Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County we met newbie Lizzie Rovsek, who definitely proved she's no trophy wife! Other newbie Danielle Gregorio hosted an Ugly Sweater Christmas party, which college kids have been doing since the dawn of Greek civilization. Instead of cranberry Jello shots, Danielle is serving cranberry champagne punch with very expensive 'champs', something that really chaps Heather Dubrow's notion of propriety. She's going to have to send Danielle an instructional guide to Champs, complete with illustrations.
Tamra Barney is pretty bent out of shape about having to participate in an ugly sweater affair – this coming from the woman who hosted an 80's themed Bunko party. "I'm not really into ugly," Tamra complains. I guess Tamra only supports ugly when it comes to her own ugly personality!
Skipping the party are Shannon Beador and Vicki Gunvalson who are focusing on their love tanks instead.
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Shannon is finally getting some attention from David. After 13 years of thwarting her, he's finally planned a romantic get-away and is taking her on an overnight to some fancy hotel! Shannon is beside herself: she packs a low-cut red dress (David's pick), Spanx (nothing says hot hookup like a control-top panty!), a bottle of Stoli, and Dr. Moon's kama sutra kit. From the car she texts him furiously: 'It's happening! Your pinwheel of love jones was right – David is finally gonna touch me.' Shannon makes it seem like she hasn't had a man's touch since the Civil War… She tells us again and again about how she just wants David to pay more attention to her.
At the hotel she tells David again and again that she just wants him to pay more attention to her. No football, no kids, no work… just Shannon. Then they sit there awkwardly in complete silence.
Over dinner David tells Shannon she should get a boob job. She sulks in her cocktail. Realizing he's not gonna get any action, David course-corrects with a long monologue about how much Shannon means to him. Since apparently the last time they had sex the twins were conceived four-score and seven years ago, things go from awkward to bad rom-com movie awkward. Seriously these two hooking up was… like two strangers.
"I need to be drunker for this," Shannon says taking a huge gulp from the bottle! "No… don't do that!" says a shocked David. Then, like two strangers filming a bad Lifetime Movie, they sort of plop down on the bed together and close-mouth kiss. To say it politely: It was more awkward and weird than the time Tamra and Eddie got it on in the bathtub. Kids – don't try to make reality TV in to softcore – we can just turn on Skinnemax.
I imagine when it was all over Shannon pulled on a pair of organic cotton granny panties and went into the bathroom for a cocktail and a cry. I bet she called Dr. Moon to tell him the whole encounter made her feel depressed and he of course wanted to see her immediately at the rate of $500 per hour, so Shannon and David checked out first thing in the morning. I think Shannon has officially been diagnosed with an RHOC affliction known as Love Tank Empty!
Back to ugly sweater party, Eddie is dressed exactly like his 9th grade yearbook and Tamra went full-on elementary school teacher with her get-up. Heather and Terry are in a his-n-hers cardigan set that was in Heather's mothers's Boca closet from 1984. Of course, it's Chanel and features a fur collar. She even brought Danielle a good bottle of champagne bearing its own 'ugly sweater' which Heather had custom-made from Himilayan Alpacas bread specifically to supply the yarn to Hermes.
Lizzie decided to get crafty and glued big fake poinsettias near her boobs – Heather and Tamra can't stop staring at them. They're so big… and eye-catching! It turns out Tamra and Lizzie have a lot in common – Lizzie has taken classes at Tamra's gym (and Eddie remembered her poinsettias well) and they also live in the same neighborhood.
Lizzie seems nice, easy to talk to, and despite falling down in Danielle's doorway, wants to get started on the right foot with the ladies. She seems to be saying, "Don't mind the poinsettias – there's no threat here!" Also her hubby seems nice.
Of course, because this is RHOC, Tamra, Danielle, and Heather then get into a discussion about whose pre-teen daughter is most likely to be a stripper. Heather's wanted a pole in her room! Tamra's daughter Sophia wants her milkshake to bring all the boys to the yard. Danielle's daughter is desperate for skanky clothes. Seriously – this was happening. Heather was totally trying to slum it so she'd fit in instead of being labeled fancy pants. Don't give in to peer pressure, Heather!
But, alas, elementary-school hoochie mama competitions can only enthrall Heather for so long, before she gets all high-brow explaining how fascinating it is that children are an amalgamation of their parents. "You have gum?" Tamra asks, "Cause those shrimp puffs were really garlicky." Tamra doesn't know what "amalgam" means. Resisting the urge to whip out her Google app, Heather explains the concept to Tamra. Lizzie helpfully suggests Tamra use it everyday for a week and it will be committed to memory. Now Tamra hates Lizzie and is going to rip off a poinsettia next time she sees her at CUT Fitness.
Tamra complains that Heather is being snobby again. I think Tamra is just feeling salty that she's the stupid one on the totem pole. Here I'll put it in terms she can understand: Heather and Tamra's friendship on Real Housewives of Orange County forms an odd amalgamation.
After all that Tamra wants to go home, but they have to give out the ugliest award. Nope – there wasn't one for ugliest personality so Tarma didn't win anything! But Heather and Terry got an award for best couple. And some pregnant woman in a fringed sweater over her naked baby bump won best look. Someone was really, really trying to get the Bravo cameras' attention!
Lizzie does a photoshoot for her swimsuit line Sun Kitten Swim. She apparently wanted to be an actress, but realized it probably wouldn't pan out so she used her Fashion Merchandising degree to start a fashion company – one she actually runs and designs for. She seems sweet, smart, and happily married.
Tamra and Eddie go out to dinner to discuss the possibility of having a baby. Tamra really wants one to call her own, one no one can take away from her because she's positive this third marriage is really gonna stick forever. Unfortunately Eddie has no interest in having kids, and furthermore thinks they're too much work. I mean he has a job, you know. He says Tamra will have to do everything if they do go through with having a child. Heather needs to help Eddie understand the definition of 'Fatherhood'.
Finally, Vicki and Brooks. I saved the worst for last. I want to leave a bad taste in everyone's mouth. They go out for dinner and now that Brooks is 'sober' he's back to dumping affirmations down Vicki's throat that leave her love tank bursting. He tells her she's beautiful, he quotes Hallmark's 'Memories' Collection, he promises he's a changed man who only said those horrible things about smacking Vicki around cause he was drunk. He swears to prove Briana wrong. He tells Vicki she oozes sexiness.
Vicki gushes that Brooks is "thebomb.com" and "sexier than shit". I mean the license plate Brooks put on Vicki's Mercedes totally told her that. Did I mention Vicki is driving Brooks around? Right, sexier than shit… Perhaps Kandi Burruss needs to help a fellow Housewife out. I believe she wrote a little song called, "No Scubs" Perhaps Mama Joyce needs to pay a visit to the OC and get all up in Vicki's face about opportunists. This could work out well – Vicki is lonely and thrives on crazy, Kandi needs a break from Mama Joyce, and Brooks really is an opportunist.
Anyway, Vicki and Brooks decide to date again. Which is not an amalgamation anyone wants to see. Brooks sure re-cozied up to the money tank. Gett'em affirmations! Love Tank Full and Money Tank Empty!
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WHAT DO YOU THINK OF LIZZIE? LOVE TANK MOST LIKELY TO EMPTY FIRST: VICKI'S OR SHANNON'S
