace her in a sluggish hug. He doesn’t begrudge her a night on the town, but he hopes that Kathryn remembers that her support and her role in their household is of the utmost importance to his campaign. He tells Kathryn he misses her, and he seems sincere, but Kathryn isn’t willing to forgive him at this point. T-Rav hopes that after the campaign, they can focus on their romance and fall back in love. She asks whether he’ll be able to join her at Cooper’s ball, but he’s on the fence. He equates the invitation to Kathryn’s desire to get married. They are like two people moving separately around the same small kitchen, and it’s sad to watch. Kathryn asserts that Thomas needs to recognize that his family will be the only constant throughout the campaign, but even she’s not holding her breath.
At Casa de Belevederes, Patrica Altschul is micro-managing her butler and her footman. The number two servant’s martini making skills aren’t quite refined enough to earn him the coveted title of butler…yet. We’ve still got most of the season though, so I’m rooting for him! Pat is mixing up the seating chart and donning each pricey limoges setting with a chocolate alligator sporting the guest’s name. She’s decided to go with a stag theme, only inviting son Whitney Sudler-Smith’s gentleman friends, as certain girls in the group (to which hillbilly femme fatale could she be referring?) tend to bring too much drama. Whitney questions her alligator decor, but Pat leaves no detail unattended. After all, the humping gator figurines are in front of Shep’s seat for a reason. As Shep and Craig Conover head to Pat’s (Is Shep driving a Jeep Cherokee? How very plebeian of him!), they cite that whatever hostess gift they bring will wind up as the dogs’ dessert. Thomas and Cooper arrive, dapper as ever, and the men discuss the rich history of the Holy City sans smoking jackets and cigars. At dinner, Patricia summons her staff with a bell as Shep revels in the homemade chocolate sauce for the ham.
As the chatter turns to the upcoming Founders Ball, Cooper shares that he’s anticipating approximately one hundred guests at his soiree. As in life, one must be escorted. Whitney knows a few services he can contact for just that reason (advertised on the bathroom stalls at Republic, no doubt), and T-Rav mumbles that Kathryn may be attending. A fellow celebrator teases that Patricia must have known the conversation could turn improper due to the all male guest list, but Craig gets a kick out of Whitney’s dynamic with his mother. He interjects that he will be taking his bros to Delaware the following weekend to spend quality time with his family. It will be a lot like this dinner, only no one will have to sell a kidney on the black market if they accidentally break a champagne flute. When Patricia tries to find common ground with Craig by recalling a beach house she once owned in Delaware, Craig interrupts to drop the f-bomb. Whitney’s eyebrows disappear into his hairline, and Shep not-so-subtly hits his friend under the table. Um, manners? Ms. Pat recovers like a champ(agne?), and the snafu is over, but I’m sure not forgotten. She gives Thomas a platform to discuss his campaign’s progress, and Whitney takes the opportunity to grill his friend about political spending. As Whitney chastises T-Rav for not running the ads Whitney produced, Thomas begins yelling about how Whitney cost him support in the polls. Thomas accuses Whitney of being Lindsey Graham in drag (How would that work and how can I make it into some sort of reality show of my own?). Cooper squires Pat out of the melee and into the drawing room before the bitch-slapping/napkin swatting can commence. As Whitney and T-Rav joust with the Old Master, Shep and Craig bob their heads back and forth as if they’re watching a rousing match of ping-pong.
At Society Hall, Cooper is putting the finishing touches on the evening’s gala, and he’s spared no lavish detail in its execution. Kathryn is crossing her fingers that T-Rav will be done shaking hands in plenty of time for their grand entrance. On Sullivans Island, Craig and Shep are pre-gaming with walkie-talkies because that’s what Lost Boys do. Shep is taking a young lady he met at his birthday hoopla, and he’s not willing to shave. His look is “just rolled out of bed” chic. Shep hounds Craig via two-way radio as the law grad channels his inner RHONJ style with a black on black tux. The guys hit the road after squirreling away a pocketful of koozies for their roadies. 10-4, over and out. Downtown, Cameran, Landon, Danni, and Jennifer are getting dolled up for their escorts. Cameran has substituted her doctor husband for her favorite runway ready piece of gay arm candy, and Landon bemoans the downside of bringing a date to an event where one hopes to meet an eligible bachelor. As it turns out, T-Rav wasn’t schmoozing on the campaign trail before the ball, he’s lubed up on hand sanitizer to greet all of Cooper’s Founders Day invitees, one of whom is my talented friend whose gorgeous table is the envy of anyone who enters my tiny home (in all honesty, said table belongs to my landlord…for now).
When a fellow guest inquires as to Kathryn’s whereabouts, T-Rav remembers he needs to avoid her potential wrath by scooping up his date. As he leaves, Craig and crew crush their beers before exiting the limo. The couples are announced to the crowd, much to the chagrin of Cameran. While the gala is not quite up to Truman Capote standards, it’s a solid showing for Patricia who loves seeing the canine guests mingling with city’s elite. Everyone is dressed to the tens, and Shep is hopeful that his date’s ability to affix his cuff links will transform into a meaningful romance…or at least a hook up that lasts longer than Craig’s attention span for bar study. Upon Kathryn and T-Rav’s entrance, one could hear a pin drop (or did I accidentally hit mute as the band roars an old Tams favorite?), and she is less than thrilled by Thomas’ lack of concern for her feelings. Kathryn finds his conduct to be nothing more than a show for the public, but he refuses to entertain her complaints. Landon clearly discovered the Founders’ bar, and she decides to play therapist to the bickering pair. Kathryn looks exactly like Emma Stone as she powers through the awkwardness.
Admittedly, I don’t know much, but I do know that if Extreme Akim summons your ass when you’re passed out shirtless from an evening of debauchery involving Club Trio, there’s going to be hell to pay…maybe even “an eye for an eye.” Craig receives a call from the office just as he settles into “working from home,” and he hightails it to the Anastapoulo mansion. Not one to turn down midday wine from a man wielding the bat of justice, Criag settles in for a reaming from his boss. With his best Donald Trump comb-over, Akim delivers Craig that dreaded phrase…”You’re fired.” What, no Big Sugar Ray to bounce Craig’s arse back to Broad Street?
TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LAST NIGHT’S EPISODE? WHO WERE THE BEST DRESSED OF THE FOUNDERS BALL? WAS T-RAV A TOTAL CAD FOR GOING EARLY WITHOUT KATHRYN?
[Photo Credit: Bravo]
