I would like to personally thank whoever at TLC had the briliant idea to put June Shannon, Sugar Bear, and family into Pilgrim garb for the opening sequence of their Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Thanksgiving special. It was amazing.
We begin the special in the hospital, where Mama June and Sugar Bear are talking to a groggy Pumpkin. Unfortunately, the key catching incident from Halloween was worse than they originally thought, and Pumpkin had to have emergency surgery for a detached retina. Poor girl! Sugar Bear plays the doting father figure (seriously, how sweet a guy is he?), while June plays with her daughter's belly fat. A drugged up Pumpkin just slurs her disdain. Back at home, Pumpkin is on strict bed rest, so June gives her a metal bowl and spoon to bang if she needs assistance. They are like a family of fat McGyvers!
TRAIN! Alana is working on a project for school about the first Thanksgiving. She knows there were turkeys and that the Indians Native Americans ended up getting screwed over with a crappy meal and some casinos. She also knows that the Pilgrims came over on the Mayship the Flowership the Mayflower. According to Chubbs, this happened in 1942 (near the time of Pearl Harbor) when Christopher Columbus discovered the new world. Close, Chubbs. Very close. The first Thanksgiving meal was held at the Piedmont. Wait, no. Kribbet's Rot. Make that Plymouth Rock. I'm getting much dumber by watching these two minutes of television, but it is totally worth it. And TRAIN…twice!
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Alana and Chubbs are enlisting Uncle Poodle to help them make some fall scarecrows for the yard. Alana wants hers to look like June, so she's stolen some of her mother's clothes. The bra alone could serve as a hammock for two small children. Chubbs doesn't care about making scarecrows as much as she does making hay angels. Gross. The Junecrow does look incredibly life like (TRAIN!), and once Alana paints some nail polish on the sock housing the forklift foot, I can't tell which is June and which is her hay filled doppleganger.
June enlists Alana to help with a multi-meal, which is her term for throwing a ton of crap in a bowl and heating it up. This multi-meal seems to consist of pulled chicken, butter, and barbeque sauce…maybe some rice. I just threw up in my mouth. June is planning to host her first Thanksgiving after years of going to family or friends for the holiday. The girls have a laundry list of foods they want incorporated into the meal (here's a shocker…salad isn't on it), but June is no Martha Stewart, nor is she Betty Crocker.
Baby Kaitlyn is adorable, and Alana and Chubbs are making turkey hand crafts to go on the fridge. I already know where this is going! And I'm right…Kaitlyn's turkey has two heads–since she has two thumbs on one hand. June plans to take the family to a farm so that Alana can see a live turkey. This involves getting up at the ass crack of dawn. Do any of the beds have sheets on them? Sugar Bear, Alana, and June seem to be sleeping on a pile of pocketbooks and sleeping bags. I will say I'm appalled at the language this first grader is exposed to by her family!
The crew, minus Pumpkin, load into the family car and head to milk some cows. This has comedy gold written all over it. Alana compares the cow's teats to a milk squirt gun. Alana then squirts goat milk directly into her mouth, which the farm owner has never seen before. I feel like TLC has Alana acting up even more than usual for the cameras, which is a tad annoying. She sure is excited to see a real, live turkey though. Sidebar, how is Chickadee the smallest member of this family having just given birth? While Alana is disappointed she isn't allowed to have a pet turkey, June surprises her with a chicken all her own.
The chicken, Nugget/PETA's worst nightmare, is all over the place. Sugar Bear is looking forward to some eggs so he can make quiches. June could never eat Nugget's eggs…she gets too attached to her pets. If her cat or her daughters laid eggs, she wouldn't be able to eat them either. If her cat or her kids start laying eggs, we've got bigger problems on our hands. TRAIN! Pumpkin is having a hard time staying in the bed, and June hopes she'll be off of best rest soon.
June, Chubbs, Alana, and Chickadee head to the Piggly Wiggly in nearby Milledgeville to shop for Thanksgiving. June scores Pumpkin some off-brand corn, while weird Chubbs picks out fresh collards. She is well aware that it is super odd for her to like something green. Alana scores with twenty-four cans of cranberry sauce…the food of the gods. Back at home, June refuses to cook the collard greens, and she offers ten dollars to whoever can eat the most uncooked collards rubbed in raw hog jowls…which Chickadee is eating like it's a popcicle. Gag. Chubbs promptly throws up (something tells me she won't be asking for collard greens ever again), so Chickadee scores the cash. June reveals that there is a method to her madness…now she won't have to cook them.
Poor Nugget is manhandled by everyone in the household, but Alana really seems to love the bird. Pumpkin is finally off of bed rest although her eye doesn't look much better. June puts the girls to work in the kitchen for their upcoming feast as she lathers up the turket with an entire container of Country Crock and sneezes. Yum! TRAIN! Thanksgiving has finally arrived. The turkey is yellow thanks to all the butter. June is up early to "cook" while the family sleeps. Do they not have blankets? After covering about nineteen cans of cranberry sauce with sugar, June is excited that the dish will also serve as a deterrent for UTIs. The rest of the meal seems to come straight out of a can and into the microwave. The family is eating outside to avoid further mess in June's kitchen.
Sugar Bear seems to be overcome with embarrassment for his own family when Pumpkin farts during the blessing. The family scarfs down the feast, and then June wants to start a tradition where each person takes turns giving thanks…while wearing a turkey hat, of course. In between Poodle's speech and the humping dogs, a giant food fight ensues. Are you at all surprised? The family's math skills are amazing. The episode concludes with June and Alana breaking the wishing bone. I am thankful I wasn't at that meal.
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[Photo Credit: TLC]
