Last night Celebrity Apprentice lost two Housewives, a former MLB player with a secret jingle-writing hobby, an I-anfant the Terrible, and Vivica A Fox‘s phone. Donald Trump needs to get organized over there!
In the first challenge the teams create a photobomb campaign of King’s Hawaiian bread in NYC. Geraldo Rivera is momentarily silent, still trapped in the hyper-alert mindset of Vivica and Kenya Moore‘s war. He compares working with those two to being in Afghanistan. I’ve never been to Afghanistan but after the many-years reign of terror Krayonce has inflicted upon me, I can attest to needing therapy. Naturally Kenya announces herself project manager.
On the other team Johnny Damon rises to the occasion. Which, thanks to Brandi Glanville‘s dirty mind, also becomes their slogan. Hey – someone had to stop Ian Ziering from composing a 45-minute sermon of 1984’s best marketing catchphrases. He has watched a few episodes of Mad Men, which makes him an expert.
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Ian rises to the occasion himself by supplying a helicopter so they can take aerial photographs of NYC’s best landmarks. I-an sure does have a lot of ‘phone a friend’ cards to cash in – what is this guy like the blackmailer of Hollywood? Does he run an escort service and have dirt on all of America’s wealthiest and most power individuals? Is that why Geraldo hates him – because he was not included in the club for being one mustache short of a full beard? I so hope I-an is secretly dastardly. I so hope I-an’s life is way more exciting than 90210 ever was.
Team Infinity is up and away. But Team Vortex is twirling out of control and it all comes down to big fake buns. Kenya gives a pep talk to Vivica (taser primed under the table) and Geraldo (twirling his mustache, envisioning how he can work this implosion to his favor). Despite last week’s boardroom Kenyanigans, she wants them to “reset” and start fresh.
It turns out Kenya only wants to reset her DVR, which has incidentally recorded several airings of Booty Call, because she is rude to Vivica the entire time.
Kenya’s theme is to play on the cultural significance of butts. Specifically fake butts. Kenya is taking King’s Hawaiian to a territory she is all too familiar with… She plans to transpose images of King’s Hawaiian buns onto women’s butts with slogans, “I like big buns” and “Girls just wanna have buns!” Cute idea, but then it goes haywire as Kenya twirls off the spectrum of sanity, and decides they’ll have a baby reaching for a woman’s butt with the slogan, “I Luv Buns.” Geraldo and Vivica immediately tell her the baby isn’t a good idea, but Kenya would not be deterred.
There is much talk of whose butt will be featured in the campaign. I naturally assumed Geraldo would be reprising his role of underwear clad selfie model with the slogan “All The King’s Buns” but it surprisingly came down to Kenya or Vivica.
Geraldo spent about 15 minutes discussing how iconic Krayonce’s rear-end is, apparently confusing her with Kim Kardashian – or not – something tells me Geraldo was doing this intentionally to play both Kenya and Vivica’s weaknesses: ego. One he knows all too well! #AchilliesAss “You’ve got the perfect body for this,” he leered to Kenya. “Your butt is bigger than Vivica’s.” Geraldo is an evil-genius!
Geraldo needs a reminder that sexual harassment went out of style about the last time he was considered a serious journalist, but Kenya laps it up like the cat that got cream. And Vivica was seething.
They hit the streets in search of asses, blithely unaware they’ve already got plenty! Kenya didn’t cast any professional models – well unless you count Krayonce! Geraldo is the rather unprofessional camera man, who needs a dental dam to catch his drool. Vivica attempts to get involved by volunteering to be in a few photos with the “models,” but Kenya delegated Vivica to hold her coat after announcing she was too fat. Vivica was le sad, standing off to the sidelines dabbing at her false eyelashes with Kenya’s borrowed designer.
Kenya threatens that if Vivica tries to throw her under the bus she’ll drive the bus over Vivica. #GirlsJustWannaHaveCriminalRecords.
Then Geraldo waxes poetic about how Kenya’s spanx are holding up the most monumental derriere since the time Madonna hailed a cab naked in NYC for her Sex book – did you know Geraldo took the photograph?! I will agree that Kenya’s propensity for being an ass is iconic!
Kenya demands Vivica to sit, hunched-over, on the side of a fountain – “I don’t want to see your face!” – while a toddler reaches for her “buns”. It was… odd. “Wonderful photo, Geraldo,” Kenya purrs, dumping her purse on Vivica’s head, knocking her wig off-kilter.
Back in the office, Vivica expresses concern about the cartoonish direction Kenya’s campaign is taking when she places animated photos of buns over the women’s actual butts. All that is forgotten, however, when Vivica discovers her phone is missing. No one thought to check Kenya’s buns!
I imagine it went like this: Geraldo mildly suggests that Vivica leaves her phone unattended often, and he just so happens to know that her passcode is her ‘measurements’ – he’s confirmed this working covertly with a tape measure and some ex-ray vision night goggles provided to him by the CIA. He suggests that Vivica’s behavior is rather off because of her menopause, which she has been taking estrogen for and discussing at length with Leeza Gibbons, a fact confirmed when he installed a nanny cam in the break room. He may have suggested that Kenya practice what she preaches concerning her stealth motives of twirlstruction, and nab Vivica’s phone. Or perhaps, being kind, alert people that Vivica needs help managing her menopause.
Or Kenya just nabbed it and started tweeting. Who knows!
In another perfectly ironic moment, Brandi’s plastic surgery is making her face resemble a puffy King’s Hawaiian roll. Too many fillers! But their team is classily and smartly working along, guided patiently by Leeza’s suggestions and some excellently rendered photoshop.
Without a doubt the King’s Hawaiian executives did not love or understand #BabiesLuvBuns – which was deemed “off message” and confusing given that the brand is “family-friendly.”
So Johnny won, but then we all lost when Vivica and Kenya erupted into a verbal sparring over whether Donald Trump approves of “ghetto” (no), whose buns Geraldo prefers (Ivanka’s – shhhh… don’t tell Donald!) and where exactly IS VIvica’s cell phone (stolen), because it has found itself possessed and was tweeting some rather odd things.
Kenya insists she has been the paragon of perfection throughout this show, and nothing but “helpful” and “friendly” to Vivica throughout this competition, as Vivica has struggled since day one. Kenya’s definitions of “helpful” and “friendly” are very bizarre. Just like her concept of how to sell buns – of any kind!
It seems rather suspicious when Kenya tells Donald she blames Vivica’s erratic behavior on menopause, which Vivica is experiencing given, that Vivica just tweeted, yesterday to be precise, that menopause is making her crazy.
Perhaps it was karma since Vivica blamed Shawn’s poor performance on PMS, but I will say Donald and Geraldo are getting a better education on women’s health than they’ve learned from their 52,000 wives.
Vivica completely denied the tweet and called Kenya a “dirty ass bitch” to which Kenya screeched Vivica was “calling me out of my name!” Kenya needs to look up the definition of that expression. Vivica says she doesn’t tweet that much, plus her phone was missing – stolen, apparently! – so now they must verify whether said tweet exists – is this CA or CSI: New York?! Call the forensics team – or Don Jr.
Don Jr. was made to read, “This menopause is killing me. I can’t think straight. I’m acting a damn fool half the time. 50 just isn’t sexy.” The hard part was keeping the straight-ish face.
Not keeping a straight face, was Kenya, whose smirk gave it all away – right when Donald demanded proof of the tweet. Vivica points at “toxic trick” and accuses “That one” of stealing her phone and hacking her twitter, which Kenya denies. Did no one use “Find My Phone” app? Did Vivica press charges? Apparently the phones were provided to them for the show and donated by a sponsor so it’s not their actual phones.
Geraldo announces he once worked for the NY District Attorney’s office (not to be confused with the time he played an attorney on Law & Order) and that what happened to Vivica’s phone is illegal. He demands a search warrant. And Donald demands to know why Kenya is so “nasty” and cannot get along with anyone?
Kenya ignores the question and starts gushing about how perfect and amazing and super and fabulous Donald is, how she idolizes him which is why she is not ghetto and classless like Vivica. “You just said she was menopausal on national television!” Donald interjected, referring to Kenya’s behavior as “a new low.” Taking It Too Far and Too Low: The Kenya Moore Story
Donald fires Kenya and a collective cheer went up when the news was discovered. Vivica instructs Kenya to “Bounce!” but I so wish she would have twirled out of the boardroom chanting “I’m Gone With The Wind Fabulous!” And yes, I think Phonegate was another Kenyanigan! Krayonce strikes again!
I don’t know whether or not 50 is sexy, but I do know that lying, conniving, and being a bitch certainly is NOT! At any age.
Geraldo knows how to treat the ladies…
The next challenge Leeza is forced to defect to Team Gearaldo, where she steps up as PM to write a jingle for Anheuser Busch’s Lime-a-Rita. On Team ‘Oh S#*! We’re Screwed Without Leeza!’, Brandi becomes PM. Given that it’s an alcohol challenge, Boozdi-Brandi should excel. Although I’m not sure she’s the expert on malt beverages that she is on wine…
Joan Rivers returns again to be a judge and I am eternally thankful she was spared the harridan antics of Kenya vs. Vivica in the previous challenge, although how priceless would it be to see Joan read aloud the menopause tweet and I am sure her commentary would be delicious!
Geraldo immediately hops on the “word processor” to start confabulating ideas, and then wants to do a traditional Latin-style song, but Leeza and Vivica imagine something with a younger, party vibe. Which is why they don mint-green floppy wool hats, often seen worn by the mothers on Dance Moms (or Cynthia Bailey) to perform the song for the Bud Light execs and Joan, Fashion Police. I hope Joan retracted points for poor stage wear. Geraldo was hatless – sadly.
Leeza is very good at working Geraldo and compromised by picking out a portion of his jingle “nice over ice” to mix with her catchier hook and beat. I feel bad for ALL musicians involved in this challenge. How annoying to be lectured on music by Geraldo or I-an, both of whom are self-professed experts on any and everything. Geraldo learned to write music from the 14th Earl of Macarena, whom was a 43rd cousin thrice removed from Mozart. Geraldo was interviewing him in the midst of the trans-continental bassoon war and it got deadly, let me tell you – the ways one can re-purpose an oboe into a shank – miraculous!
I-an learned to write jingles working under the esteemed Nat at The Peach Pit, then when he fabricated The Peach Pit Afterdark, many a Grammy-award winning musicians, including Ray, whom although he was Donna Martin’s abusive boyfriend, was a soulful and wonderful composer of 90’s post-grunge lyrical melodies. Until he fell (was pushed!) off the balcony, that is.
Brandi is useless at wrangling I-an, the slogan-spouting robot. I-an decides plagiarizing “La Cucaracha” and adding over-used rhymes like “señorita” is writing a jingle, something he declares he’s excellent at. Johnny is some sort of jingle-writing Beethoven who in his free-time composes sample treatise for all of his favorite products while hunched over his electric keyboard. A spat erupts. Brandi should have solved things by phoning David Foster!
While Johnny may not say many words, his jingle is vomiting them. Meanwhile I-an says far too many words – preaching them and spewing them intransigently until one snaps. As Brandi describes it, “I-an is pouting over not getting his way and he’s acting like a little bitch.” Touché
Brandi, when pushed, turns into a big bitch. And being a bitch for charity serves no one. I-an, when pushed, turns into I-anfant the Terrible. I-an starts insulting Brandi’s managerial skills because she asks him to listen to Johnny’s jingle, and these two mature captains of industry proceed to snipe at each other like Housewives! I-an’s spirit animal is so a Real Housewife!
I-an demands Brandi, “Lead! Follow! Or get out of the way!” She tells him to “Shut up. Stop being so f—king condescending!” I-an accuses Brandi of “contributing nothing” except “crossing things out with a pen. Delegate!” he snaps. Then Brandi does delegate. “I am. I would like you to sit there and shut the f—k up.” Delegation. Complete. I-an sulks, humming his far-superior La LimaRita-crotcha to himself.
Meanwhile Johnny is composing beer sonnets in the key of D, for drunk. Hell – I hope people made good use of the free Bud Light product!
In the boardroom, despite Leeza’s robotic dance moves and bad millinery choices, she dominates, as to be expected. In return Brandi is decimated. I-anfant the Terrible declares if thy would have used HIS jingle, they would have won. Donald asks I-an and Johnny to sing their tunes. Johnny stumbles and can’t remember the words. But I-an proudly parrots “La Cucaracha” which Donald immediately calls out as plagiarism.
I-an whines that he did not copy, it was a starting point and he was planning to alter it BUT Brandi wouldn’t let him. <pout>! I-anfant the Terrible is fired. Because he tried arguing with Donald. And nobody argues with The Donald! Just ask his hair dresser <Bah-dump-duhhhh>
Shockingly Donald fires Johnny for being boring. And because with Kate, Kenya, and I-an gone there’s no one left for Brandi to have issues with, and therefore she’s boring, he fires her as well. I hope they all got a case of Lime-A-Rita as a parting gift.
And I leave you with this inspiring catchphrase, included in Leeza’s award-winning jingle – and totally applicable to last night’s episode of Celebrity Apprentice,”It might sound crazy but it’s true!” Trump should ™ that.
TELL US – DID KENYA STEAL VIVICA’S PHONE? ARE YOU SURPRISED DONALD FIRED BOTH HOUSEWIVES IN ONE EPISODE?!
[Photos: NBC]
