Last night was our first introduction to the season that Bravo hopes will redeem Real Housewives of New Jersey's viewership. After season 5 suffered from sinking ratings because of stale drama and regurgitated storylines the network has infused new and recycled blood into the franchise and given us orange-er skin, more be-sprayed hair, and a let's be happier facade!
Everyone is treating Teresa Giudice with the nice-ies – maybe it's because they recognize that this may be her last season due to jail time and the throne will be open for a new RHONJ queen! Dina Manzo is back to be Teresa's lady in waiting, but she also has a whole new lease on life because she's single and ready-ish to mingle. Mingle with species other than cats – of both the hairless and ferocious Jersey tigers out for her blood varieties! I missed Dina – I like her dry candor. And her cats.
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Perhaps proving the rumor that Melissa Gorga has no real friends, she's dug up an artifact from her deep past, pre-Poison, in the form of Amber Marchese, who swore she wouldn't reveal Melissa's secrets this season. There's also the "fun bag twins", Nicole Napolitano and Teresa Aprea, friends of Amber's, who share half a brain, a penchant for faux boobies, and drama! All the drama will seemingly revolve around the newbies while Dina re-enacts her role as omnipotent narrator, Teresa tries to rehab her image (in vain) while dealing with serious issues, and Melissa shakes her newly Beyoncified hair around and pretends she's sweet and innocent. The newbies have obviously read the RHONJ script and are turning on each other venomously right from the get-go.
I sense that Amber will be more than willing to "bring it" this season and she is not going to protect any loyalties. Amber shades Melissa from the very first second, reminding us that she came from the deep trenches of Melissa's past and Melissa never even called her when she had cancer! She also called Melissa out for only being interested in an a MRS degree with a minor in gold digging. Meanwhile Amber went to Columbia. Still Amber, you're both famewhores in the end! Amber points out that she is business woman. And Melissa's a pop singer, Amber. So there! #JFaux
There's a lot of focus on the big issue, however: Teresa and the possibility of jail. Juicy is facing an extended staycation in the big house where the only cannoli will come from either his roommate (ahem…) or the vending machine on visiting day, still Teresa continues with her baffling denial. Her head leans sideways, she nods slowly and licks her lips, and she rambles about how people judging her and that "stinks" because other criminals aren't being judged. I just… can't… Anyway, Joew's headed for a vacation so he's either headed to Italy on a deportation visa or prison, but either way – not fun!
Well that's that – Jersey is back and it doesn't matter if we're ready for it. Also, I'm gonna have a hard time keeping the two Teresa's straight…
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
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