Last night on Real Housewives of Miami we were exposed to the parental lineage of the Housewives clan. No not just Mama Elsa, but we met Fembot Fakenstein's in-laws and Joanna Krupa's mama. And Adriana de Moura hosted an anniversary party for the parents of the man she's been stringing along for years and will probably never marry until Bravo agrees to shell-out for the wedding and a spinoff.
Things begin with Lea Black having a birthday party for her eleven-year-old son RJ. They've decided to host the party at the "new house" on Star Island which they are planning to gut renovate so it doesn't matter if the wild boys tear up the joint. And since this is how Housewives roll Lea decides to invite some of her fellow-Housewives, plus Elaine Lancaster, to cause some drama.
Fembot shows up first, very early, and nervy beans but ready to rip on Lea's not-yet-redone home. Then Alexia Echevarria, Elaine, and Lisa Pliner (who whaddya wanna bet is auditioning for next season's cast). Immediately talk turns to Marysol Patton and the drama at Lisa's party last week.
Lisa P is still Team Elaine and maintains that Marysol tried to convince her to hire someone else over Elaine, citing it would be free. Elaine/James is highly incensed and everyone bickers back and forth about Marysol's motives. Lisa perceived it as Marysol was attacking her. Alexia defended Marysol as being non-confrontational. It's so rare to see Housewives defend each other. #shocking
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Finally Lea's like enough of this – where's the cake? Can we save the Marysol-bashing for when she's actually hear to defend herself and cause some real drama. Gotta appreciate a lady who prefers her son's birthday to be center stage to Housewives problems.
Also annoyed with Marysol is bestie Ana Quincoces, who is still reeling that Marysol didn't defend her to Thomas Kreeper at last week's dinner party. Ana feels very disappointed by her friend's lack of loyalty, but luckily her teenaged daughters are there to dispense advice about how it will blow over and Ana should just relax about it. They seemed soooo interested in the conversation.
Moving on, Mrs. Fakenstein announces that her hubby Lenny is maybe, kinda, sorta a complete and utter mama's boy – and that mama don't like the Mrs. It turns out Mama Hochstein has a key to Lenny's manse, roams around like she owns the place, orders the maid (and the wife) around, and does nothing by snipe and complain. And her biggest lament – where are the Lenny Jr's in the form of graaaaaandchildrrrrrrren?! And why doesn't Lenny's wife cook?
Poor Fembot no likey, luckily her face is too frozen to express much displeasure. Mama Hochstein waltzes in and this is going to sound mean, but I bust out laughing as soon as she opened her mouth. She sounds EXACTLY like the Julia Child skits from SNL. Video below. So hilarious.
Marina (the mama) tells Daysy, the maid, that she loves her while snubbing Lisa. She looks her up and down and then proceeds onward into the house where she scrutinizes the kitchen. Papa Hochstein looks like Humpty-Dumpty is pretty much mute. Poor Lisa. Her MIL is a real piece of work – and Lisa is petrified of her. Yikes!
Lisa feels her MIL is completely insensitive about the grandchildren issue given all their difficulty conceiving. Lisa worries her inability to carry a child will result in her marriage failing so she seeks out acupuncture to help with issues. I really hope Lisa and Lenny can have a baby – this really breaks my heart for her. She seems like such a sweet, genuine woman underneath the lip implants and Botox.
So Marysol has finally decided she's going to confront the big James issue. And instead of doing it at a party and ruining someone's event, she's decided to have James come to her office for a one-to-one sit-down, boobs to falsies. James arrives in full Elaine regalia, including cotton candy wig and Marysol nervously preps the situation with her assistant. She feels Lea is behind most of the drama.
They sit down and it seems initially like things are going well. Marysol says her problems with James/Elaine stem from his different personas. She likes James, but Elaine on the other hand is a real bitch. Elaine is like, 'It's a character, dear. And that character is Mother Phucker!'
Marysol apologizes and is seeking peace, but Elaine is seeking admittance that Marysol is sabotaging her career. Marysol feels it's just a Lea-stemmed vendetta and they go back and forth about the Lisa Pliner event. Marysol maintains that Lisa told her she wanted to do the event cheaply and Marysol suggested a free emcee.
James wants the circle to have an end, James failed eight grade geometry. Marysol extends an olive branch on the surface and Elaine snaps it in two, rushes back to Lea as proof that he's still loyal and hands her the broken branch. Lea is like, 'What's this? Where's the rest of the bouquet?' before throwing it away and searching for her maid to make lunch. Ok, I made that last part up but this episode had me falling asleep. I was hoping for some Once Upon A Time evil queen drama.
So Karent Sierra, aka Dr. Teeth, is having some more Rodolfo issues. It would seem that Karent has decided to clean Rodolfo's teeth and while he's trapped in a dental chair with instruments (and his girlfriend's hair) in his face, she drops the news that she's freezing her eggs in preparation for the day when Rodolfo decides it's time to knock her up and make her a Mrs.
Rodolfo is practically gagging on the teeth mirror, rips off the bib, and flees faster than the speed of light; leaving Karent holding her biological clock ticking like a bomb. 'Wait,' she yells, desperately, 'Can I have some of your sperm?!' She needs to team up with Kenya Moore from RHOA to form a committee of the fried eggs Housewives who need to knock their men out and extract some swimmers. Rodolfo better watch it with this one! One night those piranha teeth could be deadly!
It would seem Karent is starting to catch onto the fact that Rodolfo is only in this for the TV exposure and otherwise she's a non-muther effing factor. To help get to the bottom of his motives Joanna, Fembot and Karent arrange a triple date with their menfolk. Fembot was desperate to escape her MIL anyway, so she put her to the task of making brisket for the masses, strapped on a cocktail dress and bailed.
Over dinner the girls camp out in the bathroom for a producer assigned allotment, while the men halfheartedly drill Rodolfo about his intentions with Karent. Rodolfo fills them in on how awesome it is to makeout with other girls on soap sets and that Karent is the jealous type.
Rodolfo also admits he and Karent broke up, he got engaged to someone else, and when he learned she landed a TV gig he came crawling back promising her the world. Basically he says he's with her when it's convenient but has no longer-term plans. That's what I heard anyway!
In other parental interactions, Frederic's parents are celebrating their 50th anniversary in Miami and Adriana is hosting a party despite the fact that she doesn't want to marry their son, like ever, especially after he whipped out that 1920's yacht. Frederic's parents are awesome. They fell in love at first site. His dad made movies with Jacques Cousteau, his mom was a model and friend of Dior. I'd marry Frederic for the awesome in-laws with the awesome stories. Adriana and Lisa need to do an in-law swap for a day! Adriana would be hauling Frederic down the aisle so fast his head would spin!
And speaking of future in-laws, Joanna's mom is visiting to check in on all Marta's messes. Joanna and Romain barge into Marta's room and jump into bed with them. It reminded me of that children's song 10 little monkeys… 3 little Krupas jumping on a bed, one fell off and bumped her head… It was really cute.
Joanna and her mom make french toast and talk about Joanna's drinking and her relationship with Romain. Joanna's mom confirms what we've all seen (RE: Boobs, brooms, and bitchslap party) that she's "evil" when she drinks. Joanna's issues with commitment and relationships stem back to her own parents and her relationship with Romain mirrors that of her parent's combative one.
Her dad was pretty much invisible, so Joanna took responsibility for her mom and sister at a young age. Joanna expects Romain to be perfect in everyway to make up for her father's failures. Joanna's mom feels really bad for how things turned out and wants Joanna to trust Romain.
Joanna wonders why Romain isn't setting a wedding date, already…. maybe cause she's nuts!
Fembot is trying to impress her mother-in-law and prove that she's capable of some domestic duties besides styling her hair, so she's hosting a Seder. Mama Hochstein hustles her into the kitchen to force her to make matzo ball soup while telling Fembot her tastes in flowers suck and making Daysy go get new ones. Then she lectures Lisa on being messy and says she would be perfect if she took all her MIL's advice. Oh my…
Fembot invited all the moms in town, including Marysol and Elsa, and Karent and her mom to the seder lunch. Lea is also coming although sans mom.
While the daughters are toasting to freedom in the kitchen and emotionally scarfing snacks, Mama Hochstein corners all the moms in the hallway on an uncomfortable round bench and starts lecturing them on politics and how much Obama sucks. How nice.
Mama Elsa oddly calls Obama an "animal," while the other moms try to escape and change the subject, Mama Elsa laments the non-stop drama. "Everybody has the same problems," Mama Elsa quips, "that's why the whole world is falling apart."
Over lunch, Lisa makes a sweet toast to America and to all the opportunities this country has given immigrants.
Over at Ana's house she's still bickering/flirting/pretending she's not in love with her ex. He still has a key and she still does his laundry. She wants to meet his girlfriend "for the girls' sake" and Robert isn't interested because he thinks Ana will crucify his new, young lady and rip him apart. These two are a mess and this storyline is like a corny rom-com. They should just call-off the divorce and do a vow renewal already. Next season, right?
Adriana's anniversary party arrives and she's hosting a dinner outside. The table is beautiful. She's invited all her close friends, including Thomas Kreeper. Who would invite him to an elegant dinner party? He probably brought a portable stripper pole. Marysol was not invited however, because Lea was instead.
It was a beautiful party and Adriana made a lovely toast to Frederic's parents.
After dinner, Adriana decides it's time for her to be the center of attention again. Screw this anniversary crap, even if 50 years does impress her, so she whips out her showgirl costume and a marching band and starts prancing around the party in a full-on feathered Ms. Universe ensemble.
As everyone conga lines into the darkness, Lea muses that Adriana will never find a man who loves her and puts up with her like Frederic so she just better tie the knot with him before he gets tired of her antics and moves on! After all she won't look like that forever. I do think Frederic is adorable and Adriana shouldn't let him get away.
Next week, the girls go on vacation and Rodolfo's extracurricular activities are exposed!
[Photo Credit: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE? WILL LISA'S MOTHER-IN-LAW EVER APPROVE? IS LEA BEHIND MARYSOL'S ISSUES WITH ELAINE?
